


Adrenaline

by ChristineBH



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Blood and Injury, Chaptered, Depression, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Galra Keith (Voltron), Gen, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Original Character(s), Orphan Keith (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy, Transformation, Violence, alien ocs - Freeform, depictions of injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 12:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 71,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10101758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristineBH/pseuds/ChristineBH
Summary: Another arm, the human one, tried to grip Keith but he was a split second faster and jumped out of Shiro’s reach before turning towards him again.What was wrong with Shiro? Was this some kind of PTSD flashback? Shiro had never attacked them before, only stared at the air in horror and been paralyzed in fear.Something was seriously wrong.Voltron has returned from a successful battle against the Galra Empire. Not unharmed but nothing a trip to the medic bay wouldn't fix.Of all times, this is one of the worst ones to grow claws and get purple fingers. Especially when Shiro is still high on adrenaline and the rest of the team is elsewhere in the castle.





	1. Keith's Claws

**Author's Note:**

> It was meant as a oneshot but that isn't happening anymore, so now it will be a multichaptered angstfest.

Adrenaline filled all of them. It always did in battle. It was a curse and a blessing. It made it so hard to think sometimes but it made sure they did things they never thought they were capable of when they weren’t in battle. It also helped Hunk act without being too anxious and Lance to be more confident on the inside as well as the outside.

Adrenaline was good. The feeling of it leaving was not so much. They had taken down a Galra ship from the inside. The plan was to not be noticed but of course they did but, luckily, everyone was responding when Shiro ordered them to state their injuries when they flew away in their lions, so Keith knew that, even if they lied about their injuries, at least they were alive and coherent.

The last lion arrived in the hangar just seconds before the castle jumped through a wormhole and everyone exited their lions. Lance was holding a bloody hand to his waist and Pidge and Hunk hurried to his side to help him to the medical bay. Pidge and Hunk looked like they would need a bit of medical attention too but it looked like it was nothing urgent.

Shiro lingered in the hangar. Probably to see if Keith really was as okay as he had said. Keith wasn’t as fine but he was fine enough to go to the medical bay by himself. The vertigo was almost completely gone and he couldn’t see how Shiro would be any help if he had needed it as Shiro looked like he could barely stand upright. It hit Keith that Shiro had ordered the rest to state their injuries but he hadn’t stated his own.

Keith sighed. There was no way around it and he took off his helmet as he limped the last few steps out of his lion and towards Shiro. His ankle hurt but it was probably just a sprain and he barely felt it over the lingering adrenaline and pulsing pain in his head. He was probably concussed which was never good. Apparently, Altean technology was much better at big wounds and life-or-dead situations than a shaken up brain. Something about different brains or skulls or something. Keith hadn’t really been able to listen too carefully through his first space concussion and envy over being the only one with one the one time Coran lectured the team about it.

Shiro were looking at the wound on his side when Keith walked over to him but quickly looked up. His usual smile disappeared before it had fully formed. Keith looked at Shiro with raised eyebrows and slightly widened eyes, asking nonverbally what was wrong. Shiro didn’t answer and instead hardened his eyes.

Keith was so focused on Shiro’s face that he didn’t notice the lit up arm before Shiro took at a step towards him. This was Shiro’s warface, Keith would never be able to forget it after having seen it so many times. He turned 180 degrees to see whatever Shiro was ready to attack before he instinctually jumped to the left when he felt a burning heat move towards him.

Keith dropped the helmet in his hand and looked shocked at the arm that had almost hit him. _Shiro_ ’s arm that had almost hit him.

“What the hell,” he said disbelievingly. The adrenaline increased and clouded his mind and made it hard to find a meaning in all this.

Another arm, the human one, tried to grip Keith but he was a split second faster and jumped out of Shiro’s reach before turning towards him again.

What was wrong with Shiro? Was this some kind of PTSD flashback? Shiro had never attacked them before, only stared at the air in horror and been paralyzed in fear.

Something was seriously wrong.

Shiro threw himself at Keith and it was only because of dumb luck that Keith could avoid Shiro once more.

“Shiro, look at me! It’s Keith.”

“Keith?” Shiro looked at him. He looked almost like himself again and Keith’s shoulders sagged a bit before Shiro’s eyes hardened at the sight of Keith’s helmet on the ground. “Keith,” He repeated under his breath.

Shiro lifted his eyes to Keith’s. “Where is he!?”

Keith had never been afraid of Shiro. He had been afraid for him many times but never of him. However, he was not ashamed to say that the look and voice was enough to make Keith feel like his heart had just stopped and his lungs refused to breath properly.

Keith took a step back as Shiro took one forward. Keith lifted his hands to stop Shiro? Show he was unarmed? Keith didn’t even know but it only enraged Shiro and Keith was about to bolt as fast as he could when his eyes landed on his hands. His hands that had broken the gloves of his paladin suit and showed claws and the tip of purple fingers.

What the-

And then Shiro succeeded in hitting Keith. It was the human arm. Thank god. Not only was the Galra arm turned on and would burn Keith’s face off, the weight behind the hit alone would probably be enough to kill Keith.

Keith landed inelegantly on the floor. His concussed mind was making the space ship seem like it was a rowboat in the middle of the sea, the lights were a little too bright and he felt nauseous.

Shiro walked towards him with heavy steps and Keith crawled away as well as he could with his back facing the floor.

“Where is he?” Shiro repeated.

“Who?” Keith asked. He told himself the tears in his eyes was because of the blow. It was partly true.

“You’re wearing his armor…” Shiro realized. Keith could almost sigh in relief but Shiro was only getting tenser. Keith had his bayard on him. He could fight. He should be able to fight, but he couldn’t. Not against Shiro and especially not when he could see blood flowing from the cut on Shiro’s side. 

“Shiro, please.” Keith never begged. He couldn’t remember a single time he had been even close to begging but he was doing it shamelessly at that moment.

“Is he in the lion?”

Keith didn’t know how to explain himself. He was confused and scared and blood was running so loudly in his ears that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts so he simply shook his head.

Shiro’s eyes widened and he took one long step towards Keith and fell to his knees.

Yes, this was good. Shiro was recognizing him. Shiro was-

Shiro was placing his unlit but very strong and very capable of lighting up and burning anyone hand on Keith’s throat. Not enough to choke him to death. Just enough to give discomfort and take away Keith’s chance of escaping.

“He’s dead, isn’t he?”

Keith shook his head as well as he could but Shiro wasn’t listening.

His heart tried to escape through his chest and he was sure Shiro could feel it even if there was no nerves in the metal arm.

Shiro lifted Keith’s head an inch over the floor by his throat and slammed him down again. Keith’s head fell to the side and he looked at the lions.

Why wasn’t Red helping him?

Shiro laid more weight on his throat and Keith placed his hands on Shiro’s forearm and tried to pull it away.

Why was his fingertips purple?

This was a nightmare. It had to be.

“I will make you pay.”

Oh no. Not Shiro. Everyone but Shiro.

Shiro lifted him by his throat again and Keith thought he was going to be slammed to the floor again. He almost wished for it. Maybe then, he would pass out and either wake up in a world where he wasn’t at least partly purple and Shiro wasn’t trying to kill him or he would die and not having to face the cruel reality anymore.

“How did you do it?”

Keith opened his mouth but even if he had enough air to, he still had no answer to give.

“Answer me!”

Shiro looked deranged with his wide bloodshot eyes that filled Keith’s entire vision.

“That horrible? I’m going to make you suffer just the same.”

Please no. Some of the tears that had blurred Keith’s vision for a while overflowed and fell down his face. No, no, no.

Shiro slammed Keith’s head down. Keith’s vision whitened and then blackened but he couldn’t have been gone for too long because he came back to a blurry version of Shiro removing himself from him.

Keith could normally have run away but his head was spinning too badly and he could feel barely feel his arms and legs. Everything and nothing hurt all at once.

He still tried though and got into a crawling position, this time with his stomach towards the floor, and moved a few feet towards the exit before a hand closed itself around his ankle and pulled him away from the door.

Keith was so high on pain, adrenaline and fear that he didn’t even register if it was the sprained ankle or not. The hand let go and Keith had a dumb hope that meant Shiro had given up or come to his senses.

A heavy foot landed on his back. It forced most of his air out of him but he regained it quickly again even though the foot stayed.

“It’s me, Shiro, it’s Keith.” Keith didn’t know the words left him before he heard them echo back at him, but it didn’t matter. They were addressed to Shiro. He could trust Shiro. Shiro would listen.

“You can’t fool me, Galra.” Shiro put more weight on his back.

Galra?

Keith looked at his claws and fingertips. Galra. But how?

“Tell me where you hid him.” Shiro had probably never sounded so angry before. He at least hadn’t with Keith in the room before.

“It’s me, I’m me,” Keith answered as clearly and confidently as he could but wasn’t very successful. Air was getting sparse and Keith was terrified.

“Stop lying!” Shiro commanded.

Keith could feel his ribs protesting and he let out a pained voice as Shiro leaned over him.

“Please,” Keith gasped.

The foot left his back. Keith had never appreciated air as much as he was at that moment. Sweet, sweet air. He would never have thought it would feel so good to move his chest when his ribs ached so much.

A hand took a firm hold of the backside of his chest armor. He would have to ask Allura why the armor had a place where potential enemies could hold them with relative ease if he survived this.

Shiro pulled him up and spun him around faster than Keith’s head could handle. He almost threw up on Shiro but managed to control himself.

The worst of the spinning stopped after Shiro had a firm hold of him again and had slammed him into the wall. Keith couldn’t feel his legs at all anymore and had to look down to confirm that Shiro was in fact lifting him. Adrenaline was a scary thing when it ran through someone as strong as Shiro and helped him lift Keith effortlessly.

“Stop playing with my head.”

“I-I’m not,” Keith said earnestly.

“Stop sounding like him!” Shiro shouted and Keith’s ears started to ring louder than the heartbeat that wouldn’t leave his ears.

Keith made a choking sound. He didn’t even know himself if it was because of the spit collecting in his mouth or because of the ball of misery in his throat.

Shiro shook Keith and accidentally hit Keith’s head on the wall and caused Keith to bite his tongue. The teeth sliced through the flesh with too much ease and left only a thin slice to connect the tip of his tongue to the rest. It took a moment for Keith to register it but it bled. It bled a lot.

Shiro threw him on the floor at the sight of the blood. Red blood. So, so red. It fell in a puddle where his hands landed. It colored his fingertips red but Keith was just happy to see that his claws were gone.

“Keith?” Shiro asked in a completely different voice than before. He fell to his knees next to Keith and seemed split between whether or not he should touch him. Shiro touched his helmet and said something. Keith couldn’t properly hear anything anymore.

Keith’s heart beat even faster and he thought he was having a heart attack. He made a sound between gargling and choking and looked up at Shiro’s shocked face. At least Keith would die looking at someone he loved. Shiro had been a greater brother than he had naively wished for as a small kid.

Keith also felt disappointment in a moment of clarity. Being the one of the Universe’s only hopes was a dangerous job, the least the job could do was killing him in a cool way. Death by tongue biting was probably one of the ways he least wanted to die. It was probably only beaten by choking on food goo or sitting on the toilet like some wannabe Elvis.

His vision became hazy. Dark clouds appeared and spread until there was only darkness. It was peaceful. Keith took a deep breath. He was so peaceful that he could ignore the drowning feeling of blood from his tongue finding its way to his lungs. His heart was still beating fast but it wasn’t loud in his ears anymore and his head stopped hurting. Keith breathed out and didn’t even care that the last thing he would ever hear was the wet sound of the blood in his lungs.

He didn’t inhale again.


	2. Shiro's Protection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm weak and have made Shiro's point of view. It's pretty much the same scene with only a bit more after Keith passes out, but I hope you like to read what goes through Shiro's mind as he does a fair try of killing Keith.  
> Also, I'm working on a chapter about what happens after this chapter so you can look forward to that if you like the existing chapters.  
> 

Shiro watched Pidge and Hunk lead Lance away. Lance was worryingly unsteady but he reminded himself that Hunk and Pidge had it covered. It was hard to do and he wanted to run after them when they walked out of his field of vision but he needed to stay and make sure Keith was as fine as he said he was.

Shiro turned his gaze away from his injured side and towards the direction of approaching steps. Keith’s steps. His lips was stretching into a smile until he saw who was walking towards him. It was a Galra. He would never mistake that shade of purple and Shiro saw red the moment he saw purple.

Keith was legally an adult now but Shiro got an image of the 14-year-old Keith that had looked at Shiro in such wonder that one time he tied Keith’s shoelaces. He had been so happy someone wanted to do it for him even if he could do it himself. The only difference was that now he saw the same innocent face only surrounded by blood. This creature. This monster had hurt Keith. It had to have. Keith would never let anyone near his lion if he wasn’t injured. Or dead.

Had Keith pleaded? No, Keith didn’t plead. Keith must have been strong and fought until he psychically couldn’t anymore.

If he couldn’t save Keith, he would avenge him.

His heart beat faster. It pumped the blood to his one arm and both legs. The Galra would regret laying a hand on the adult with the face of a sad child.

The Galra widened its eyes. Probably trying to look innocent to get his guards down. Shiro’s eyes hardened and he lit up his Galra arm. He was ready for the beast to run away but it stayed.

The Galra turned its face away from Shiro but he didn’t have a moment to waste in confusion and swung his arm. The Galra had good reflexes and jumped away from the arm.

It was a shame too. He had almost hit it with his metal arm. The arm was the only good, or at least not completely bad, thing Zarkon had given him. He took another swing but the Galra avoided that too.

Shiro threw himself at the Galra and almost fell to the ground when it stepped away. Anger filled him even more. This Galra was too lucky and too agile for his taste.

“Shiro, look at me! It’s Keith,” said the Galra.

“Keith?” Shiro looked at him. He felt himself calm a bit down at the name and the Galra relaxed its shoulders. Shiro let his eyes fall to the floor where the Galra had thrown something when Shiro started attacking it and he saw a helmet. A red one lying forlorn and alone like Shiro knew its owner was at that moment. “Keith,” He voiced the owner’s name under his breath.

Shiro lifted his eyes to the Galra. “Where is he!?” He demanded. The possibility of getting a satisfying answer wasn’t great and the possibility of getting one that wouldn’t haunt him was even less, but he had to try.

The Galra widened its eyes and its breath was stuck in its throat. It was afraid of him. Good. He hated having any living creature look at him like that but he could use that fear to get to Keith. His heart started pumping his blood around in a harsher rhythm.

He took a step forward and the Galra took one back. It lifted its hands, or was it paws, and showed Shiro the claws that was sticking out of the gloves. Shiro wasn’t impressed by its way of showing off its weapons. Adrenaline had never been a bigger blessing. He couldn’t feel his wounded side anymore and he could ignore the feeling of guilt for wanting to harm anything that got distracted by its own fingers and act instead. Not that the innocent look of the creature mattered. If it could hurt Keith, or any of his teammates, Shiro could hurt it.

He took a swing and finally hit it. Sadly, it was only with his human arm but it did its job and caused the Galra to end up on the floor. Just like the helmet. Just like Keith probably had.

Shiro took heavy steps towards the Galra. It felt like the echo of the battle, the bloodlust that Shiro normally hated himself for as soon as there was a tenth of what he felt at that moment, and the uncertainty about Keith adding weight to his steps. The Galra tried to crab crawl away from him but it wasn’t fast crawling on its back like that and Shiro soon stood in front of it again.

“Where is he?” Shiro repeated.

“Who?” The Galra asked. Its eyes looked glassy but Shiro had no sympathy for it. It knew whom he was asking about.

“You’re wearing his armor…” Shiro realized. Shiro felt his muscles tense up. This meant that this Galra, this monster, hadn’t just snuck into the red lion. It had immobilized Keith enough to take his armor. It had hurt his brother and stripped him. Taken away all his dignity and left him entirely vulnerable.

The Galra pleaded but Shiro couldn’t hear it anymore. He answered it but it was all a haze of shoving and shouting. He vaguely registered slammed the Galra’s head to the metal floor. The Galra was acting pathetic. It didn’t even try to fight back.

It was trying to manipulate him he knew it. Keith wouldn’t lose to anyone weak and the Galra had somehow stolen Keith’s voice. It seemed so like him despite being of a completely different race.

Shiro would make it pay. He would make it wish it had never hurt someone Shiro cared about and it would suffer until Shiro had answers or had avenged Keith.

He saw clearly again for a moment. He needed answers and this Galra was going to give them to him.

“How did you do it?”

The Galra opened its mouth. Shiro could see all the sharp teeth, but nothing came out its mouth. Shiro could feel his anger starting to cloud his mind again.

“Answer me!” He commanded but it kept quiet. He needed to know _now_. What if Keith was bleeding out on the floor? What if he was floating around in space waiting for someone to find him?

 “That horrible? I’m going to make you suffer just the same.”

Tears welled up in the Galra’s yellow eyes. He would have pitied it if he had been it in any other situation, but he had no time for pitying a Galra. Especially the _murderer_ of _Keith_.

Shiro slammed its head down. The Galra’s eyes rolled back. At least Shiro thought it did. It was hard to see on something with entirely yellow eyes. He stood up and got ready to… He didn’t know. He wanted to find Keith _now_ but he also wanted to make sure the cause couldn’t escape.

He heard a sound, looked a few feet away from himself, and saw the Galra crawling away gracelessly and awkwardly like a human baby. Shiro didn’t know what was happening anymore. Everything was red and tight in his chest. One moment he was looking at the Galra and the next, he was pulling its ankle.

He let go when the Galra was lying flat on its stomach. It exhaled before Shiro’s foot landed on its back. It must have known what was coming.

“It’s me, Shiro, it’s Keith,” the Galra tried to convince him. How stupid did it think he was? It may have been the same size as Keith, and Shiro would have thought it looked scarily similar to Keith if all his blood and oxygen wasn’t in his arms and legs, but he would always know Keith when he saw him.

“You can’t fool me, Galra.” Shiro put more weight on its back.

The Galra looked at its fingers again. Was this its way of seeming harmless? It was a weird approach and wouldn’t even work on a far lesser man than Shiro.

“Tell me where you hid him.” Shiro had probably never been so angry before. The madness filled his whole body and he felt like he could explode at any moment. He felt like he would explode and color the whole hangar in red, but as long as it meant he took Keith’s murderer with him, he was happy.

“It’s me, I’m me,” The Galra sounded even less convincing than before and it wasn’t just scared anymore but terrified and winded.

“Stop lying!” Shiro commanded. He didn’t know if it was for his or the Galra’s own good. Both probably. The constant lies woke his anger so much he was starting to fear it would never diminish again.

The Galra let out a pained voice as Shiro leaned over it.

“Please,” it gasped.

It had no right to beg or ask Shiro for anything. It had no right to make Shiro want to both cry and destroy, as he had never wanted to before. It had taken one of the only pure things in his life away. Maybe forever. Shiro’s foot left its back. He could have already lost Keith and it was its fault.

His hand took a firm hold of the backside of the chest armor. It was convenient but Shiro didn’t have enough headspace to think of anything other than the Galra.

He pulled it up and spun it around as quickly as he could without a care for its wellbeing. It served it right. He took a firm hold of it and slammed it to the wall at his eyelevel. The Galra’s head rolled a bit after both being spun around and the possible hit it took from the wall. It took it a few seconds to focus on Shiro’s face and it looked ready to throw up.

“Stop playing with my head.” He hoped the Galra would listen this time. Not that he had high hopes since it hadn’t the other times he commanded anything of it.

“I-I’m not.”

“Stop sounding like him!” Shiro shouted _._ The red of his vision deepened and his fingers tightened so tightly around the red and white armor that he wouldn’t be surprised if he was actually giving himself bruises.

The Galra made a choking sound. Just like Keith sometimes did. It sounded just like Keith did when he ate too fast, drank too fast, it was just like Keith sounded the time Shiro had found him crying back when Shiro was still on his last year as a cadet at the Garrison.

Shiro shook the Galra. He didn’t mean to but he didn’t regret it immediately when it hit its head on the wall. Even as he heard a crack, his mind couldn’t connect that to his actions.

Blood starting coming out of the Galra’s mouth. Shiro instinctively threw it away as soon as the first drop of blood hit him.

The Galra fell limply like a doll. Shiro was confused for a second. The anger disappeared but he was seeing so much red. Then he looked at the broken figure. Blood poured out of its mouth and onto its hands. One side of its face was red and the other… The other was starting to pale into a deadly white. A human white, whiter than Keith’s normal skin tone, and the face that had looked so similar to Keith’s before looked exactly like his now.

Shiro swallowed loudly and audible as he took a step towards the Galra. To-to Keith.

“Keith?” Shiro asked in a feeble voice.

He fell to his knees next to the limp form and didn’t know if he should touch it. Oh, god this was Keith, wasn’t it?

What could he do? What could he do? There was no one to help. Even if Pidge and Hunk hadn’t taken their helmets off before helping Lance they defiantly had now and Lance was probably in a cryo-pod already.

Allura could hear them through her earrings when they talked into their helmets.

“Princess, I need help.”

“Shiro?” She asked surprised.

“We need a cryo pod for Keith he’s… He’s in a bad state.”

Shiro could hear her talking to Coran before she talked to him again.

“Shiro, he said he was fine when he flew in. What happened?”

Shiro looked at Keith’s broken and too still state. His eyes was unfocused but open. Good, he had better staying awake.

“I-I,” Shiro couldn’t say it. It wasn’t because he was afraid the others would hate him, he already hated himself too much for that to matter, but the words couldn’t leave his lips.

“I’ll take him to the medical bay now,” he settled by saying.

Shiro looked at Keith. He didn’t want to touch him. To hurt him. However, he needed to do it if he wanted Keith to have a fighting chance of coming out of this alive. Shiro’s breathing was loud and he wanted to curl up at the sight of the blood on the wall and floor. He looked back at Keith and saw his eyes were closed.

“He’s unconscious,” he said as he tried to sound calm but knew he was failing.

Shiro felt like the world was on pause with how still Keith was lying. He felt a knife in his gut when he realized that the world was the same but Keith was completely still regardless.

“He’s not breathing! He’s not breathing!”

Coran and Allura was talking. He would only be able to hear her side of the conversation but he couldn’t even concentrate on that. His breath was so very loud in the room and the silence of Keith’s absent one could fill the whole castle.

 “-ro! Shiro! Shiro!” Allura yelled at him.

“Yes, Princess?” He panted.

“Did he hit his head?”

Shiro was almost sure she could see him. It was too specific.

“Yes,” he said under his breath.

“Don’t move him. It could damage his brain or spine if he fractured his skull.”

Of course, Shiro knew that. He had just forgotten and he would have killed Keith or brain damaged him if the princess hadn’t reminded him. That was if Keith wasn’t already too far gone to save. But it couldn’t be good for his brain to be without oxygen for too long either.

“Where are you? We’re coming down with equipment to move Keith safely.”

Shiro tried to find the words, but it was so hard. Everything was coming at him at once.

“Shiro?”

“The lions,” he answered. It wasn’t a real answer but his mind couldn’t comprehend anything besides the fact that the lions were looking at him. Had looked at him while he hurt a paladin. Hurt Red’s paladin.

“We’re on our way.”

Shiro would normally have answered that but Allura was seemed to understand why he didn’t.

Shiro looked at Keith. His instincts were going crazy. One part yelled at him to look away, go away, stay far away from this broken creature but another was yelling at him to stay close to, stay with his friend, his little brother who he hadn’t known for most of his life but still adored. His eyes wouldn’t move away from Keith even though the sight made him nauseous. 

Was Shiro going crazy? He had attacked _Keith_. He swore he saw a Galra. A tiny Galra even shorter than Shiro. However, it wasn’t a Galra anymore; it was Keith and he was turning purple again for a whole other reason. There was so much blood externally and internally and Keith wasn’t breathing. He wasn’t breathing because of Shiro.

He should give CRP while he waited for help. He still knew how but that had been on puppets. What if he injured Keith more? Was Keith’s heart even beating? Shiro’s hands wouldn’t or couldn’t move to check. Shiro needed to act. Keith’s heart wouldn’t beat for long if Keith wouldn’t start breathing, but Shiro felt like his arms were paralyzed. His heart beat so fast it hurt his chest and his swallow and fast breaths seemed to try to compensate for Keith’s missing one.

“Keith?” he asked in vain.

“Answer me, buddy.” He looked at Keith’s unmoving face and lowered his voice into a whisper, “I don’t know what to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you doing this, Christine?" you may ask me  
> Well, have you heard about the song 'When You're Evil' by Voltaire? That's basically my biography.


	3. Shiro's Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith get put in a cryo pod, Shiro confesses how Keith got injured, and everyone get informed about Keith's condition.

Allura and Coran came like two trains through the door. Coran let himself fall to Keith’s side and hurriedly but carefully put some kind of neckbrace on him before he pulled him onto stretcher that with a push of a button grew legs with wheels. Shiro looked after Coran as he rushed out of the door.

The relief made him feel lighter than he had in a long time but also paralyzed his legs. Shiro looked over at Allura. She was unusually quiet, but he got his answer to why as he looked at her.

Her eyes switched between the puddle of blood on the floor and the wall, where a bit of Keith’s blood was smeared. Wait, blood on the wall? Shiro looked at the wall and there was indeed blood. Granted, it was far less than on the floor but he was perplexed as to how it got there. His mind reminded him of the events in hurried and unclear pictures until it focused on Keith’s head hitting the wall and cracking.

No, he didn’t do that. Did he? He looked over at Allura in the naïve hope that she would know what he was thinking and could reassure him. Her eyes left the wall and moved over to him. There wasn’t any comfort or understanding. Instead, there was bewilderment and fear.

Allura was afraid of him. He couldn’t blame her, he was afraid of himself too, but it still weighted him down. She took rushed steps away from him without breaking eye contact after a few seconds of staring.

Allura made sure she kept an eye on him as they both moved down the hall. Shiro suspected she would have felt more comfortable if he was walking in front of her, but she didn’t make a move to change the order they were walking in so he ignored it and made sure he ran just fast enough to keep the 5 meter distance Allura had made sure stayed between them when they started running.

The medic bay was frantic even though there had only been Lance and Coran in the room before Shiro and Allura arrived. Lance was still in a cryo pod so he didn’t make any trouble but Coran was frantically trying to find out why Keith was bleeding so much out of his mouth.

He felt around in Keith’s mouth and Shiro had a trivial thought of the possibility that Coran’s fingers wasn’t the cleanest or nicest thing to get stuffed into one’s mouth. Shiro moved towards them. Fear or not, he would help if he could. Allura looked skittishly at Shiro as he moved past her but made no move to move farther away from him.

“Shiro, good, hold his mouth open. I need to stop the bleeding.”

Shiro did as he was told, not even thinking about what could bleed so much in Keith’s mouth. He watched Coran find a spray and swallowed. He got oddly away of his tongue moving as he did so and realized where Keith was bleeding from.

The realization was for naught as Coran took Keith’s tongue out of his mouth to remove the blood and spray it. It was a horrible sight. The tongue was almost entirely sliced in two and Shiro admired Coran just a little bit more for being able to move the fragile muscle so fast but also delicately enough to not pull it in two. It looked like a mild breeze could have separated it.

It only took a few seconds for the liquid to stop the bleeding but it was too long for Shiro. Keith already looked entirely drained of blood and left Shiro feeling as if he was holding a corpse.

“Good, Shiro, can I ask you to help me with putting him into a cryo suit?”

Shiro nodded and looked back at Allura. Keith wasn’t the most insecure guy Shiro knew but he was still a teenager and probably wanted the amount of people seeing him naked without his consent to be as limited as possible. Who was Shiro kidding? He too had wanted that before having that taken away from him by the Galra Empire.

Allura looked at Shiro for a moment. She was suspicious and calculating but seemed to like what she found, or at least she was able to tolerate it enough to leave Shiro alone with Coran and Keith.

Changing Keith was awkward because of his limp limbs but it had to be done as quickly as possible because Keith had surpassed the stage of being red in his face because of his lack of breathing and his starting to look purple. Not Galra purple, Keith had never been Galra purple, Shiro reminded himself but he wasn’t too sure. He knew what he had seen in the hangar but he just wasn’t sure if it was the truth or if the shade of purple had just been in his head.

To make matters worse, Lance was released by his cryo pod as they put the suit on Keith. He was disoriented and unsteady on his feet but seemed to wake up when he saw Keith with half the white suit on and blood on the floor and around Keith’s mouth. Shiro didn’t know how Keith had even had enough blood for that, but he didn’t have time to find an answer.

“Keith?” Lance asked anxiously.

Lance staggered towards Keith and seemed like he was about to pass out. Shiro wished he had at least four arms. He often wished that but he really needed it now to both make sure Lance didn’t fall to the floor and to hold Keith up so Coran could pull the suit up, but he didn’t have more than his one pair of arms and therefore can to prioritize and hope Lance could stop himself from fainting.

Lance’s eyes moved over Keith’s still exposed chest and to his face, clearly looking for the cause of Keith’s condition. He put a hand on the table Keith was laying on and stopped swaying. He was honestly in the way a little bit but he was only in Shiro’s way and not Coran’s, who actually had to move his arms to put the suit on the limp Keith, so Shiro didn’t say anything.

The suit was finally on and Shiro looking forward to being able to breathe again. Coran pressed a couple of buttons and a pod sprang up from the floor and opened so Shiro could put Keith inside.

He wondered how he should be able to make an unconscious person stand up by himself, when he felt something taking a hold of Keith inside the pod. Magnets. It was reassuring that he didn’t have to find out how to make an unconscious person stand up.

He put Keith inside the pod and walked out of it with stretched hands, ready to catch Keith if he were to fall. He fortunately didn’t and the pod closed as soon as Shiro was out of its reach. Blue liquid filled the pod and made Keith look even more like a corpse than before.

Lance and Shiro looked at Keith in silence while Coran looked at the little screen next to the pod and wrote something with the buttons. Almost an entire minute passed before the sound of clicking stopped and Coran too looked at Keith in silence.

“Can someone tell me what the quiznak happened?” Lance asked Coran and for once actually used the word correctly. Keith would be proud.

Coran didn’t even look put out by Lance’s foul language as he answered, “I’m sorry, but I don’t know. Shiro contacted the princess from the hangar about Keith and we rushed to them as quickly as we could.”

Both Coran and Lance looked at Shiro expectantly and Shiro didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell them he attacked Keith, and probably for no good reason, but he had to. If he could attack Keith, he could attack the others too.

“I’m not sure. I would rather explain everything with everyone in the room.”

He would rather not have to tell them at all but it had to be done and as scary as it was to tell everyone at once it was better to only have to find the words once.

Coran and Lance just looked at Shiro but he knew they understood.

Lance looked back at Keith’s pale face. “Will we have to wait until Keith wakes up?”

Shiro didn’t know what to answer and was saved from it by Coran. However, he would rather have to tell the others how appalling he was a hundred times over than what Coran had to say.

“That won’t be advisable. He will be in there for a long time if all goes well.”

“If all goes well? Isn’t being in there bad?” Lance asked but didn’t seem like he really wanted an answer to his question. “If he’s not in there for a long time it would just mean he healed faster than expected.”

Coran looked at Lance and Shiro with pain in his eyes. Oh no.

“If he were to pass away he would be taken out too.”

Lance looked at Coran with big disbelieving eyes. “Pass away? As in die!?”

Shiro wanted to cry. He had hoped that them getting Keith into the cryo pod meant that he would get well again and Keith’s life could stay the same as before, maybe without Shiro in it if he was too dangerous, but as much the same as possible. The thought was there wouldn’t even be a life to be changed made Shiro feel like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest.

“But he won’t, right?” Lance asked in a feeble voice and Shiro was reminded how young Lance really was. How young all the paladins were. Himself included even though he felt old and worn.

Coran tried to console them. “There is a chance he will survive.”

It didn’t console Shiro. He knew that translated to ‘there’s a big chance he _won’t_ survive’ and Lance seemed to know that too. Lance’s breath sped up and got louder, his eyes started getting glassy, and his voice was unsteady as he spoke again, “I’ll go back to my room to change.”

Lance didn’t wait for an answer as he looked down and left the room. He shouldn’t be walking by himself so soon after coming out of a cryo pod, but neither Coran nor Shiro could find the strength to escort him.

Coran was about to leave the room when he looked at Shiro’s side. Shiro looked down too. It was bloody and probably in danger of becoming infected but he had honestly forgot about it until that moment.  Now that he again gave it any mind, it started to throb.

“Come, I’ll take a look at that.”

Shiro nodded and was forced to sit on the same table Keith had been laying on minutes before. Coran told Shiro he wanted to put him into a cryo pod. It was big and would take a long time to heal.

Shiro protested, but quickly let Coran lead him to a cryo pod. They needed all of them to be healthy and strong all the time in case of attack and needed him even more now that Keith couldn’t be on hand. The only protest he kept stubbornly was that he wouldn’t be in the pod next to Keith no matter how more convenient it was. Coran only halfheartedly tried to convince Shiro but let him chose the pod farthest away from Keith before long. It would have taken longer to convince Shiro than chose a specific pod anyway.

* * *

 

Shiro came out of the pod as disorientated as Lance had been and stumbled as he saw everyone stand a distance away so they could look at both pods but they all turned their heads towards him when they heard him exiting his pod.

“Welcome back, Shiro,” Allura said kindly.

“Thank you, Princess.”

He moved over to Keith’s pod as the others did the same. Hunk and Pidge sandwiched Lance who had bright red eyes and cheeks. Shiro looked at Pidge, Hunk, and Allura. They was concerned for Keith but not nearly as distraught as Lance so he could conclude they didn’t know the severity of Keith’s condition.

“How long was I out?” Shiro asked as he breathlessly came to Keith’s pod. How did Lance manage to move so fast when he had come out of his cryo pod?

“You were in there for over a varga but not more than two,” Allura answered him but his thoughts were too muddled to translate varga to Earth language.

“I didn’t catch that.”

“What she meant.” Pidge looked over at Allura. “In English, was that you were out for about one and a half hour.”

Oh, okay, an hour and a half wasn’t too bad.

Allura looked up at Keith before she sent a searching look at Shiro. She didn’t seem as hostile anymore and Shiro didn’t know if he was happy about that or not.

“We will meet in the lounge as soon as you have changed and discuss what happened in the hangar.”

Shiro just nodded. He needed a few minutes to collect his thoughts anyway so a change of clothes was as good an excuse for that as any.

“Is he going to be okay?” Pidge asked as she looked at Keith.

“We will talk about that as well.”

Shiro didn’t want to listen or think any more about what the others said and left the room. Coran followed a step behind Shiro until they reached the door to Shiro’s room.

“Thank you for escorting me, Coran.”

“Of course.” Then Coran was gone.

His clothes laid on his bed. He briefly wondered who put it there. Probably Coran.

* * *

 

Everyone, except Keith, was present when he arrived to the lounge. Pidge looked more frustrated than before and Hunk looked a bit teary eyed but otherwise everyone was as they had been when he had exited the cryo pod.

Shiro sat at the end far end of the couch. Not because there wasn’t room for him, the couch was big enough for everyone in the ship and Allura and Coran was standing in front of the half circle couch, but because he couldn’t stand being close to the other Paladins when he had to tell them how Keith was injured.

“Shiro, would you tell us what happened?” Allura questioned to be polite but everyone in the room knew it was an order.

“Of course, Princess.” Shiro held his gaze at his knees. “Does everyone know of Keith’s… condition?”

“A bit,” Hunk told him. “Keith had lost a lot of blood and Coran didn’t trust the Altean system to recreate blood so he asked Lance, Pidge and I if there was something we could do quickly.”

Shiro looked at Hunk. “Was there?”

Hunk looked a bit shy for some reason. “Yeah, well we don’t know Keith’s blood type so. even though it wasn’t optimal, we took some of mine since I’m O negative.”

“That’s great, Hunk. Good thinking.”

“Now that we have that settled; would you tell us what happened in the hangar?” Allura asked impatiently. “Were you attacked?”

It would be obvious if they were being attacked since the attacker would probably have attacked again or been found slain in the hangar but Shiro let it slide.

Shiro took a deep breath. He had no idea how he should word the circumstances leading up to attacking Keith without lying or seeming like a monster. Shiro let the breath out. Why did it matter if he sounded like a monster when he knew he was one?

“I was waiting for Keith to come out of his lion.” Shiro looked at the others who all kept steady and curious gazes on Shiro. He quickly looked at his lap again. He knew he should look at them as he admitted to his crime but he couldn’t get himself to do so. “But I saw someone purple come out of it.”

“A Galra?” Allura asked.

“Yes,” Shiro answered and didn’t know if he was lying or not. “That was what I thought too so I attacked.”

That sentence already took the life out of him but he forced himself to continue. He didn’t tell go into detail but he didn’t intentionally try to hide anything. It was almost a relief to let it out. Nevertheless, it was only almost because it made what he had done so much more real.

“There was so much blood and when I looked again it was…” Shiro put a hand to his mouth and choked back a sob.

“It was Keith?” Allura asked in disbelieve.

Shiro opened his mouth but there only came a sob out so he nodded instead.

Pidge made an unhappy sound. It was strange to hear someone sound so unimpressed and not scared about sitting so close to someone so dangerous.

“We need Keith to sort this out. When will he wake up?” Pidge asked.

“Hopefully as soon as possible,” Allura answered.

“Yeah, obviously as soon as possible. What else would it be unless…” Pidge widened her eyes. “No…”

“I’m sorry, Pidge.” Allura said in a poorer version of her professional tone.

“He can’t die!” Hunk exclaimed. Shiro could almost hear the tears welling up in Hunk’s eyes. “He has to get better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no clue how long this thing is going to be but there will be at least two more chapters, because the step after one shot is apparently 5+ chapters...  
> Also, I have written snippets of the next chapter and I am truely evil. Shiro and Keith will never catch a break with me behind the keyboard.


	4. Shiro's Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DNA tests from teenagers and Coran who knows very little about human biology and they try to find a way to fix Keith.

Shiro was asked repeatedly if he really saw Keith as a Galra.

Allura asked him once in private. She watched him carefully and insisted that she would make him regret it if he was just saying it to cover something else up. She normally didn’t talk so brutally but her expression made Shiro sure she would try and her unnatural superior strength made sure he knew she would succeed.

Pidge, Hunk and Lance asked him about it a few times. Both by themselves and in groups and with different levels of curiosity and hostility. On one hand, Shiro wished he could tell them more about how or why but on the other hand, he was afraid of even finding out himself.

Leader or not, the choice wasn’t his anymore. Allura asked Coran to check Shiro for abnormalities in his brain. When nothing was found, the other paladins were brought into the medic bay so Coran could compare their brains to Shiro’s. After that, Coran checked everyone’s blood to see if Shiro had any lingering poison or other abnormalities. Nothing was found but it was guesswork since humans and Alteans were different and Allura was still seemed unsure about what to do with Shiro. He was unsure too.

Days passed. Keith was still not waking up or improving, at least Shiro hadn’t been told anything, and it was decided they needed to check Keith to see if there was something that could explain him turning purple. Or more like something to prove he turned purple and Shiro wasn’t going crazy.

It was decided that Coran, Pidge, and Hunk would look further into Keith's DNA even though Coran knew next to nothing about human DNA and Pidge and Hunk knew only slightly more than the average teenager about their DNA and next to nothing about Altean tech.

They were all sitting in the lounge area. It was probably the same temperature as always but Shiro felt cold as he sat quietly and listened. He both felt like he should leave, like he had no right to even think about being there while they talked about Keith’s welfare, but he also felt like he should be leading the discussion. Both because he was the leader, or at least had been, but also because he cared about Keith at the very least as much as everyone else in the castle did.

The others didn’t seem to mind either way. They didn’t even acknowledge that Shiro was in the room but he couldn’t take it personally and did his best to follow that thought. He deserved everything they threw at him but they didn’t wait for Allura to talk either so it couldn’t have been personal this time.

"Can't we just get a hair or two from him?" Pidge asked. “That should be enough to test his DNA, right?”

Coran and Hunk nodded.

"You can but it wouldn't help anything," Lance exclaimed while he tried to seem nonchalant by looking at his stretched fingers.

"Lance, you know nothing about biology," Pidge replied sharply.

"Ouch," Lance said tetchily. "There's no DNA in hair, so unless you want to see what he ate months ago, it won't help you with anything. I think there’s some in the hair follicle but not even a lot."

"How do you know that?" she asked, only slightly doubtful in the light of Lance's confident and serious tone.

"I might have been the worst in the fighter pilot class of 15 but remember, Pidge; I was the best in the cargo class of 25, and none of them got into the Garrison for being stupid."

"Wow, sorry, Lance. I don't really think you're stupid, I'm just stressed out." She was quiet for a moment, thinking if she should continue. "And surprised you know so much biology."

"Well, not much, but you pick things up."

"Late night TV?" Hunk interjected

"You know it, Hunk. I still can't get over that crime series chooses to look that fact over!"

“Okay, so blood?” Pidge asked.

“I don’t think that would quite work since his was mixed with Hunk’s only days ago,” Coran reminded them.

“Right,” Pidge said the same time Lance asked, “Does anyone have any other ideas?”

“We could take some of his skin?” Hunk suggested but looked grey instead of his normally tan complexion.

“No, Hunk, we can’t just slice him up!” Lance scolded.

“No, I think he’s right,” Coran said but sounded like he liked the idea of taking any of Keith’s skin just as little as everyone else.

Everyone was quiet for a moment before Lance turned his eyes to Shiro’s face.

“What are your opinion?”

“My opinion?” Shiro repeated questioning.

“You’re the leader, aren’t you?” Lance asked rhetorically, but Shiro still asked himself if he still was the leader. Lance continued looking at Shiro with dead eyes. “So, can we do this, _leader_?”

Shiro needed to say ‘yes’ and get it over with but he found himself answering something else. “I don’t think we should do it. It’s dangerous to take anyone out of the cryo pods while they’re being healed and Keith’s still in a bad state, so no matter what he is, we can check it when he’s out of the pod.” He didn’t know it before he said it, but that was exactly how he felt.

Pidge, Hunk and Lance seemed genuinely surprised Shiro came with a thought-out answer.

“That may be true, Shiro, but he’s still not improving and if he is anything else than human, maybe it would help.”

Shiro wasn’t completely sure how much the cryo pods did by themselves and how much Coran had to control them but it made sense that it would be harder to heal if they didn’t know what they were healing.

“Then, yes,” Shiro looked down at his lap. “Do it.”

* * *

 

“He has 49 chromosomes, after what Hunk and I could find,” Pidge declared to the room the next morning when Lance joined the rest of the castle in the medic bay. She, Hunk and Coran had pulled an all-nighter. Shiro had done the same but only because he couldn’t sleep knowing that Keith was being taken out of the thing keeping him alive and Shiro had looked at them from behind the door to the medic bay from the moment they took Keith out of the pod until it was about half an hour before the time Shiro normally woke up. Shiro didn’t want to leave at all but had to flee so Coran wouldn’t see him when he left presumably to sleep.

“Well, that’s good, right?” Lance asked.

“No, it’s not,” Pidge said in an irritated voice. “For one, he should have an even number, and two, humans only have 46.”

“What does that mean?” Lance asked. He seemed afraid to know the answer but Pidge ignored his tone and turned to Shiro.

“It means that Shiro may have been right when he said Keith turned purple,” she said dourly with hard but sadden eyes seeming to look into Shiro’s soul. She looked away from Shiro and at the unmoving Keith. “Of course we can’t be sure what exactly he is from that. Alteans clearly call chromosomes something else and both Hunk and I had no idea how to explain it enough for Allura and Coran to understand what we’re asking about.”

Hunk piped up, “And that would only help if they even know how many chromosomes other species have. Lance didn’t even know how many humans have.”

“Yeah, Lance, what’s up with that? How can you know about hair follicles but not this? Didn’t you ever have actual biology classes?” Pidge asked.

“I was a little busy learning how to fly,” Lance said irritably. Shiro didn’t like how they were fighting in front of Keith. He looked so vulnerable but peaceful that Shiro was afraid to so much as tramp too hard near him.

“Lance, Pidge and I didn’t exactly have advanced biology either,” Hunk reasoned.

Lance was silent for a moment. “Fair point.”

Shiro looked at Keith’s unmoving form. He didn’t want to break the silence and he wanted even less to put the focus back on himself but he had to know.

“So I wasn’t going crazy? He is a Galra?”

Pidge looked at him. She had no sympathy for him and he didn’t blame her. He wondered if any of them would ever trust him again or if he would have to step down as the Black Paladin.

“Maybe, but even if he has Galra blood, it seems unlikely that he would randomly shapeshift when neither humans nor Galras can.”

Shiro just nodded. A maybe to being insane was better than a yes and he had to hold just a bit of hope that he hadn’t attacked Keith for no reason. Even if that hope awoke just as much guilt for hoping that Keith would be related to what they were fighting.

* * *

 

The maybe to being able to help Keith that Coran had given him had turned into a big no. Coran had been in the research too but couldn’t understand what Hunk and Pidge meant by chromosomes, even though they did commit to try to explain it for at least half an hour before giving up. Coran had found things too and had taken more samples from all the other paladins than Shiro had ever had taken from him in his whole life. He was even a bit amazed none of them had any symptoms of blood loss after days of Coran constantly taking tiny amounts from them. He took hair samples too but that was only one time, as he true to Lance’s words couldn’t find anything. He couldn’t even find anything of any use when he took hair follicles from the paladins.

Allura had been afraid of Coran hurting the paladins when he mentioned taking some of their skin but she had no reason to and realized that too when she saw that Coran only took the upper layer of skin. Or maybe several layers. Shiro had heard humans had a lot even though it felt like he only had one layer of it.  

The area was tender and reddish pink, but only that and they could all fight if the Galra Empire attacked so Allura was happy and told Coran he could take all the skin he needed to. Apparently, neither Shiro as the leader of the paladins nor the paladins as the owners of their own body had any say. Coran reassured the paladins that he didn’t think he would need it, and Shiro decided to trust that after several days of only blood tests.

Coran was reluctant to admit it at first, but after his own tests also concluded that Keith was something else than human and that could be Galra just like Pidge and Hunk had concluded. The castle had saved information about Zarkon from his paladin days and Coran used all the information the castle could give him to compare. Shiro didn’t like how Keith was being compared to the most evil creature Shiro had ever met but it was their only source of information. Even Sendak would have been preferable to compare Keith to, but they couldn’t as Sendak had never been healed by them. Simply stored and used to try to extract memories.

Shiro didn’t think anyone was there when Coran told Allura about Keith being part Galra, but he knew when she had been told because that was when her spare visits to Keith turned into none and she started looking mildly disgusted most of the time when Keith was mentioned. Shiro had to hide his own face of disgust for her when he saw her make such a face.

How could she hold anything negative to Keith when he had done nothing wrong? He was still Keith with all the good and bad as before and Shiro was sure he would only be able to show any disgust or otherwise negative feelings if it had been someone utterly vile in a coma. Someone like Zarkon but everything less evil wouldn’t awake nearly as much hostility in Shiro as Keith apparently did in Allura.

At least Coran seemed the same as before even if that entailed that he mostly avoided Shiro just like the rest of the castle did and mostly only interacted with Shiro the few times he told everyone about Keith’s condition or when taking blood samples in the hopes of finding something different in Keith. Or maybe he hoped to find something else than Galra in Keith.  

Sadly, nothing did anything except teach Coran about different blood types. Useful information and should have been brought up before but not good enough at that moment. Coran still did his best, Shiro knew this, but it wasn’t good enough.

It didn’t matter if Shiro avoided the medic bay out of guilt or stayed in front of Keith’s cryo pod barely blinking, Keith always looked the same. The patch of redness from them taking his skin healed before Shiro saw him again but the paleness didn’t change after the first day and the machines said the same thing every time Shiro looked at it. He didn’t know exactly _what_ it said but he looked at it enough to draw every little detail in his sleep. He looked at it so much that he sometimes saw the symbols in his dreams and they didn’t ever change there either.

* * *

 

Allura called all the paladins to the lounge over the communication system on the 8t day of Keith being comatose.

Shiro was the first to arrive and did his best to not notice when the others did their best to overlook him as they arrived. Coran and Allura had their heads turned away from the couches and seemed to have a nonverbal conversation while they waited for the last paladin to arrive and sit down.

They turned around when the room had been completely quiet for half a minute and looked pained at the others.

“Keith won’t wake up,” Coran voiced everyone's worst fear.

“But he’s fine. He’s not getting worse, is he?” Hunk asked and his voiced cracked painfully.

“No, but he’s not getting better either.”

“We need to find a new Paladin,” Allura said with a strong diplomatic voice.

“But we can’t. _Keith_ is the red paladin. The lions won’t accept a new one before we- before we…” Lance took a deep breath to finish his sentence but didn’t have to as Allura picked up on what he was trying to say.

“Yes, Lance, the lions won’t accept another one before you’re dead.”

Shiro wondered whether it was him or the black lion that was a special case since Zarkon was still alive. Or maybe 10 000 years was a lion’s limit before finding a new paladin.

“But Keith isn’t dead,” Shiro stated with a strong voice. He had to have a strong voice. If not, if just for a second he let the weakness control him, he knew he would fall apart.

“He’s not really alive either. The pod is breathing and getting his heart to beat for him. We need to give him rest and find a new paladin.” Allura couldn’t even look at them as she told them they needed to take their friend out of the alien version of life support. “We need to form Voltron.”

Everyone was shocked. Sure, Allura wasn’t especially close to Keith, and didn’t exactly applaud the possibility that he was part Galra, but she was his friend too. Had been his friend at least. She couldn’t just ask them to destroy all chances of Keith waking up.

Pidge took a couple of steps forward and slapped Allura before anyone could react. It was an impressive feat because Coran took protecting the princess very seriously and could be quick when needed.

“You can’t kill our _friend._ We got taken away from our lives and set up to help you save the universe from one day to another when it could kill us at any moment and then you expect us to choose to kill one of us?” Pidge looked at her with disbelieve. “What is wrong with you?”

Allura composed herself. “Pidge, Keith knew he could leave at any time just like you can but he choose to stay and fight for the universe that we all live in. Not just me.”

“I know!” Pidge shouted. “He choose to stay and help, just like any of us, but shouldn’t the reward be to at least know that we wouldn’t just give up on him?”

“Keith won’t wake up, no matter what we do,” Allura scolded but it was clear to see that see too was sadden about what she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised that 3/4 chapters so far has people thinking Keith is dead. I mean, in first chapter he was actually dead but I made him less dead with the power of this-is-not-a-one-shot-anymore. Truely, a powerful tool.   
> I haven't written the next chapter yet but I have a vague plan about the rest of the story and I think it's the next chapter that there's action again! 
> 
> Other more unimportant news:  
> March 16th: Oh, my god. I finally found out how to make some of the summary tilted. I'm so proud of myself. It's not really important for the story besides the fact that i made the snippet from it in the summary tilted so there was a bigger difference between quote and 100% summary, but it's important to me.


	5. Shiro's Leadership

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance throws shade and Shiro gets just a tiny bit happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't think I'm trying to make Allura a massive bitch. She just thinks very logically where especially Lance thinks more emotionally. I oon't entirely agree with her though...

Shiro sat in the kitchen and eating food goo that evening. Or was it already night? Shiro had been avoiding the others at dinnertime again that day even though he knew that at least Allura wouldn’t be eating with the teenagers on the ship. He closed his eyes to better imagine that everything was fine as he ate the goo. It wasn’t tasty but the consistency was okay and he had gotten used to the taste enough to find some joy in it. Shiro opened his eyes when he heard Lance shouting. It wasn’t unusual for Lance to shout but the fact that he was shouting with real anguish was.

“You can’t mean that you think we should just kill Keith!” Lance shouted.

“Lance, I’m sorry, but maybe it is for the best,” a quiet voice replied. It took Shiro a couple of seconds to understand that it was _Coran_ Lance was shouting at and not Allura as he had expected.

“It’s _not_! I know you can find new paladins if we die, but would you really just kill us any of us off without a second thought? Pidge is right. If we aren’t more important to you than that what’s the point of even doing this!?”

“You are all important, Lance, and it would not be easy to replace any of you.” Coran sounded genuinely pained but Shiro agreed with Lance. If they all were that easily disposable, what was the point of even having a team?

“But easier than just letting Keith have a chance! He hasn’t even been in the pod for that long and you would already have shut it off if we hadn’t protested! If it’s so hard to replace us, why are you on the princess’s side!?”

“I’m not on any side.”

“Why not mine?” Lance asked in a fragile voice to different from his former, louder one. “Why won’t you support us in this? Support me?”

They were both quiet for a moment. “Don’t ask me to choose between you and the princess.”

“You would choose the princess no matter what?” Lance asked as if he didn’t know himself if he wanted the answer or not.

Coran’s silence answered him anyway.

“I’m going to see Keith,” Lance mumbled heartbroken and Shiro could hear Lance’s dejected steps disappear in the hall soon after. Shiro wished he could go comfort Lance but he had neither the words nor the right to do so.

He looked down at his half-finished bowl of green goo. He wasn’t hungry anymore and stood up to clean it before leaving for the training deck. Maybe this was the day he could finish a level without seeing Keith’s face.

* * *

 

Lance and Allura was glaring at each other from opposite ends of the control room when they all met the next morning. The icy silence made Shiro envy Lance for having such a warm jacket.

"I know it's what Keith wants," Lance broke the silence. He wasn't shouting but it sounded impossibly loud in the quiet room.

"You don't know that," Allura said dignified but with a sharp undertone.

"I think not dying is pretty high on his list despite how reckless he is!" Lance growled louder than before.

"You can't know how far he wants us to go for him." Allura had raised her voice too.

"And I never will if you kill him off!"

"What if this isn't what he wants. What if he wishes we would have given him peace long ago?" Allura tried to appeal Lance logically.

"Then he can jump into the void of space for all I care. At least it would be his choice!"

"You don't mean that." She looked at him as if he was an imbecile.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but at least I'm not threatening to kill someone defenseless in cold blood." Lance’s cheeks were flushed in anger and his eyes sharp enough to cut diamonds.

"It's for the best-," Allura started

"For you maybe!"

"-for him. It's to give him some dignity," she ended, not acknowledging Lance had said anything.

"It's murder!"

"Guys, what are you fighting about?" Hunk said hesitantly. Shiro suspected that he was worried the sharp voices would turn to him. Shiro knew that he was and he had a good seven maybe eight years on Hunk.

"Allura," Lance said and gestured to her with exaggerated big movements, "tried to turn Keith's pod off last night!"

"What!" Pidge and Hunk said as one while Shiro was speechless. Allura surely wouldn't do such a thing. She could be harsh but she wouldn't go behind their backs and do something so horrible especially while they were sleeping.

"I tried to give him peace. You only want to keep him there because you're too selfish to let him go!" She tried to defend herself but really just convinced Shiro that she would go to such an extreme behind the backs of people who were supposed to trust her.

"And you just want him gone so you can take someone else and use then as your pawns now that Keith is out of the game for too long in your liking."

"I would never think like that and I wouldn’t want to be kept as some sick, organic monument if I was him!" Her eyes were flaming.

“At least we know to turn you off then, but that doesn’t mean that’s what Keith wants! You’re really self-centered if you think everyone thinks like you!” Lance bit at her.

"At least I understand that this is bigger than just us. Without the red paladin there's no Voltron, and without Voltron we will all die," Allura reminded everyone.

The icy silence was back and seems to stretch forever before Lance once again broke the silence.

"On Earth there is a saying," he caught the princesses’ interest with how completely calm and collected he sounded. It sounded almost like he was just telling someone about the weather.

Lance took a deep breath, as he looked calculating at Allura. ”You _either die a hero, or_ live long enough _to_ _see yourself become the villain_ _."_ His eyes changed from looking close to pleasant to full of disgust so clear that it created a clump of ice in Shiro from just the sight of it alone. "I can see you've chosen to live long enough for that, but I would rather die than become as disgusting as you see everyone with Galra blood."

Lance wasn't good at comebacks. It didn't matter if Keith had said something to him first or he unprovoked, verbally attacked Keith, his comebacks were always weak.

However, Shiro now saw that it was just hiding someone capable of great maliciousness. Calculating and told just enough for someone to fill in the hurtful blanks themselves.

* * *

 

The ship split into three groups that day. Lance, Pidge, and Hunk were against even thinking about taking Keith out of the pod. Allura was pained about the situation but she prioritized saving the Universe and therefore thought they should stop keeping Keith artificially alive and find a new red paladin as soon as possible. Shiro was too busy switching between looking at Keith’s pod for hours and going as far away as possible from it to think about what he thought was best. The selfish part of him wanted to keep Keith alive and close and the logical part agreed with Allura. Well, almost agreed. He too wanted to see how good his combat skills was when he was reminded about Allura’s cold reasoning of what was best for the Universe, but he did agree with her when she told Lance that maybe Keith didn’t want to be kept alive for days on end.

Keith was logical too and didn’t want to be a burden. He would never be a burden but Shiro knew Keith better than Keith thought and knew when Keith would keep quiet about something so he wouldn’t cause any trouble for the others.

Keith did his best to keep his dignity and would not like it if he knew he had been defenseless and only taking without giving anything back, but that was what had happened.

Shiro thought of it the next time he saw Keith and decided his heart was right and by that Lance was too and they needed to give Keith a chance. If, ‘when’ his heart reminded him to think, Keith would wake up, he could tell them that if he was ever out for so long and seemed like such a hopeless case they should turn the pod off.

The only ones staying close to each other was Lance, Pidge and Hunk.  
Shiro couldn’t know for sure but he didn’t think Coran was downright avoided, but he couldn’t imagine Lance not telling Pidge and Hunk that Coran was supporting Allura and even if Lance should have kept quiet, it wasn’t like Coran was one to leave Allura when she was entirely alone in the castle.

Even Keith was avoided even if it was to a lesser extent than Shiro and Allura was, or he was almost sure it was so since Shiro doubted he was the only one pained by seeing his lifeless face and knowing that the only reason his chest was moving was because the machine made sure of it. However, there was always someone with him now. It didn’t matter if Shiro was looking at Keith for hours on end or staying as far away as possible, there was always someone in the medic bay. They haven’t told Shiro, but it didn’t take much to guess it was because they were afraid Allura would either herself or send Coran down to turn the pod off.  
Shiro didn’t know if they would ever become a team again if Keith didn’t wake up soon.

* * *

 

Allura summoned the paladins to the control room. It was the 11th day since he attacked Keith and the first time in days Shiro had seen everyone, except Keith, together in one room.

“We have detected a small Galra ship,” Allura informed them sounded professional but it was just a shaky disguise to hide how uncomfortable the hard stares she was receiving was making her.

“Can’t we wormhole away from it?” Pidge asked with a weird mix of politeness and venom.

“Yes, we can, but it’s a great opportunity to weaken and find information about the Galra Empire.”

“Sorry, Princess, but we can’t form Voltron at the moment,” Hunk said nicer than Pidge but there was still a dangerous strength behind his words.

“I know, Hunk, but you won’t need Voltron on his mission and you can manage with only 4 paladins for this,” she informed him with a light tone but her tightened mouth that showed Shiro just how stressed she was.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Pidge, Hunk and Lance looked calculating at Allura and to a lesser extent Coran and Shiro was busy imagining a reality where none of this had happened. Where Shiro’s only concern would be that Keith was too full of fight to keep down and he would practically jump at such an opportunity. It wasn’t a totally realistic depiction of how Keith would have acted just 11 days older than their last mission and far less injured than he was currently but it was Shiro’s safe haven as well as his hell.

“Wait, you want us out of the castle?” Hunk asked and nodded his head at every third word.

“Yes?” Allura asked with high, furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. “How else are you going to infiltrate the Galra ship?”

“You want us out while you and Coran,” he nodded his head towards said man “are in _here_ with _Keith_? Alone!” Hunk continued and Shiro suddenly understood why he was asking such a question.

“Hunk, I’m sorry about what happened but I’m not going to turn the cryo pods off while you’re on a mission. I’m hurt you would think that about me,” Allura looked wholeheartedly saddened and Shiro doubted the wet quality in her eyes were just for show, but he still felt the anger bubble in him. It was a fire centered deep in his abdomen but spreading all the way to his toes and fingers.

“You tried while we were _sleeping_ ,” Lance pointed out.

“I know, Paladins, and that was a mistake on my part.”

“You can apologize to Keith when he wakes up and see if you can be forgiven then,” Lance sneered before he stood a little straighter when a thought hit him. “No, I don’t care if he forgives you, I will never forgive you.”

Lance looked more venomous than Shiro had ever seen him, all the other paladins did, but Lance’s words were like laser shots fired into Shiro’s soul. Allura had done something horrible and maybe she didn’t deserve forgiveness but if she couldn’t be then Shiro couldn’t either. He knew he didn’t deserve anyone’s forgiveness and he would gladly lay his head on a chopping board if, _when_ , Keith woke up but a small part of him had hoped he could be forgiven in the others’ eyes when he couldn’t be in his own.

Allura looked at each of them. They even lingered on Shiro. Maybe it was some Altean power to feel his anger even though he was sure he was concealing it far better than she was concealing her vulnerability.

“I will ask him to forgive me-“ Allura hesitated for a moment before continuing, “when he takes up, but I need you out in your lions now. Pidge, bring your hacking equipment.”

“No can do,” Lance informed Allura.

“Excuse me?” Allura asked sharper and less fragile than before. Shiro could see that she clearly didn’t like to have her role as co-leader challenged and was tired of the paladins not doing what they had been told.

“You can’t expect us to leave you and Coran alone with Keith, knowing you had no trouble in trying to kill him before! He can’t even defend himself against you,” Hunk shouted.

Allura looked at Shiro for help but he pointedly looked away from her. He may have been the bigger villain on the ship but it didn’t make her crimes any less severe.

“Look, we don’t have the time. You can get mad at me when you get back,” Allura’s mouth was downturned, her eyebrows furrowed, and she looked one seconds away from forcefully putting them into their lions.

“Fine!” Lance said and turned to Pidge and Hunk.

They moved around until they were in a three-man circle and each threw their right balled fist in between them.

Shiro didn’t understand what was happening at first but quickly caught on. Rock-Paper-Scissors was a childish way of deciding things but Shiro didn’t find the will in him to protest. Besides, he would feel better too if one of them were with Keith.

“What are you doing?” Allura asked too flabbergasted to sound angry.

Pidge turned her head to look at Allura with blazing with fury. “What does it look like? We’re decided who’s staying and making sure no one turns off the damn pod.”

“We don’t have the time or resources for that kind of thing. I need all of you on that ship _now_.”

“No,” all three said simply.

 Allura turned her eyes to Shiro and gestured for him to come closer. Normally, when she wanted to talk privately, they would have to go out of the room or at least go a little away from the others. However, that wasn’t needed at that moment as Coran politely stepped away from Allura when he saw she wanted to talk to Shiro and Hunk, Lance and Pidge had stepped away from her as soon as they denied her command of leaving the castle immediately.

“You need to talk sense into them,” Allura demanded with a quiet but firm voice.

“No,” Shiro said and looked curiously at her. Shiro had been the last person they would have listened to for over 11 days. “They won’t listen to me.”

“They will,” she answered softer.

“No, Allura, they won’t.” Shiro sighed. “Me commanding it would be counterproductive.”

“You need to try. We don’t have much time before the Galra ship either sees us or we loses sight of them.”

Shiro looked back at the group of teenagers before turning back to Allura. “Fine, I will do my best.”

Allura nodded approvingly at him before he turned back to the other paladins and took a deep breath to calm himself.

“We all need to go on this ship and get information,” Shiro declared.

“And what will you do if we won’t listen to you? Will you attack us _too?_ ” Pidge asked with no sympathy for the flinch and hurt expression Shiro that quickly hid away.

Shiro took a deep breath. He deserved everything she threw at him and even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t help his cause to yell at a 14-year-old girl.

“Allura is needed to control the castle in case we need backup and Coran is needed to help her, so they won’t have time to go to the medic bay while we’re gone.”

Everyone was quiet and stared at him. He was resigned to the knowledge that he had been right and the team wouldn’t listen to him anymore when the teenagers looked at each other and walked down to their lions. It wasn’t a celebration worthy event and it was obvious Shiro still wasn’t anyone’s favorite person on the ship but he found that his mood lifted a little by the thought of them still following his commands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, something not entirely sad and there's a new chapter tomorrow. It's already written and everything so I just need to read it through before sharing it with the world! :D  
> But please, don't get discouraged from commenting just because there's more tomorrow. Yell at or with me all you want.


	6. Shiro’s Anarchy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voltron infiltrate a tiny, Galra ship

The hasty decided plan consisted of Pidge sneaking into the Galra ship to hack it and place a virus with Lance as her eyes in the back and protection when she would be too busy looking at her computer to notice any enemies at the door. Shiro and Hunk could act as both distractions and backup in case the other two would need it but they too would look around for information or ways to secretly disable the ship.

The castle of course were there as a backup plan as usual but it was far less comforting than before.

Pidge and Lance flew in the green lion as it was still the only lion with a cloaking ability, and Hunk and Shiro flew in the black lion because of Black’s high speed compared to the yellow lion.

Hunk was awkward and stiff from the moment he stepped into Shiro’s lion but he didn’t complain and Shiro knew he would do his job when they arrived at the Galra ship.

Lance and Pidge was just as quiet as Hunk and it made Shiro uneasy to not being able to see or know where they were, neither when in space nor in the ship but he would just have to trust them when they didn’t trust him.

The halls were dark. Shiro didn’t understand how the Galra could live with so much darkness and not perish as the few memories he had about his time with the Galra were darkened further by the gloomy colors.

Hunk and Shiro hid Black at well as possible but Shiro doubted anyone would be fooled if they were in the hangar for more than a minute. They left the hangar in the shadows and Shiro was ready to be detected at all times but no one came for them as they moved through the small ship. Some doors opened automatically when they walked past but everything was surprisingly empty.

Shiro was about to walk past one of the unopened doors when he was stopped by a firm grip on his arm. He looked from the hand up to Hunk’s face that was staring closely at the symbol next to the door.

“What is it, Hunk?” Shiro asked quietly, afraid that someone would hear him but also in need to know what had caught Hunk’s attention.

“I think, this is an infirmary,” Hunk whispered back.

Hunk understood Galra? Shiro stared back at the symbol but it looked like any other Galra symbol to him.

“I’m not completely sure,” Hunk elaborated. “Pidge is the one learning all the languages she can get her hands on but I think she said this was it.”

Shiro at first didn’t understand why Hunk wanted to talk about Galra script now of all times but he quickly caught on. Keith was part Galra, maybe even half. They wouldn’t know what the things in there were, if it was even an infirmary, but maybe there would be something they could use. Even if it wasn’t species specific, maybe it could help anyway as the Galra must have used their 10 000 more years than the Alteans for some medical breakthroughs.

“Pidge, Lance?” Shiro called into the communication system in his helmet. “Have you found anything?”

“No, not yet,” Pidge answered devoid of any emotions.

“Why? Are we evacuating?” Lance asked.

“No,” Hunk answered while he still looked at the symbol with calculating eyes. “We may have found a Galra infirmary.”

“But we may set off an alarm if we enter, so we need evacuate when that happens,” Shiro continued before Lance or Pidge could ask more questions.

“You need to stick to the plan,” Allura scolded them. “We can’t lose any paladins.” She hesitated for a moment before continuing with less fire, “We can’t lose any more paladins.”

“We’ve found the control room,” Pidge informed Hunk and Shiro all the while she ignored Allura.

“Keep us updated,” Shiro demanded and for just a moment, he could forget about everything and concentrate solely on the mission. It seemed like any other mission if he ignored that they weren’t listening to Allura. She started sounded frantic before quieting down but Shiro wasn’t about to surrender to her at that moment just because it would ease his stomach from the stone in it.

Shiro suddenly stiffened and Hunk opened his mouth but kept quiet when Shiro sent him a look. There were footsteps echoing in the hallway. They weren’t in a hurry so it couldn’t be because one of the two groups of paladins had been discovered but it was worrying all the same.

Shiro flattened himself to the wall and slowly moved to the corner with small, calculated steps closer to the source of the noise with Hunk just behind him.

Shiro lifted his hand in a fist and then spread his fingers out and slowly counted down from five and had to trust that Hunk not only understood what he meant but that Hunk would also listen.

The last finger fell and they both jumped out as they activated their weapons. This would have to be over quickly. It was a small group of bots. It was good because it made it far less hard to harm and they were easier to outsmart as they could only do what they were programed to do but also bad because the bots did exactly what they were programmed to with no regards or fear of death or harm. Not that the Galra was a cowardly race or easily incapacitated.

Hunk blasted the first bot before they even had a chance to register any intruders on their ship. Shiro would have winched at the loud noise on the quiet ship if he had any time or any room in his head for anything other than the bots and waiting for the green light to break into the room with the possible medicine for Keith.

Shiro’s arm glowed purple and he had to look away from it as it was destroying robots. It was just robots, Shiro reminded himself, just robots. Not Keith. They were not Keith. The purple was him, it was Shiro, not Keith.

They fell to the ground some decapitated and some with holes in their chests. Shiro breathed deeply. Keith had not been hurt like that. His head had still been on his shoulders, his chest had been almost intact, and Shiro had never been able to see through his back.

Hunk put a hand on Shiro’s shoulder. “You okay, man?” he asked and for the first time in 11 days, he sounded normal when talking to Shiro.

“We need to hurry up before someone sees the bots,” Shiro answered instead because what could he say? He hadn’t been fine for so long and wouldn’t be ever again. All the things wrong flew through his head demanding attention: The Galra Empire, Keith, blood from their enemies, Keith’s blood, the Galra forcefully taking him from Kerberos, forcefully taking Keith, Galra ships, Keith looking lifeless, his Galra arm, Keith fearing him. Keith had feared him.

Shiro choked on his breath but collected himself before Hunk had any time to ask him about it.

“Are you guys okay?” Lance asked after Hunk and Shiro had been quiet for a moment. He sounded fragile and nervous. Like a little kid stuck in unfamiliar place.

“Yes, there were just some bots,” Hunk reassured his friend.

“Good, we’re downloading now. Should be done in a minute and then Pidge will place the virus. Unless, there’s not time of course?” Lance asked breathlessly.

“There is,” Shiro assured him even though he wasn’t entirely sure himself. However, they at least had to try to follow through with most the plan.  “We have to do most of the plan if we don’t want Allura to kill us.” Shiro flinched at the last part as they rest became completely quiet.

“Are you sure we should we move the bots?” Hunk asked as he looked at the wide area of destruction.

“No,” Shiro replied after thinking about it for the second time. “We won’t be here for long enough for it to be worth the risk of anyone hearing us.”

Hunk nodded and they walked back to the door of the infirmary.

“I couldn’t open any doors from the control room,” Pidge informed them and Shiro hoped she knew he appreciated her wits for thinking of something that hadn’t even crossed Shiro’s mind and that she tried to help them.

“I’m uploading the virus now,” Pidge continued in everyone’s helmets. “Do you need backup?”

“No,” Shiro declined her offer. “Evacuate to the green lion and wait for us.”

Shiro and Hunk remained motionless for almost a minute while they waited for Pidge and Lance to reach Green. Hunk and Shiro shared a look and Hunk blasted the door open. Alarms blasted through the whole ship but they ignored it as they moved through the ruined door.

Hunk had read wrong. It wasn’t an infirmary. It was so much better. Rows and rows of labeled substances sat on shelves and in cabins.

Shiro had no idea what any of them said and he didn’t entirely trust Hunk’s Galra reading either no matter how lucky his slight reading mistake had been so they both took one of just about everything before they ran towards where they had hid Black.

They were almost in the hangar when another army of bots met them. Both Hunk and Shiro none too gently threw the precious cargo on the floor.

Hunk shoot a few bots right away and Shiro quickly started to destroy one bot after another without too much trouble when he saw a Galra soldier without a helmet charge at him at full speed. Instincts took over and he both avoided a lethal hit with a sword and got a hit in himself.

The Galra didn’t let that stop him and he started frantically swinging the sword and only changed demeanor when Shiro kept stopping the sword with his metal arm. The Galra became reckless and started running on instinct. It was a deadly strategy for both opponents because nothing was more lethal than fighting someone not afraid to get hurt but it also left far too many openings for the Galra.

Shiro’s mind kept telling him he could end this fight quickly. One hit when the Galra forgot to protect his head, neck, chest, anything really. A lit, metal arm could cause serious harm in no time. Shiro tried to listen but every time he readied himself for attack rather than defense the Galra’s face changed to Keith’s purple and terrified one. The Galra’s height seemed to diminish until it reached just under his eyes. It all in his head, even his emotional side knew this, but he still couldn’t ignore the widened, yellow eyes from his memory.

The sword swung lower than before and caused a thin red line to appear on Shiro’s side. It wasn’t deep and Shiro had been far through far worse but the shock caused him to jump and reflexively swung his human arm and hit the Galra’s unprotected nose.

The Galra loosened his grip on his sword and dropped it when a bot arm hit him in the back. Shiro sent a quick glance to Hunk who was shooting one bot after another. Most shots didn’t hit, precise shooting was Lance’s area of expertise, but no bot was safe from Hunk’s energy blaster.

Shiro kicked the Galra and caused him to fall on his back. Shiro closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look as he swung his arm but did the mistake of opening them at the last moment and saw terror in the eyes below him. This time it wasn’t just in his head. The Galra was sure this was his last day alive and he was terrified of it. The glowing hand stopped right in front of the Galra’s face.

Shiro exhaled loudly. Both in frustration because of his own incompetence and an attempt to find the strength to do what had to be done without thinking of when it had been Keith looking up at him.

Shiro felt something in him shift and he knew he could do it now. He could kill this creature under him in just a few seconds and be on his way back to the castle.

“Please, Paladin,” The Galra begged. Galra’s didn’t beg and Shiro’s confusion had a whole second to settle before Shiro felt a horrible sense of déjà vu. It seemed like Shiro had the ability to provoke everyone with Galra blood to act their most unassertive and force them to beg despite them being fiery and confident just moments before.

A lump of feeling stopped him from swallowing the spit in his mouth and his breath hitched as he looked at widened, yellow eyes. The Galra started breathing heavily too. Shiro didn’t want to look at him anymore but he knew that the Galra could still attack even as he seemed too pitiful for it.

“Shiro!” Hunk yelled when the constant sound of the energy cannon stopped. “Are you okay?”

Shiro still looked at the yellow eyes under him and didn’t answer. He wanted to let the Galra go but he couldn’t trust any of them and Hunk would fight too much about it and they needed to leave immediately.

They needed to go out before Lance and Pidge became worried and to get back to the castle with the medicine. _The medicine_ , Shiro remembered.

He punched the Galra with his unlit, metal arm with enough force for the Galra to lose consciousness but hopefully not enough to cause permanent damage to his brain. It would have somehow felt even worse if Shiro knew he had caused a Galra brain damage.

Shiro stood up, took about half of the the medicine they had been carrying before and ran to the black lion with Hunk right behind him as soon as he had collected the other half of the medicine.

They were coming now and maybe they could bring more with them than just information about the Galra Empire. Maybe they could bring another chance for Keith and the rest of the team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sure hope Pidge, Allura, and/or Coran can read the labels... Otherwise it would probably not be wise to fill someone with it and hope for the best.


	7. Shiro's Compressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coran looks at the mystery medicine and Shiro uses the little medical knowledge he got as a pilot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, if you like that sort of thing but no ones arguing with each other.

The mission had gone unbelievably well; no one was hurt beyond bruises so light they didn’t need any medical care, the lions didn’t have a single scratch on them and Pidge had succeeded in collecting information as well as hindering the enemy ship.

Shiro knew the last part hardly mattered as the ship had been so small and would therefore neither be much difference to Zarkon and insignificant ships probably wouldn’t have much information in them.

They landed in the castle and Shiro smiled for the first time in forever when he stepped out of the Black lion and with Hunk by his side. They walked to the medic bay to give Coran the medicine in the hopes that he would know what to do with it and Shiro found the hope bubble inside of him.

Allura was waiting for them when they arrived. She was utterly furious that they hadn’t listened to her, but Shiro suspected that she was more frustrated that she couldn’t command them than disappointed or even hurt about their actions. As mad as he had been about what she said about what was best for the Universe, he hoped she wasn’t hurt. Although, even if he knew he would hurt her, he would still have gone in for the medicine. Even if it turned out to be as ineffective as mints or poisonous, he and Hunk had done _something_ about the situation Shiro had landed Keith in.

“What is the meaning of this?” she asked. “You can’t go out recklessly when we had agreed on a plan!”

“Princess, we did what was needed,” Shiro said patiently. A great accomplishment especially for someone who had just returned from an enemy ship and was greeted with shouting.

“What was needed was you keeping your head instead of running out headlong and put everyone in danger unnecessarily like some child.”

“Princess,” Shiro inhaled deeply “we can discuss this later. For now I would like to give this” Shiro lifted his arms as much as he could without losing his grip on the medicine “to Coran.”

Allura narrowed her eyes but kept quiet. That was all Shiro and Hunk needed to walk past her and put all their cargo on the table Coran was gesturing towards with a professional aura that contrasted his usual, lighthearted behavior.

Coran somehow succeeded in ignoring Allura but not seem the least bit rude as he looked at the labels on all the medicine in front of him. He didn’t really read the writing, that was obvious from how his eyes switched from staying too long and barely skimming over each of the labels, but he seemed to be able to get something from them.

Lance and Pidge arrived not long after but Coran chucked all of the paladins, as well as Allura, out of the medical bay as soon as it was established that no one was seriously hurt on the mission. Shiro had thought he would want Hunk and Pidge to help him again but, apparently, the chance of them distracting him was greater than their chemistry knowledge.

Shiro looked at them as they exited the room and saw that they didn’t protest beyond a simple, “We want to help” but it had come out halfheartedly. Shiro suspected they were both too tired and didn’t have a lot of knowledge about chemistry compared to Hunk’s mechanical knowledge and Pidge’s computer knowledge, so they knew they wouldn’t be of great help even if they had been well rested.

There was no sneaking in to see Keith for days and no need to run away from the sight either. Except being called in the day after the mission because Coran wanted their input on why Keith’s legs had swollen, they were all forbidden from nearing the medical bay. The team had been thrown out of the room just seconds after they had seen Coran typing something into the pod that made it hum loudly with vibrations to help the blood vessels in Keith’s legs with transporting the blood from his legs back into his body.

Finally, on the third day after the mission, Coran let them come into the medical bay again. Keith’s legs were still slightly swollen but Coran said that couldn’t be helped. The cryo pods were designed for quick healing, not housing someone for two weeks. The liquid would simply have to disappear on its own when Keith was well enough to walk again.

“I believe it’s safe to use. I couldn’t find anything that could worsen Keith’s situation,” Coran informed all the inhabitants of the castle.

“And if you’re wrong?” Hunk asked nervously.

“We don’t have another choice,” Pidge said and deflated with her own words. Everyone else was quiet. They really didn’t have another choice. Keith was not improving on his own and no one could argue that even if it went south, and they all knew they would blame themselves if it did, at least they had done _something_.

“What do you need?” Shiro asked and tried to seem confident and was mildly successful.

“I can’t just put it into the cryo pod,” Coran said and Shiro wanted to hit something because of course it couldn’t be that easy. “But we can’t very well take him out for long periods of time.”

Shiro was quiet for a moment. He didn’t want to but he knew he could help with that. He looked over at the others. Pidge seemed too weak to be able to do it for long, Hunk too nervous, Lance could probably do it but then again, if Shiro remembered correctly first aid was something they learned for a couple of hours in the first year of their Garrison careers and he had had lengthy lessons right before the Kerberos mission.

“I can do CPR while you-“ Shiro hesitated for half a second while he tried to remember if he was ever told if the drug would be injected or given orally. He quickly concluded he didn’t know and it didn’t matter and continued as if nothing had happened, “you give him the medicine. “

“CPR?” Allura questioned.

“He can press Keith’s chest to keep his heart beating and blow in his mouth for oxygen,” Pidge explained helpfully but still looked away from Allura as if she wasn’t even in the room.

“Oh, okay,” Allura said and raised her eyebrows in surprise.

“And that works?” she continued after a moment of silence and was answered with a curt nod from Pidge. 

“You do that, Shiro. The rest of you go, go,” Coran instructed. “This needs to be done precisely and I can’t have you all lolling around.”

Several mouths opened to protest but they all realized that it wouldn’t help anything and they would only be in the way if they stayed.

Lance was walking past Shiro but was stopped by a firm hand on his arm. He turned his head to look at Shiro with a lifted eyebrow.

“What do you want?” Lance asked sharply. Shiro was glad that the team didn’t have to like him to follow his orders but it still cut deep when they would talk harshly to him.

Shiro turned his gaze from Lance to in front of himself. He could still see Lance in the corner of his eye but was too cowardly too look directly at him. Some leader he was. He couldn’t even look at his teammate while everyone else had no problem with stopping in their tracks to look openly at him.

“Can you help with the CPR?” Shiro asked emotionlessly. He could do it himself but he remembered from all his lessons that it was best if it was a two-man job.

Shiro could just make out Lance’s eyes flickering from side to side to take all of Shiro in.

“No,” he said to Shiro’s disappointment but continued, “My rhythm is off.”

Shiro nodded somberly. “I’ll do the compressions.”

Lance looked down at the ground and Shiro finally found the strength to look at him and take in Lance’s serious but reddening face. Lance seemed embarrassed about the idea of being lip to lip with Keith but he nodded solemnly.

Everyone safe for Coran, Lance, and Shiro disappeared out of the door and the three turned to look at Keith’s still form. He looked horribly pale as he floated in the pod. Most of it was the lighting that could easily give Keith’s pale skin a bluish tint no matter how healthy he was but some of it had to be from blood loss and whatever Shiro had done to him when he had been convinced Keith was the enemy. He had also lost a lot of weight. His cheekbones were sharp and his cheeks were starting to hollow out. Shiro couldn’t see if it was missing muscle or fat that made him lankier but it couldn’t be good either way.

The pod gave some nutrients and Coran had increased the amount on the second day of Keith being in the pod, but it wasn’t worth it to increase the amount more. There was no needles or tubes going into Keith’s body so all the nutrients he got was through his skin from the liquid around him. Humans could absorb it better than some species of aliens but not great and, part Galra or not, Keith currently looked human so that had to mean that he was mostly like a human in this case. Shiro could only hope that Keith was getting enough of the nutrients because he wasn’t sure how long humans or Galras could survive without food and he didn’t want to find out anytime soon.

Coran was the first one to pull himself away from the sight. He walked quietly around the room before he readied several syringes and placed the stretcher Keith came into the medic bay on in front of the cryo pod Keith was currently in. He looked over what he had done before he turned to Shiro and Lance who obeyed Coran’s silent order and walked over to him.

They only had to move a couple of feet but it felt like miles to Shiro. He cast a side-glance over at Lance and saw an anxious expression marred Lance’s usual smooth face.

Standing in front of the pod was problematic. Both from being so close to Keith but mostly from having the stretcher in his back. He wanted to ask Coran if it could be moved away a tiny bit, just an inch or two really, but his chest felt like it was collecting all the acid from his stomach and the acid was turning into a firm ball that would burst if he even thought of opening his mouth.

He kept quiet in fear of his body turning on him and waited anxiously the seconds it took Coran to open the pod. Four arms was ready to catch Keith the moment the glass moved. Shiro let himself he cruel enough to think he should have commanded Lance to wait on the other side of the stretcher and let Shiro move Keith, since the only thing harder than moving a limp body by oneself was moving a limp body with someone trying to help by pulling on a limp arm.

Shiro was glad he didn’t ask to have the stretcher moved, even if it made turning around difficult, because they barely had to move Keith before they were laying him as quickly as they could without being too careless.

Lance ran around the stretcher to the opposite side of Shiro while Shiro started the compressions the moment Keith was on the stretcher. It had been over a year since he had done this to a puppet and this would be the first time he did it for real on a living being. Because Keith _was_ a living being. He wasn’t dead. Keith should never die. _Could_ never be dead.

One hand that interlaced fingers with the other was placed on Keith’s sternum and Shiro locked his elbows as he had trained. This was it. He knew what to do. He was going to keep Keith’s heart beating. Come on, Shiro told himself. His thoughts was yelling at him. No, that wasn’t his thoughts.

“Press goddamn it, Shiro!” Lance shrieked. “Don’t just stand there uselessly!”

Shiro ignored the fear icing up from his fingers to his chest and moving to everywhere else in him from there, and did the first compression. He suddenly remembered what the teacher from his first first aid class had told him and the morbid tune of ‘Staying Alive’ started to play in his head.

He didn’t even notice he was counting out loud before Lance pushed him away when he hit 15 so Lance could pinch Keith’s nose, push his head back, and blow air into his mouth twice. Shiro then started the compressions again. Keith’s chest gave in each time he pushed, as it should, and Shiro’s arms begged him to stop but he kept going strong. Maybe too strong because he felt one spot give in more than the other parts of Keith’s chest. Oh God, he was right those weeks ago when he thought he would just injure Keith if he gave him CPR. One push fell just short of satisfactory and he realized he had hurt Keith but he couldn’t pay to be gentle if he wanted it to do anything. He kept going with less force than when he broke the rib but far from delicately and the compressions were still pressing Keith’s chest about a third down from its usual depth.

Coran had been feeling around Keith’s body while all that had been happening. Mostly his neck and Shiro could almost feel the three, giant needles in his own neck as he looked at the syringes lying innocently next to him. They were all filled with green, translucent liquid, and Shiro looked down at the floor and saw the drops from when Coran had made sure there were no air in the syringes.

“I need you two to stop for a tick,” Coran half informed, half ordered them away.

They both took a step back even though they were on opposite sides each and Coran was at the head of the stretcher so they weren’t in the way to begin with.

Coran injected one of the syringes into the left side of Keith’s neck, right where one of the mayor veins was. Shiro found it painfully slow. Keith’s lips seemed to turn blue before the syringe was even halfway empty but Shiro couldn’t be sure if that was real or just his mind messing with him. The syringe finally lost all its contents and Coran stepped back to show they could begin the CPR again.

Two rounds of 15 compressions and 2 given breaths and Coran did the same with the right side of Keith’s neck and Lance blew air into Keith’s mouth before letting Shiro lay his hands on Keith again with another round of ‘Staying Alive’ haunting him.

“I need you to turn him around for the last injection,” Coran informed them after Lance had blown two more breaths into Keith’s lifeless body.

Lance furrowed his eyebrows. His jaw was set strong but his eyes were weak and fragile. “It will be quick, right? And he’ll be okay after this?”

“Of course,” Coran assured but everyone in the room could hear how halfheartedly it was. Coran clearly didn’t know what to believe either.

Shiro himself wanted to say something but all his energy went to keeping Keith’s heart beating and the huffs he let out as he counted how many times he had pushed Keith’s chest down occupied his mouth. Lance blew into Keith’s mouth once again and they turned Keith around when Shiro had counted 7 compressions.

Shiro kept a hand on Keith’s back as he was laid on his stomach. It was to no use as Keith was unlikely to move anywhere and if he did, they would want to know right away, but Shiro kept his hand there anyway to keep himself down instead of Keith. Lance had a usable job and was completely stone-faced as he held Keith’s head still while Coran was poking and feeling Keith’s neck for exactly two seconds before he was injecting Keith with another dose of the Galra medicine. Lance looked like a completely different person than when he asked Coran if Keith would be okay not even a minute prior and it scared Shiro a little to think he could look so different too in no time.

This injection seemed to take the longest. Shiro knew it wasn’t true but being completely unable to see how Keith was faring was unnerving. The green fluid slowly moved from the syringe into just slightly left from Keith’s spine but right where his neck started.

Coran pulled the needle out of Keith when the syringe was halfway empty and Shiro expected Coran to tell them to turn Keith around and give him another breath and some heart pumps. He felt stupid for it but was surprised when Coran instead stuck the needle into the skin slightly left from Keith’s spine and emptied it out.

Coran barely gave himself time to pull the syringe out of Keith before he jumped away from the stretcher and opened the cryo pod Keith had inhabited. Shiro and Lance didn’t need to look at each other to know they would be taking a shoulder each and putting Keith in the pod together. That however was much easier with someone else in contrast to taking Keith out of the pod but his biggest help was once again the magnets holding Keith up as they let go of him.

“That’s curious. I could swear he didn’t have any broken ribs before,” Coran commented when the glass was surrounding Keith again and the water gave Keith a sickly appearance. Shiro didn’t know if it was intended for him and Lance to hear but he answered Coran anyway.

“I did accidentally it with the CPR,” Shiro said and did his best to seem calm about it to show Coran that there was nothing to worry about.

Coran turned his upper body to look wide-eyed at Shiro. At first, Shiro thought there was only shock in Coran’s face but he felt is stomach drop down to his knees when he saw how unsettled Coran was. It was not only in his face. His whole body reeked of it, from his lifted and tense shoulders to his light feet waiting for the moment they could run far away from Shiro.

Shiro turned to leave and saw Lance looking intensely at him. The conflicted look was almost enough to bring a smile to Shiro’s face and he felt like the thousand-ton boulder on his shoulders had decreased a pound in weight at the thought of Lance wanting to comfort him or tell Coran that CPR had a tendency to result in broken ribs. The light feeling didn’t even disappear when the other part of Lance won and he turned around on his heels and left Shiro alone with Coran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's true that 'Staying Alive' can save lives and I, like Shiro, learned it in a first aid class when I got my driving license and also found it morbid, but if it helps, it helps.  
> Another one I learned you could use is 'Another One Bites The Dusk' but sing that to ME while giving me CPR and I'll only come back to the world of the living to kill you because singing that song while I'm technically dead sounds like something my brother would do (just without the CPR part.... -._.-)  
> Googling the songs to make sure someone wasn't just pulling a fast one on me, I found out you can also do it to the tune of a song called 'Kickstart My Heart' by Mötley Crüe which is really cool. If my heart stops, please think of that song while you break my fragile, little ribs.  
> Also, break all 12 ribs if you have to as people tend to live longer with broken ribs than non-beating hearts but also don't, you know, break them for fun. If you're a 200 pound guy, don't use ALL your body weight on a small child, and even if you're a small girl, 158 cm give or take a cm, don't use so much force the doll hits the red spot. Not that I know anything about that... ੨( ･᷄ ︵･᷅ )ｼ  
> If anyone asks, I was framed. That doll had it out for me since I said it had a too big mouth for blowing air into.
> 
> Sorry for the author note, but I just wanted to make sure you all stay safe!


	8. Shiro's Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro has a nightmare and visits Keith. Shiro also remembers when the left for Kerberos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this was pretty much a filler but I wanted a dream scene from Shiro. Also, I'm sorry it has taken me forever to update. I've been really drunk lately with a random party and an 18th birthday for someone I know and I can't write for shit with a hangover and when it wasn't that there has been personal stuff going on.  
> So I'm sorry and I'm going to have one or both jaws broken the 2th of May because my dentist wants to turn my slight underbite into a (hopefully also slight) overbite and I guess that would distroy my motivation too, but HEEEEY I've already written about half of the next chapter so, yay, chapter 9 will probably be out while I'm recovering from jaw surgery.

_Shiro walked from the training deck towards his room. He couldn’t remember how he had ended up on the deck and strangely enough he didn’t care at that moment. He just knew that he needed to walk through the hallway and to his awaiting bed._

_One step in front of the other. The sound of his own footsteps were strangely hypnotizing. Regular like no other but he could change it if he wanted to. It shouldn’t, but it gave him an inner peace to know he could control something. Even if it was a minor thing that shouldn’t mean anything at all._

_Shiro stopped when he was about to walk into something. He had been looking at his feet and the last thing he needed was to walk into a wall or door because he couldn’t be bothered to look where he was going. He looked up and looked right into grayish, purplish eyes almost hidden entirely by long, black bangs._

_“Keith?” Shiro asked and looked at the face in front of him with furrowed eyebrows and wide eyes. His hands got a life of their own and started examining Keith. He briefly felt around Keith’s relaxed shoulders before he started feeling around Keith’s face and pushing the hair out of his eyes._

_A weight left Shiro’s shoulders but his stomach still felt tight and he had trouble breathing properly and instead in- and exhaled hurried and shallow puffs of air._

_“It’s really you?” Shiro asked when his left hand settled on top of Keith’s head and kept the bangs out of his face. Shiro’s right hand stayed on Keith’s cheek and made Keith’s left eye narrow because of the squeezed cheek. He couldn’t remember why he was so surprised by the sight of Keith in the hallway but he couldn’t keep himself from getting emotional._

_Keith made an agreeing sound deep in his throat. Shiro hadn’t expected Keith to make any sound and just that simple use of his voice was the most beautiful sound Shiro could imagine._

_“What are you doing here? It’s late,” Shiro said and looked around the hallway that suddenly seemed much darker than before._

_Shiro could feel Keith nodding and looked back at him. He wasn’t trying to get away from Shiro’s hands which was very unlike Keith who would accept physical contact from Shiro but would stop it if it stretched over too long a period. Such a period was normally less than a few seconds and Shiro had been touching Keith for at least a minute._

_“You should go to sleep,” Keith said so quietly and breathy that he sounded like a mild breeze._

_Something stirred in Shiro’s stomach but he ignored it and informed Keith, “So should you.”_

_“I’ve been sleeping for a long time,” Keith answered and looked sincerely into Shiro’s eyes._

_Those words stirred that something Shiro’s stomach even more and made him look closely at Keith again. Keith was looking a bit peaky. It was only half a shade lighter than his normal skin tone and if it had been Lance, Allura or Hunk, it wouldn’t have looked nearly as bad, but the slight difference made Keith paper white._

_Shiro’s right hand moved from Keith’s cheek and to his forehead to see if he could feel a fever. There was no difference and Shiro pulled both hands away from Keith and staggered a step away from him when he looked closely from his fingertips to his bicep._

_His right arm looked identical to his left. That wasn’t right since he could swear that it was made of metal._

_Keith took the step between the two and squeezed Shiro’s right, and very human, wrist and Shiro looked up at him and gasped. Keith looked completely serene but blood was gushing out of his mouth and down his chin and torso where it spread into the fabric of his white shirt. Hadn’t it been black just a moment ago?_

_“Keith?” Shiro asked and looked distressed at his friend. “Are you okay?” he continued stupidly._

_Keith let out a bark of a laugh. It seemed to fill the entire room, the entire castle even, and rung in Shiro’s ears. It wasn’t menacing nor sad but completely carefree and amused but still sounded like something from Shiro’s worst nightmares._

Shiro let out a startled breath as he sat up. He didn’t know what had happened at first. He wasn’t in the hallway but in his bed in complete darkness. There was no sensory input besides his own rattled breaths.

It had been another dream about Keith. No a nightmare. Keith wasn’t awake but safely in a cryo pod to both Shiro’s relief and disappointment.

He was in the pod right? Shiro suddenly wasn’t sure and got the urge to check up on Keith and it had to be _now_.

Shiro threw his blanket off himself and jumped out of his bed in a swift movement. He was only wearing long night pants but he couldn’t find the energy to care if anyone saw him roaming the castle without a shirt.

There was just enough light in the hallway to sense where the walls were and Shiro knew the castle well enough to know where the doors were hiding in the darkness. His footsteps sounded eerie in the darkness and Shiro was glad that he didn’t fear the darkness anymore.

He had learned long ago that darkness was only what he couldn’t see and that the darkness was far stronger on the inside of him than on the outside. He had just started to learn to find his way out of the darkness in him when all of this happened and he didn’t know if he would ever find his way out again.

His feet brought him to the doorway to the medical bay before his mind was ready. He both wanted to sprint into the room and to bolt before taking a single step closer. The need to see Keith won in only half a second and he walked into the medical bay like a doomed man on his way to his execution.

Shiro looked up at the cryo pod. It was the only light in the room and shone so bright that he had to squint his eyes. It blurred his eyes and made Keith look like a giant vaguely human-shaped will-o-wisp. Shiro’s eyes gradually got used to the sharp light and let him open his eyes until he was barely squinting and could see Keith in full detail. Keith look peaceful as he stood among the light and he didn’t have a single trace of blood on him.

His rib had healed only hours after he had received the Galra medicine with Shiro and Lance keeping him alive while Coran injected it and it had only taken so long for Keith to heal because his body had been busy deciding if it wanted to accept or reject the liquid injected in it.

He wouldn’t wake up right away but Coran had been positive that they would see clear results within days no matter if it meant good or bad news.

It was still disturbing to see Keith so still but Shiro sat down cross-legged on the floor in front of Keith and let himself have a moment with no one else in the room. Lance, Pidge and Hunk had all stayed the whole night in front of Keith’s pod the first night after Keith had been given the Galra medicine the day before. They had planned to take shifts so one was with him at all time like they had done before but after a talk with Coran and them threatening Allura with all they had, they decided to believe Allura when she said she didn’t want Keith dead. Besides, she had no reason to lose hope abruptly when he had just been given what could save him.

Keith’s chest wasn’t moving but Shiro knew that he was getting air somehow. Maybe the movement was just so small that one couldn’t spot it with the naked eye or maybe the machine could give him oxygen without making his chest do any work. It was a creepy sight all the same.

An entire hour passed before Shiro stood up on shaky legs completely numb from their position and the cold floor and Shiro swayed for a moment before walking unsteadily until he was nose to nose with the glass between him and Keith.

He lifted his right hand but let it fall again when he caught a glimpse of the metal arm. He instead raised the left one, put it on the glass, and let himself imagine a time where he did the same right before leaving for Kerberos.

_It felt like a lifetime ago but he could still see Matt and Sam doing the same thing he was doing in the present so they could get the illusion of touching Katie’s, Pidge now, and her mother’s hand one last time and Shiro mimicked them and had put his hand up before looking at Keith through the glass._

_Keith of course hadn’t jumped to the opportunity to touch Shiro through a window. Both because Keith was often too logical for his own good and because he wasn’t a touchy person to start with. He had been much closer to Shiro than he was with anyone else even back then after knowing Shiro for under 2 years but they didn’t hug or anything else sappy._

_Shiro had been about to take his hand away from the glass when Keith had huffed loudly and put his hand on the glass. Shiro couldn’t hear Keith but he knew it had been loud from the way he had been using his entire chest and his shoulders had moved quite a bit. It had even been enough to gain Keith a side-glance from both Katie and her mother who had been preoccupied with seeing as much as they could of half of their family before they would be missed for months._

_Shiro had sent Keith a big smile. It had been easier for him to say goodbye than for Keith because he hadn’t been afraid to be scared back then and it’s always easier to be the one going on an adventure than the one left behind. Keith had inhaled deeply and held it in as he sent a hesitant smile. Shiro’s expression had softened a bit and he let some of his misery about leaving and fear for the future shine through. Keith had in turn let his expression become less insincere but his face was still the residence of an upturned mouth and sad eyes._

_Shiro had bitten his lip and tried to hold the tears at bay for Keith’s sake. He already felt bad for leaving and he didn’t want Keith’s last picture of him for months to be him crying. Keith had of course seen the moisture as soon as it occurred and his own eyes started becoming glassy even as he looked away from Shiro and instead to the door he and the female Holts had come in through._

_A voice called Shiro, Sam, and Matt away. Sam and Matt walked backwards away from their family as they waved goodbye and was greeted with frantic waving back. Shiro wanted to say goodbye too but Keith didn’t seem to notice when he banged on the thick glass._

_Keith only looked away from the door when Katie and Matt’s mother, Coleen, let out a sob. He looked at her for a moment before he looked back at Shiro._

_Shiro hadn’t seen Keith so naked from his mental shields before and saw the desperation shine out of Keith before he trampled it down and let his hand fall from the glass to his side._

_Shiro took his away too and stretched and bended his fingers on his left hand a few times as a kind of wave as he stood frozen in front of the glass until Keith mimicked the gesture._

_Shiro knew that he had to leave as soon as possible but it was only Keith swallowing and urging him away with a single wave of both his hands that awoke Shiro enough to turn his back and walk away._

_Don’t look back, don’t look back, don’t look back._

_Shiro had made the mistake of looking back to Keith over his shoulder and saw Katie and Coleen Holt stand close to each other for comfort as Keith had stood a good distance from them looking forlorn all the while trying to look emotionless._

It had been Shiro’s right hand on the glass back then but if he closed his eyes and breathed deeply he could almost imagine that it had been his left and that Keith was currently only trying to seem emotionless on the other side of the glass.

He kept his eyes closed as his hand left the glass and turned his back. He was older now and his voice had more authority both to others and to himself so he should know better than to disobey himself when he reminded himself to not look back.

He looked back and saw Keith looking both like a blank sheet of paper and more abandoned than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if the last part with the present and past was confusing. I think it's fine but it's me who have written it so of course _I_ know where it's one or another.  
>  May 7th 2017, I've italiced when Shiro went to Kerberos and I hope that made it easier to see what was what as I was unable to see how to make it clearer. If anyone has any suggestions, please tell me ;)


	9. Keith's Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, if anyone doesn't understand something Keith says, please tell me. I tried to make it obvious what he says but you never know ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

_Keith was in a forest. It was so beautiful and peaceful. The trees were tall and had different hues of brown and green and the sun was shining through the light green leaves. The wind blew his hair from side to side and he looked around and saw his friends standing in a circle with him but they were all children. Keith looked down at himself and saw he was one too judging from his shorter and plumber limbs._

_“It’s going to happen soon,” Coran told all of them with a high pitched but still recognizable voice and Keith found it weird that he didn’t find the mustache on Coran’s young face strange in any way._

_“What’s going to happen?” Keith asked. He felt stupid for asking because everyone else was nodding knowingly to Coran._

_“Are you sure?” Hunk asked and to Keith’s relief didn’t look as calm and collected as the rest of his friends. Hunk was wearing his usual clothes shrunk down to fit his new, younger body just like the rest of them were but Hunk’s headband was the same size as when he was an adult and it look enormous on him. Keith put almost all his weight on one leg to see behind Hunk and see if the headband reached the dirt and saw that it didn’t just reach the ground, it stretched impossibly long behind Hunk and had somehow wrapped the ends around a tree each and brought a different slash of color among all the earthy colors._

_“Yes, Keith will wake up in just a few ticks,” Coran informed everyone in the circle and made Keith turn his bemused eyes on him._

_Wake up? But Keith was awake right now, wasn’t he? Logically Keith knew that they could very well have meant someone else but something in him knew it was about himself._

Keith woke up standing. He didn’t know how or why but he woke to the sight of glass moving. An invisible push forced him forwards and he fell as soon as he was out of the pod.

Luckily for Keith, Hunk caught him before he hit his head. That would have been bad.

Keith looked bleary–eyed around the room. Hunk was there, obviously, but Pidge and Lance was there too. Allura was standing far away in the door opening and Coran was a step or two in front of her. Keith didn’t even get to wonder why Coran and Allura was so far away when he realized Shiro wasn’t there. Keith was an adult, he didn’t need Shiro to be there and hold his hand as he exited the cryo pod but he still felt a weight fall from his chest and get caught in his stomach when he realized Shiro wasn’t just out of his field of vision. He thought they were friends. Keith felt like they were friends or _at least_ close acquaintances, but apparently not.

Hunk gently rightened Keith with a sympathetic smile. “Not so fast. You’ve been in there for a while.”

Keith looked at him for a moment too long before the words made any sense. Huh, he must really have been in there for a while because he was really out of it. He didn’t think he had felt like that before, but he couldn’t remember if it had been himself or someone else in the pod the last time. He was almost sure it had been him but it could have been Lance or Hunk. Maybe it had even been Coran. Keith wanted to shake all his doubts out of his head but everything was muddled so he didn’t know where to start.

Hunk let go of him and he started swaying. It felt like he had two weights on each side that simultaneously tried to bring him off balance but they somehow didn’t sync up and left him awkwardly trying to not fall in either direction.

He tried to ask where Shiro was but his tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he didn’t think the others understood him when he said, “Wer Shi’o?”

Was this a normal side effect from being in a cryo pod? He didn’t think the others had trouble talking besides maybe being a bit slow because of the fatigue they had suffered after being released from their cryo pods. On the other hand, Hunk had said Keith had been in the pod ‘for a while’, so maybe that was far longer than the others had been in one.

Keith was still swaying but decided to just find Shiro himself. The others could follow if they were worried but he didn’t need anyone to babysit him. He moved one leg and almost twisted his ankle because of the awkward position his foot landed in. Hunk took a hold of Keith again and this time didn’t let go when Keith was upright again.

“Wow, Keith, are you okay?” Hunk asked while Pidge and Lance looked anxiously at Keith. He couldn’t see Allura and Coran, but he thought they must have looked the same too. At least, if how far away they were didn’t indicate anything.

Keith shook his head, because for once he didn’t want to lie about how he was feeling, but it ended up with him looking like a bobblehead with the uncontrolled rolling of his neck.

Keith’s breath sped up a fraction in his frustration. He hadn’t been overly concerned before but this wasn’t normal, was it? If it was, he never wanted to enter a cryo pod again.

“Wanna sit,” he forced out but the words were slurred and indistinct. The ‘w’ was almost nonexistent and the ‘s’ sounded more like a hiss than a normal ‘s’.

The others were quiet for a short while and Keith was worried they hadn’t understood him but then Lance gave his best smile. It was clearly fake and looked like it pained him but Keith secretly appreciated the effort he put into it.

“Of course, buddy. In the couch area or the stairs or where do you want to sit?” Lance wasn’t speaking fast but he couldn’t understand anything he said. He knew that he knew the words but his brain refused to translate the sounds into anything understandable.

“He looks like he’s about to faint. Better just here for now,” Pidge suggested through Keith’s internal panic and heavy stare at Lance.

Hunk and Lance helped him down so he could sit on the top stair. The cryo pod was too far away to lean up on and the stairs were too small to balance anything. He put his hands right next to his hips and clenched so hard around the edge of the stair that it hurt his hands, but he felt like he didn’t know where his hands were if he didn’t do it. His arms quickly started to ache because of how rigid and twisted they had to be but he couldn’t move them without fearing that he would fall down.

“Keith, you’re worrying us a bit here, buddy,” Lance said nervously. The words stuck this time and Keith knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Lance that the was acting oddly out of character. When had he started to say stuff like that about or to Keith, especially with that tone of voice and vulnerable expression? He also wanted to ask about Shiro again. Was he on a mission? If so, why wasn’t the others with him? Or did Shiro suddenly just not care? He knew Shiro would come and wait for everyone else so what had Keith done to upset him? Something tickled in his brain at the thought of Shiro and something happening between them but he couldn’t collect the feelings and flashes to something coherent. Something about fingernails but Keith quickly dismissed that as it made no sense why anyone’s nails would play a part in anything.

Keith looked at the others and saw they waited for him to say something but no words came to him. He almost felt like he was deaf with no hands. He knew what he wanted to say and almost knew how but it was like the tools to say it was gone.

He heard footsteps and looked to the door opening hoping to see Shiro but was only greeted by the sight of Allura’s receding silhouette disappearing. Coran switched between looking at Keith with furrowed eyebrows and a downturned mouth and down the hall where Coran could probably still see Allura once or twice but eventually slopped his shoulders and looked guilty as he walked after her.

“What’s wrong?” Pidge asked when she saw him scowl.

Keith didn’t want to try his luck with talking again so he simply pointed, or it used to be simple but one thing was that he felt like he was losing the little balance he had by removing one hand from the stair but another thing was that he was pointing way off and hit Lance in his eye.

“Son of a-“ Lance winced as he cursed.

“Sho’ry,” Keith apologized clumsily and didn’t dare to move beyond moving his hand back to himself again so he wouldn’t accidentally hit anyone else.

“It’s,” Lance said before groaning as he held a hand to his eye. He inhaled and started again, “It’s fine.”

“At least we know Keith’s back and ready to fight anyone trying anything on him,” Pidge said half-jokingly and half-seriously.

Lance let his hand fall but kept his eye shut as he glared with the other one. “That’s not funny, Pidge.”

Pidge looked down at her feet. “Yeah, I know.”

Keith was concerned. Something must have happened while he was in the pod and judging from Lance’s behavior and Shiro’s absence it must have been something serious and very, very bad. He wasn’t a stranger to confusion. It was more than expected when he went from living in the middle of the desert by himself to living with six other people and four mice on top of being thrown into the role of defender of the universe in a war he didn’t know existed, using a probably magical, giant spaceship-lion. However, he rarely felt as young as he did at that moment.

Keith brought the others attention back on him by asking where Shiro was but the others didn’t seem to understand what he was saying. They furrowed their eyebrows and narrowed their eyes as they looked closely at him, but they seemed to almost simultaneously decide to act like Keith wasn’t trying to get a message across but just babbling. Keith suddenly didn’t feel bad for hitting Lance and wished he had hit Hunk and Pidge too.

Pidge moved uncomfortably close to him and looked him in his eyes. She took a firm hold of his chin when he tried to move his head away from her.

“Hey, does they look really wide to you two?”

“What, Pidge?” Hunk asked as both he and Lance moved to they were all three pressed together and right in front of Keith’s face.

“His pupils,” Pidge clarified.

“Yeah, they are,” Lance answered perplexed.

“Hey, Keith, how’s your head,” Hunk asked kindly and sounded more like he was talking to a frightened and injured child than someone his own age. Keith didn’t even feel like protesting anymore when they all at long last moved their faces out of his.

“I’ hur’s,” Keith slurred even though he was slightly offended that they seemed to talk more over him than to him even though he was right in front of them.

“Coran didn’t say anything about a concussion,” Lance said as he looked closely at Keith but still acted like Keith wasn’t present.

“Lance,” Hunk said and brought Lance’s eyes on him so he could send the driest look Keith had ever seen on Hunk’s face “are you _really_ surprised that he has a concussion?”

Lance looked at the floor for a moment and briefly furrowed his eyebrows before he answered, “I guess not.”

Keith wanted to yell at them to look at him and tell him what had happened to both him and everyone else, but he was starting to feel embarrassed by his new speech impediment.

“Do you think that’s why he has no balance?” Pidge asked and didn’t even blink when Hunk and Lance looked sharply at her sharp tone. At least Keith knew that they were aware of his presence.

“I don’t know,” Hunk answered when Pidge had ignored his and Lance’s looks for a few seconds. “I mean, he didn’t act like this the other times he had a concussion.”

“Why does everything has to be so difficult with you two?” Lance asked before he turned his gaze to Keith, “Do you feel concussed?”

Keith thought for a moment. He was disorientated like he had been every time he had had a concussion but that had mostly been the first twelve hours after the more severe concussions and he guessed being in a cryo pod for a while was at least a day. He was nauseated and dizzy which he had felt throughout his former concussions. He couldn’t remember ever having any amnesia about events, but he had heard that a concussion could trigger memory loss surrounding the incident causing the concussion and he defiantly had some memory loss about what had happened to him.

The answer was clear just under two seconds after Lance had asked and Keith nodded.

Lance brought his hands together in a loud clap that made Keith wince. “Great, now that’s settled, can we get Coran?”

* * *

 

Hunk and Keith spent a long 3 minutes alone while Pidge and Lance ran up after Coran. They must have run the whole way because Keith was sure that it took a lot longer than 3 minutes to run up and down the castle. He of course didn’t know exactly where in the castle Coran was located but he had a few guesses.

Finally, after those long minutes, Lance appeared with Coran who looked Keith over and confirmed that yes, Keith had a concussion, but it wasn’t a big deal and the concussion would just have to heal on its own. He also denied that, no the dilated pupils where not from the concussion, it but instead the cryo pod’s lingering effects that would leave Keith’s system on its own.

He however became worried when he noticed just how uncoordinated Keith was. It was normal to be more sluggish and clumsy with a concussion and from barely being out of a cryo pod but Keith stumbled over almost every step even while looking at his feet and having an arm around Lance’s and Hunk’s shoulders respectively.

Coran seemed like he had wanted to find out what was wrong with Keith instead of letting them leave but there was only so much flickering a light in someone’s face could do. Coran rambled something about samples but that he had already got some from collecting skin. Keith would have thought a cheek swab would have been sufficient, but then again, Keith didn’t know too much about medicine.

Coran close to ordered Hunk and Lance to bring Keith to the dinning hall after giving up on instantly finding out what was ailing Keith now, and perhaps he too had a naïve hope that it was just because of Keith’s new malnourishment that caused his lack of balance and general loss of control of where his limps went. Keith hoped that too but he wasn’t gullible enough to think his speech impediment was just because he was hungry. Which he actually wasn’t, hungry, but all three men, and Pidge when she finally arrived back to the medical bay after not having found Coran for a few additional minutes, escorted him towards the dinning hall.

Eating was… weird. Keith found himself to be a decently calm person most of the time when they weren’t in battle or someone did anything to slightly agitate him between Shiro’s disappearance and Keith getting kicked out of the Garrison or when Lance was teasing him now. Okay, Keith wasn’t always a calm guy but he hadn’t had any problems with eating in front of others before, but even he found it really awkward how everyone looked intensely at him and Shiro appeared in the door opening after Keith had been seated for a minute. Keith had thought that Shiro would ask him how he was or command that the others let Keith eat his green goo in peace since eating while feeling full and slightly nauseated was hard enough by itself. Instead, Shiro just lingered awkwardly in the door opening and looked more like an insecure child than a man in his twenties who had seen more than a man on his deathbed should have.

Keith also found out that the technique of eating was lost on him. It wasn’t that he didn’t know that he was supposed to bring the spork to his mouth with some food goo on it, but his grip on the spork was awkward and he literally didn’t know how to aim it as soon as he couldn’t see it. Which ended up with him ungainly moving the spork as he looked intensely at it and did his best to ignore the 5 pair of eyes looking at him but all the effort was for naught as soon as he couldn’t see the spork’s tip anymore and it hit around his mouth more than in it.

The first time that happened had been embarrassing but almost already forgotten by all as soon as Keith had cleaned his face with his sleeve. Second time had been concerning to both Keith and everyone else. Third time had extremely worrying and the attempts, even the more successful ones, after that brought more and more anxiety to all of them.

 Just the cherry on top to make the whole experience unpleasant, both of Keith’s sleeves couldn’t keep up and he eventually had to let himself look like a baby trying, and failing, to feed itself.

And still Shiro lingered. Keith could feel the man’s eyes try to look deep into Keith’s soul but Shiro never made any movement to go into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sidenote, thanks to Zenthisoror who after chapter 4 reminded me of cheeks swabs's existence.
> 
> Another thing, I know it maybe doesn't seem like it but I actually try to update as much as possible, but my life have been caotic lately but the surgery I couldn't get anyway because someone got a beam in his face (so he needed emergency surgery) and I worry more about my (probable) fuure surgery more than before I was supposed to have it. So... Sorry.


	10. Shiro’s Realization

It had been clear already after only a day of Keith being awake that he had problems with eating. Hunk had wanted to build the armrests higher on the chairs on the second day but Keith found a way to wedge himself in the chair. It looked extremely uncomfortable for his spine, but it kept him upright without too much effort and it had made Keith happy to show that he didn’t need a special chair, which was important too. Keith could seem emotionless at times but Shiro knew it was only an attempt to seem tough and keep himself safe mentally.

Sadly, Keith couldn’t fix all of his problems alone. Such as his problems with the literal act of eating which inspired the others to give him a mirror in the middle of his second meal out of the cryo pod. Luckily, Keith did accept that help without too many unhappy looks and quickly did his best to seem unaffected when using it. Shiro wasn't personally affected by watching someone eat but he could imagine how weird it would be for Keith to watch himself eat, especially with how closely Keith had to so if he didn’t want to reenact his first meal out of the pod with all the mess and worry.

Shiro could just not figure out why Keith was looking bored and even slightly disgruntled by the concept of eating. It was the same reaction no matter what he put into his mouth.

Hunk had been allowed to use the small stash of tasty ingredients they had on board in an attempt to restart Keith’s appetite. At first it had seemed to work as Keith had looked at the food with something closer to excitement but he soon enough looked pained and like it was a chore to eat.

Coran gave Keith some food too, made to fatten him up, and Coran had apologized as he gave it to Keith and said he knew it didn't taste very good but Keith had eaten it with as much boredom and as forced as any other meal. Coran's food, which had been told to taste even worse than Coran's usual cooking, had been received as well or badly as Hunk's best since they left Earth. And it really had been Hunk's best cooking. Shiro cared a lot about staying in shape but he could have easily eaten himself a few pounds heavier if he had access to _that_ food.

A whole week passed with all the paladins trying to keep themselves mentally together at the same time that they tried to think of anything that could fix Keith. Even if it were just one of his problems, it would have been heaven sent. A week that should have bulked Keith up but he instead looked thinner than ever which Shiro hadn’t let himself think was possible. Keith hadn’t been even close to fat before the… incident between him and Shiro but he hadn’t looked painfully thin either which he had turned before even leaving the pod.

Shiro actually wished Keith looked like he did when he was in the cryo pod. At least he had had _some_ fat and muscle on him when he was taken out of the pod but a week of barely eaten had taken the last bit of meat and left him looking like an Asian-like version of the starved, African children Shiro’s television back on Earth had been filled with from time to time.

It didn’t help that Keith was literally unable to move around the castle on his own two legs. He had tried to crawl but that was just painful to look at and even on all four, he hurt himself more than it was worth. He was told to stop and could from there fourth out not travel around the castle without an escort. It didn’t take long for them to find out that it was far more effective to just carry him instead of only being his balance and having Keith watch each step with great care. Keith had complained loudly with resentful grunts and stares each time someone indicated they were going to carry him but the protests had slowly quieted down after a few days and Shiro didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. He hoped it meant Keith had accepted that he needed the help but it was nothing to be ashamed of but he feared it meant Keith had given up.

No, not Keith. Keith was far too strong to give up after only a week and the only reason he didn’t remind the others he needed help moving to the dinner room was because he was tired. At least that was what Shiro chose to believe.

"Eat!" Allura commanded the evening of the 8th day as Keith had only succeeded in playing with his food. "Do you want to die? Because starving yourself is a sure way to do so!"

Seeing Allura invested in Keith’s eating habits was a sight to be seen. It wasn’t that she was unfeeling but ever since they had found out that Keith was part Galra, she had kept as big a distance between them as possible and only talked about him when asked permission to use their supply of spices to make Keith eat or modifying the chairs. Even though Shiro was hypocritical enough to be mad at her for avoiding Keith, at least he now knew that she still cared enough to be frustrated with him.

"Now you care if he dies?" Lance asked in response to Allura’s roar.

"I never wanted him to die and neither do I want it now."

"Really? Because that was not the image I got from you trying to kill him when he was in a coma." Maybe the coma part wasn't true as it had been more about Keith's heart not beating than him unable to wake up but Shiro didn't want to correct Lance since coma sounded better in his ears than artificially kept alive. Shiro opened his eyes wide when he registered who was hearing this fight for the first time.

Keith looked at the table with wide eyes that would sometimes close for almost an entire second but otherwise was open as the discussion kept going on around them but the conversation never went anywhere. Keith would sometimes mouth some indistinct words but wouldn't voice anything. It was probably the same kind of shock that was keeping Keith silent that was doing the same thing to Shiro as they both heard about how Allura wanting to turn his pod off. He knew he should stop Lance and Allura. It wouldn't take more than reminding them of the company they were keeping, but Shiro found himself unable to do anything but watch Keith’s subtle reactions.

In the end, Hunk saved the day. He had had to go to the bathroom right before the meal and was only standing in the room for 2 seconds before he looked at Keith’s plummeted shoulders.

“What are you thinking!?” He scolded.

Both Allura and Lance turned their heads slowly and looked over at Hunk wide-eyed and slightly slack mouthed. Both was astonished that Hunk was yelling at them but Allura had a hint of resentment to her from having someone under her acting like he was above her rank.

“Haven’t you discussed this enough already? I get it, Lance, I’m furious too but couldn’t you two think of others for one second and _not_ discuss it right in front of Keith?”

Both Allura and Lance’s eyes widened even more. Shiro didn’t think they could do that and he was absolutely positive that if they didn’t stop soon, then their eyes would pop out.

“Keith, I hope you can forgive us for being so thoughtless,” Allura said in a level voice without emphasizing any words. She sounded more mature and collected than she really was but it was clear to all of them that it was only to hide just how embarrassed she was about her thoughtlessness and possibly also how it would sound to someone else that she thought it was best to turn their life support off.

“Yeah, me too,” Lance apologized with waves of embarrassment radiating from his whole being.

Keith looked conflicted for a moment and Shiro was worried that it meant he didn’t know if he could forgive them. Shiro just hoped that Keith would forgive Lance who had started the fight between him and Allura but looked too devastated and embarrassed to awake anything other than protectiveness in Shiro.

Shiro quickly found himself being wrong when Keith nodded clumsily to show he forgave them. Keith hadn’t been wondering how to express his anger, he had been wondering how to express his forgiveness. That was surprisingly calm of him.

“I know it may not sound that way to you, but I can assure you that it wasn’t anything personal that lead me to wanting to-. “ Allura looked away in the shame Shiro found she deserved. Both for having such thoughts in the first place but also for mentioning at a time like now.

“I,” Keith said almost as clearly as he used to be able to talk but the other word was incomprehensible. Shiro wished he or anyone else in the room could have guessed the meaning because the frustration was falling off Keith in waves of shame and anger.

“Shh-o ha’,” Keith had to take a little break after only those two words. “su-su’ned off.”

The words weren’t exactly easy to understand but Shiro realized the meaning with a start.

“You _wanted_ us to have turned it off?” Pidge voiced Shiro’s upsetting realization with almost as much outrage as Shiro felt.  

Keith furrowed his eyebrows more than what could be natural and concentrated so much that he turned slightly cross-eyed. Shiro really did pity him and the shame for being the cause of this bobbled in his stomach and ate all his appetite.

In the end, Keith simply tilted his head from side to side. It wasn’t exactly a clear sign to how he was feeling and without any nuances but it made Shiro believe that Keith didn’t wish they had just killed him, but the fact that there had been talk about it didn’t upset him either. Or something along those lines. Shiro would have asked but he both didn’t feel entitled anymore and Keith looked so heartbroken and exhausted every time he failed communicating. Shiro didn’t know how much heartbreak anyone could take without going completely mute, and he didn’t want to find out. In addition, he didn’t want Keith to try to use body language more than he already was as he almost threw himself out of the chair by just shaking his head firmly.

Shiro wanted to talk to Keith but at the same time didn’t He wanted to forgive himself enough to try but at the same time what would it matter? He could talk to Keith but with Keith like he currently was it was more talking at him.

Keith wouldn’t like that either. Probably.

* * *

Keith was brought back to his room after he had finished his food. Hunk had asked him as he did after every meal if Keith wanted to stay and talk, but once again, Keith had shaken his head and therefore chosen once again to be all alone in his room.

“So Keith obviously doesn’t remember what happened, right?” Lance asked when he and Hunk returned to the dinner room after they had delivered Keith to his room.

“Yes, that’s pretty clear, Lance,” Pidge said absentminded as she tinkered with some kind of small plate.

“So, should we tell him or not? Is it necessary for him to remember on his own or have we just been keeping quiet for no reason since he has to know sometime?” Lance asked and even though no one was sending him any looks, Shiro felt out of place with his team.

“The quiznak if I know,” Pidge answered as diplomatic as ever.

“Weren’t you supposed to be smart?” Lance asked with a dead expression, clearly not amused about being snapped at for asking a valid question.

“Lance, I’m literally a 14-year-old with no real medical training who went straight from middle school to the Garrison. I don’t even have a history of getting any concussions. Keith seems to have one every 3 minute so you would have better luck with him.”

“Wow, really smart, Pidge. Ask the person it’s about what he thinks. No, it doesn’t matter that he can barely say a word and has never had any regards to his own health. Pidge, he would tell us to tell him even if he knew he would die from it.”

“Guys?” Hunk asked and closed his mouth tightly at the sight of the glares even if they softened when they weren’t looking at each other anymore.

“I think we should tell him. It’s not fair if we don’t and like Lance said he would have to know some time so I think we should just do it ourselves so we can do it delicately instead of him remembering when he’s alone,” Hunk continued and unintendedly reminded everyone how likely he was to remember it alone if he got his memory back.

Lance sent Pidge a smug look but there was no ill blood after that.

Shiro felt sick to his stomach. Hunk was right; Keith _did_ have a right to know. However, Shiro liked that Keith wasn’t mad at him or looked fearfully at him. Granted, Shiro hadn’t been even in arm’s reach of Keith since the one time to had to carry Keith and endure Keith’s pained puffs of breath at being carried over Shiro’s shoulder. Apparently, that wasn’t a great way of transporting someone even if they weren’t injured anymore.

Shiro tried to swallow the lump sitting in his throat but wasn’t successful. “We should tell him.”

The other paladins looked at him with neutral expressions but didn’t argue. Shiro knew it was mostly because they had already decided on the matter and so Shiro’s agreement with them could hardly be a reason for an argument but he was still relieved.

Allura’s lips fell into a straight line. “I don’t know how smart it is,” she said with no indications about how much or how little she doubted. “What do you say, Coran?”

“I see no harm in it and,” Coran said much more cheerful than the others but still far from his usual level.

“Let him have today and then we can tell him tomorrow faster than a Weblum can devour a planetoid,” Coran advised so confidentially and twirled his ginger mustache as if he had been in the situation 1000 times before that even Allura didn’t have any complains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having that jaw surgery tomorrow so I'm not sure when I can post the next chapter. Half of chapter 11 is actually written so hopefully not as long as I kept you guys waiting for chapter 10 :P


	11. Keith's Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really mean to Keith in this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One part of me is screaming, "Leave that poor boy alone!" while the other part is just practicing its evil laughter

Needing help was foreign to Keith but he had to endure it if he wanted to go anywhere in the castle. Keith thought he could do it himself but after being discovered trying to crawl very unsuccessfully more than once, he had to accept that they wouldn’t let him. At least being carried around was less embarrassing than when Hunk insisted Keith couldn’t use the bathroom by himself. Now he was just brought there and left on the toilet and sitting down while peeing or having trouble wiping was far more preferable than getting help for that. 

Didn’t mean he had to like the rest of all of the help though and no one was in doubt about how little Keith liked it despite Keith turning voluntarily mute most of the time. At least Lance didn’t try to carry Keith over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and had opted for giving Keith a piggyback ride. As modifying as having Lance of all people carry him around, Keith appreciated not having a bony shoulder jammed into his soft stomach and just generally being embarrassed about being handled like a carcass.

Actually, Keith seemed to be the only one who found Lance carrying him weird and maybe it wasn’t. Pidge and Coran had been out of the question from the get-go with Pidge being a weak 14-year-old girl and Coran doing so much already that Keith wasn’t sure if the man ever slept.

Allura could probably have thrown a tank one-armed if she wanted to, Keith had seen her training and wasn’t fooled by those skinny arms, but having the princess carry him around would just have been weird. Besides, Coran would usually kill anyone suggesting they were entitled to have Allura carrying them and he had been more protective of Allura than he usually was since Keith awoke. Which left only Hunk and Lance since Shiro had tried his best to keep his distance from Keith since he awoke 9 days prior.

“Keith?” Lance huffed and Keith lifted his head to look properly at the back of Lance’s head instead of dreaming himself far away from straddling Lance. “Can I sit you down for a moment?”

Keith lifted one hand from where he had kept a grip on Lance’s shirt and looked to make sure he didn’t poke Lance’s eye again as he gave a thumb-up. Lance lowered Keith gracelessly to the ground.

“I’m just gonna…” Lance said as he pointed in the general direction of his room. Keith couldn’t be completely sure but he was pretty sure no one would understand exactly what exactly Lance meant but found himself not caring and just waiting for Lance to leave. It wasn’t like anything really mattered anymore. The food was bland and felt weird in his mouth, he couldn’t even walk or talk properly, and if the Galra attacked he would just be in the way and he had a worse viability than a stereotypical fairytale princess.

He wasn’t sad, just empty. An emptiness that felt far heavier than anything ever had before. It was a weight deep inside his stomach. It was so heavy that he was sure his rabidly weakening limps would soon give out permanently and his flame once blazing brighter than any sun and twice as volatile would die down to nothing. Maybe his once great wings could have carried him to somewhere where the weight could have been removed and his flame relit but they were chipped. He missed those wings but there would be no flying away when things got tough anymore, at least not physically. His mind therefore did it for him every time the outside became too quiet or conversations became too rapid for his ears to follow even though it had once been so easy. He dreamed of silence from his internal and external struggles but the emptiness would still overpower him at times.

Keith laid down on the floor, looking up at the ceiling as he waited. Just like an infant, he couldn’t even sit up without help from a person or an object and as a result got to admire how clean Coran kept everything. If anyone in the castle were paid in other things than room and board, Keith would have told Allura that Coran deserved a raise.

Keith turned his head and looked up at the two buttons on the wall. Both square and gray. Nothing special to look at really, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off them. It took him surprisingly long but he eventually recognized it as the buttons to open and close the airlock standing dull but proud a small distance away from him.

It was mostly just a morbid curiosity if he could do it but the feeling of eternal helplessness and hopelessness were the things that tipped him over the edge and motivated him to act.

One extended leg was all he needed to push the bottom button and the door opened obediently.

Keith let out puffs of air as he was forced to use only his arms to turn himself on to his stomach and then slowly move the meter between himself and the open door. He took so long that the door closed automatically and he had to use his leg once more to press the button.

The door opened and Keith hurried through it as quickly as he could. It was not very quickly and he would have had time to thank his flexibility multiple times if he had let himself have any other thoughts than he ones required to move himself when he had no sense of where his limbs were.

Inside the room, Keith faced himself towards the wall to the left of the door opening and pulled himself up by holding on to the smooth doorframe until he stood almost completely ridged leaned up against the wall and looked at the two square buttons on this side of the wall. Keith took a deep breath, pushed the one closest to the door, and enclosed himself in the small, metal room. The room was light gray and smooth like the inside of a casket but with none of the useless pillows and velvet found in the deaths’ last homes.

“Keith?” Lance asked faintly a distance away and just loud enough for Keith to hear through the door. Keith froze at the sound. What the hell was he doing inside an airlock?

“Where is he?” Lance asked himself loudly, the sound of his voice just in front of the door was enough to startle Keith and almost caused him to fall.

Keith looked at the buttons sitting innocently next to each other. Looking at them like that it seemed preposterous that they had ever be meant to be anything other than opposites. Life and death. The decision of living for others or dying for yourself.

“Keith!” Lance shouted through the door and Keith looked up at him with wide eyes. The sound was muffled through the glass but it still sounded louder than anything else Keith could remember ever hearing before and the time for thinking was over and had to make way for action.

Keith sent Lance a last look and looked into his wide eyes as he pushed the left button and was sucked into space with a breathtaking pull. It was both figuratively but mostly literally meant, as the pull felt like a punch in the gut and forced Keith to exhale all the air in his lungs.

His eyes blurred because of how fast he was pulled away from the castle, and his last sight of it before that was Lance throwing his fists on the glass, yelling after him and Keith felt remorse at what he had put Lance through. What he would put everyone through but he didn’t know if he regretted his decision. He couldn’t remember how long it would take to die in space but he would just have to hope that it would happen before Lance rung the alarm or Allura noticed the airlock had been opened. Waking up with even more helpless would be harrowing. On the other hand, what more could be done without killing him or turning him into a complete vegetable that even his emotional teammates wouldn’t force to suffer? He at least hoped they wouldn’t keep him around and defiantly doom both themselves and the entire universe because they couldn’t form Voltron.

Keith ended up just outside the castle breathless with no chance of catching any air while he was floating and waiting for the air in his blood to slip up. Looking past the uncomfortable lack of oxygen, Keith found his first second in space surprisingly non-horrible. He expected it to be colder, harsher, and that was when the effects of space kicked in.

Keith could feel the bubbles forming in his body. His training back on the Garrison informed him that his body was not boiling even through the boiling point in his body had lowered significantly but every little bubble felt like fire in his veins. Seconds passed like hours and Keith’s entire body started to tingle and he looked on in horror when his fingers started to swell. Not enough to burst his skin and it didn’t hurt more than the rest of him but it was still a surprising sight to see.

Tears found their way into his eyes from both the pain and the desperation of thinking of something to stop the pain. Anything would be better than this and perhaps deep down he didn’t want to die. At least not this way. He wanted to die a hero’s death with admiring eyes and a great legacy instead he was going to die as a coward floating around in space with the image of Lance tattooed on his retina.

Silent sobs left Keith and enforced the feeling of being strangled. He kicked and screamed but no one could hear him cry and Keith knew deep down that he was turning delirious as the pain increased in his veins. His tongue started to boil just a moment before he saw a spark of red in the vast gloom of space that was quickly eaten by darkness of unconsciousness.

* * *

Keith woke up to screaming. He opened his eyes and for a second he didn’t understand why he was looking at the ceiling of Red’s Bay. He turned his eyes to the right and saw Red looking ominously down at him if it wasn’t for her wide open mouth.

“He’s awake!” Coran informed everyone in the room with a loud, excited and headache causing voice.

Keith looked to his left and saw everyone in the castle looking down at him and at the sight of Lance’s wet cheeks he remembered what he had done. He felt sick to his stomach but he didn’t know if it was because of him trying to kill himself, in front of someone else none the less, or if it was just lasting effects from space. Maybe it was even the thought that he had been saved. That he couldn’t even end his own life if he wanted to.

“How are you feeling?” Hunk asked and Keith didn’t even have time to notice anything about himself besides being really tired before Pidge asked another question.

“What were you thinking?” she hissed and raised her voice at her next question, “Do you want to die!?”

Yes, Keith decided, he wanted to die. He hadn’t let himself think about it before he tried to end his life, but it was no accident. Still, he wanted to tell the others that he wanted to want to live. So many people with serious disabilities lived great, happy lives. Some born that way and some like Keith had been through something that made them that way. He wanted to be like them. Be an inspiration and somehow defeat Zarkon but he didn’t know how he would be anything but a burden to both himself and the others.

They loved him, just as he loved them. They were afraid of him and for him but they loved him and had tried to help him, but it wasn’t enough. They couldn’t work miracles. Well, Allura could heal an entire, sentient planet but apparently not a human.

“He just woke up, Pidge!” Lance yelled back at her. “At least give him time to wake up before biting his head off!”

“Oh, just like you waited to mourn him until he was dead? Maybe you could have informed us instead of yelling at a glass door!” She mocked with an ugly sneer.

Keith couldn’t look away from the two arguing teenagers. Not because he wanted to see any of it but he was too tired to move anything at all.

“You try seeing what I saw and then you can come back and blame me. Besides, Pidge, tell me because you’re _so_ smart and can’t do _anything_ wrong; what could I have done to help?” Lance retorted and got an equally ugly curl on his lip.

“Sound the alarm would have been a great help, _Lance_. We’re just lucky that the red lion decided to save Keith or else he would have been dead and it would have been _your_ fault for doing _nothing_ ,” Pidge answered. She let go of her sneer but widened her eyes for the duration of every emphasized word.

“My fault!” Lance repeated in so much outraged that his whole face forgot to look anything other than shocked except his eyes that still held a great deal of fire and Keith decided to try to sit up unrelated to the argument happening in front of him. “Last time I checked I couldn’t breath in space any better than Keith can so how is it _my_ fault he decides to take a spontaneous trip to void-land!?”

Hunk saw Keith’s struggle and walked over to help him sit up and lean on Red’s claw. Keith gave Hunk a tired nod in gratitude and watched as Hunk gave a cautious one back as he returned to the rest of the group.

“I’m not saying jump out after him, you idiot!” Pidge yelled back and everyone was screaming at each other and occasionally Keith before long.

Keith was trying to listen to what the others were saying even if it did hurt both physically because of the volume and mentally to hear all the things they were calling each other and the blame especially Pidge put on him, but they were talking too fast for him to follow any of their words. He didn’t know if they were actually speaking all at once or if it was just his brain playing evil tricks on him.

Keith looked down at his hands for the sole reason of looking anywhere that wasn’t anyone’s furious face and not having anyone seeing how far away his mind was drifting in an attempt to have _something_ to do besides listening to screaming was an added plus. It probably fooled the others in thinking it was only because he felt guilty. It was true that he felt guilty but he was more or less empty at the moment. Maybe the guilt would come back stronger later.

He wondered how Red had been doing in the 9 days he had been awake and the time he had been in the pod. He hadn’t visited her since he woke up and he felt guilty for that but he had been busy with the whole crippled thing and every time he had thought of her he had felt uneasy beyond just guilt.

His mind was really drifting or he had forgotten to blink for too long because his hand looked weird. He blinked hard and looked again. No, it looked worse now. Maybe being out in space without a spacesuit had brought more damage to him? That would just be great...

He turned his hand and looked at more discoloring. It didn’t look inhuman. It was just patches of skin slighter darker than his normal skin tone. Keith exhaled almost loud enough to hear it over the constant scolding. His eyes turned to look at the floor for only a tick when his fingers started to tingle and he turned his gaze back and saw the patches were spreading and darkening _fast_.

His breath hitched as he looked at his hands changing. This wasn’t real. Hands didn’t do anything like that and even if he got some weird radiation from his last trip outside the castle, he would have gotten a sunburn or cancer, not turn into a mutant.

His nails darkened too and he stopped being able to breath. Everything was quiet. At first he thought his mind had finally succeeded in tuning the team out but a quiet a quiet, “Are you alright?” from Hunk told him that they had noticed that something was wrong and had stopped shouting.

Keith just shook his head as his eyes kept staring at his hand as the nails grew longer and hairs starting sprouting up from his skin. It should hurt, shouldn’t it? Why wasn’t it hurting? Or more like, why was this happening to him?

His eyebrows were more furrowed than he could remember them ever being before and his vision started to blur but he could still see that his other hand looked identical to the first one when he moved them both in front of himself. His breath kept hitching and he felt lightheaded. His chest hurt and he realized he wasn’t exhaling and the inhaled air was trying to expand his lungs more than they were capable of.

“Keith?” Shiro asked with concern enough to fill the entire castle but Keith couldn’t really register any of it. His sole focus was on his hands and troubled breath.

His hands stopped changing in only a few seconds or ticks and Keith’s body forced him to relax enough to exhale.

His hands were purple.

There was purple fur.

Keith only knew one creature with purple fur and his entire body froze. Unable to ex- nor inhale anymore.

His vision darkened before long and just before the sweet embrace of unconsciousness surrounded him once more, a hand fell on Keith’s shoulder and restarted his system.

Keith jerked away from the touch and let out a sound that didn’t even vaguely sound like a repetition of the word ‘no’ but he was too far out to even try to be comprehensible. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind he noted that he bumped his head and it could have been far worse for him if he had been any closer to any sharp edges but the main part of him was busy asking any divine power there was for this to please be a bad dream. That if hell existed that he was sorry for not believing in God, sorry that he had taken lives, including his own, sorry for whatever he had done to deserves this. It was too cruel. Keith didn’t want this. Everyone hated the Galra. _He_ hated the Galra. Burn him or strangle him. Anything else but this. Please, please, please, please…

Someone took a firm hold of his upper arms and unintendedly shook him enough to bump his head on the floor again. His arms bended instinctively and his hands turned into tight fists in front of his chest. So tight that his claws poked his palm.

“Keith, I need you to breathe,” Shiro told him firmly as if he hadn’t ever been avoiding Keith but Keith couldn’t think any of that. Only that he couldn’t. He was dying. He was already dead. He was purple. Please, god, if he was Galra, let him be dead too.

“Breathe! Now!” Shiro demanded again. “Breathe, Keith!”

Keith let out a sound that could be interpreted as a poor attempt of breathing if one was creative and gullible enough.

“Breathe!”

Keith let out a sob that choked him more than gave any relief but it did soften Shiro’s flamingly furious eyes slightly.

Shiro closed even more of the distance between their faces until Keith could have smelled the space goo Shiro had eaten that day on his breath if he inhaled any air.

“Calm down!” Shiro shrieked in Keith’s face in the least calming voice Keith had ever heard.

Lance’s voice cut through the room, “Yelling at him? Really good for calming anyone down!”

Shiro’s face turned and Keith could finally turn his eyes away from Shiro’s intense gaze. They instead found his hands again and he felt his heart start to pump even faster at the unchanged, purple hands.

“It’s better than him seeing all of you freaking out! I already told you about this so you wouldn’t be surprised!” Shiro retorted with no trace of trying to be mature or diplomatic.

Keith started to hear a ringing sound through his panic and his hands slackened just enough to not cut his palm anymore. A tiny drop of blood followed one of the claws out and Keith watched wide-eyed as it stopped moving when it reached the top of the fur and then disappeared somewhere in it again.

His vision started to darken again and he didn’t know anymore if the yelling by Lance and Shiro was to him or each other. All he knew was that his heart was pumping so fast that it hurt and his lungs refused to take in any air.

At last, he was released from facing what he really was and would wake up looking just as human as before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About me (and the time between chapters):  
> Yay, I'm not in the hospital!  
> One surgery Tuesday turned into one Tuesday AND one Thursday because they didn't put my jaw on straight and talk about one Friday because it was still not done completely correctly. They decided that they hadn't done a shitty enough job to do a third surgery which I was both happy and sad about. Happy because, yay, not having your face opened with a knife again, sad because I came to the hospital with a upper jaw completely in centrum of my face and left it with it not being it. I mean, it's not really that bad, but come on! Not I'm gonna be crooked for possiblely life because my braces dentist said he couldn't fix it.... :|  
> But luckily for me I'm not puking anymore! I literally puked for hours every day from Saturday to Monday which was really bad because it's hard to drink enough vitamins (since you can't eat with a broken jaw). Also, it really ruined my appitite and day. Every day... for 3 days plus all the days I had good old nausea. I've not eaten a real meal since Tuesday last week but I luckily found out I could drink cocoa through the pain of using a straw (it does hurt if anyone's wondering)  
> And I quit like half my drugs this Monday (so I only puked until noon that day since it needed to get out of my system) so now I'm running on aspirin and morphine with only slight nausea and constant pain between annoying and enough for me to take my morphine. I was well-ish today so I finished the chapter :D I hope you all liked it and I even started on the 12th chapter yesterday (because I don't do it all chronologically)  
> But still, I'm writing as fast as my jaw and just life will let me ;)
> 
> About the chapter:  
> I'm no astronaut nor a doctor. I haven't even started nursing school yet but I've tried to be medical correct in this chapter about the effects of being in space without a spacesuit as well as generally being realistic through the whole story about Keith's injuries caused by Shiro in chapter 1/2 (even if they do seem vast, but remember trauma to the back of his head to the point of his skull cracking and anoxia for several minutes where just 3 minutes without oxygen makes serious brain damage likely and after 10 minutes the patient is unlikely to recover. Of course, that is the brain entirely without oxygen but Keith's heart wasn't beating inside the pod so I seriously doubt it was before he was put in there)
> 
> Oh and this is actually the longest chapter of this whole work. The shortest chapter is the first on 2,301 words and this thing is 3,686!


	12. Shiro's Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro have trouble sleeping and Keith is miserable.

Keith turned human again as soon as he lost consciousness and it was enough to awaken the rest of the team. Coran went to the medical wing with a visual jump, brought the stretcher back with him, transported the passed out Keith onto said stretcher, and thereafter transported Keith to his room with Hunk at his side. They, as the most compassionate and soothing people of all the inhabitants in the castle, would explain Keith’s Galra heritage to him. Or at least tell him that the wasn’t hallucinating since they didn’t know a lot about it either. Keith would most likely want to know more about the general situation and what had happened for them to find out in the first place but he would not be told anything about Shiro’s attack on him for at least another 20 vargas when he had had a little time to digest being part Galra.

Truth be told, Shiro had expected Allura to want to talk to Keith immediately. That was until just a few ticks had passed and he remembered that Allura didn’t want anything to do with anything remotely Galra if it didn’t play into how to destroy them. He didn’t think Allura actually hated Keith, she just hated the thought that he had Galra blood and seeing Keith in Galra form probably didn’t help.

Restless hours passed for everyone in the castle and they didn’t stop being restless when Coran and Hunk returned late evening and told them Keith wanted some time alone. No surprise there.

Shiro was walking around the castle late that night. He had been on edge for a long time now, ever since he was taken from Kerberos in fact, and he usually trained or laid in his bed, looking up at the ceiling and tried to convince himself that counted as sleep, but this night he had decided to take a walk to calm himself down. Maybe he would be able to get some actual sleep when he got back to his room. Not very likely but he could pretend to be optimistic for a night.

He passed the lounge, he went down to the training deck, and he looked at the black lion for about half an hour. It was all calming and he didn’t meet anyone but he was still too anxious to sleep and decided that for once he would go to the control room and look up at the stars. It was a cliché but Shiro decided that it had to be helpful for it to turn into a cliché in the first place.

He was just about to walk in when he heard idle chatter and was just about to turn around and go back to looking at his bedroom ceiling when he felt how much his heart slowed down at the sound of normality. It was weird and creepy. Not to mention starting to turn into a bad and invasive habit, but he let himself sit down and enjoy the pointless conversation while he looked at nothing in front of him. That was until the conversation turned serious and the guilt weighed him down until he felt like he couldn’t have left the hallway if he wanted to.

“Do we have to replace Keith if he never gets better?” Lance asked and Shiro had to close his eyes even though he couldn’t see anything in the darkened hallway.

“I guess,” Pidge muttered so silently that Shiro barely caught any of the words.

“Can we do that?” Lance wondered.

“You mean ethically or if we have the ability to?” Pidge asked.

“I don’t-both I guess,” Lance sighed and Shiro had to stop himself from peeking into the control room.

“I don’t want to but I think it’s what Keith wants. I don’t think we really _can_ replace him and Allura said there would be no other paladins while we’re alive but…” Pidge hesitated for a moment and Shiro could almost see how her eyebrows were furrowed and how she was probably biting her bottom lip. “Lance, you do know Keith will probably try to kill himself again if we don’t find a way to fix him, right?”

There was no sound for a while and Shiro feared on Pidge’s behalf that Lance would blow up. Every one of them knew deep down what Pidge had said but Lance had been more emotional ever since Keith was placed into the pod all those weeks ago so there was really no telling how he would react.

“I wish I didn’t,” Lance confessed at last and Shiro felt relieved that someone felt like he did too. Ignorance would have been a bliss.

“Me too,” Pidge mumbled. It was clear for both Lance and Shiro to hear that even though she wanted to seem emotionless, she was upset too.

“Would you replace me?” Lance asked just as Shiro had collected himself enough to stand up and ready himself to leave the hallway considering anyone could find him eavesdropping.

“What is this about?” Pidge asked both annoyed and worried.

“Just answer me,” Lance demanded without any real fire.

“I wouldn’t want to but Allura would force us to find someone to control your lion,” Pidge explained logically.

“You’re right, it would be fair to Blue to be all alone,” Lance said and something hit the ground. It sounded too soft to be the bottom of a shoe so Shiro guessed Lance’s hand was in danger of acquiring a bruise.

At last, Lance sighed before continuing, “I just think it would be really hard to replace Keith. I doubt there’s anyone as crazy and skilled as him. I doubt there’s anyone else as good at flying, fighting and just having his weird feeling thingy he used to find Blue and just know stuff for no reason.” Lance was quiet for only half a tick. “Don’t tell him I told you that!”

“He wouldn’t believe me if I tried,” Pidge told Lance in a lighter tone but with a hint of irritation because she wished she wasn’t right about Keith not believing it.

“Yeah,” Lance exhaled.

“You would be hard to replace too,” Pidge told him in a surprisingly tender and caring voice.

“Thanks,” Lance let out another loud exhale. “I just feel like I would be so much easier to replace than everyone else.”

“If you ever say something like that again I swear I’ll kill you,” Pidge growled.

“You couldn’t take me,” Lance said even though you could hear his uncertainty as clear as day.

“Hunk would help me.”

“He wouldn’t! Hunk’s always there for me and he would never do anything against me!” Lance denied and Shiro opened his eyes wide when Lance let out a sniff.

“Hunk would kill anyone who said something like that about you,” Pidge retorted with fury blazing clear and dangerous all the way out to the hallway.

Shiro was still hiding out of sight but he could feel how intensely the two paladins were glaring at each other. It lasted for several ticks but it was finally broken and Shiro could breathe again knowing that there wouldn’t be more tension in the castle than there already were.

“Okay,” Lance relented to Pidge as soft as a breeze.

“Good,” Pidge said as if they both hadn’t said that word so many times already.

“Thank, Pidge,” Lance said with a smile in his voice.

“I _will_ kill you,” Pidge warned so firmly that Shiro felt the hairs stand up from his neck.

“I know,” Lance said just as quietly as before but a lot more serene even if there was still a hint of insecurity. Shiro finally found the strength and motivation to leave.

Pidge and Lance would sit in the control room for a while longer but he had already invaded their privacy and he was scared they would lose any lingering respect they had for him if they found out.

He arrived back into his room before long. He wasn’t completely calm but he still found himself able to fall asleep and surrounded himself in the deep darkness of sleep feeling a little lighter than when he first went to bed. Things weren’t okay. They wouldn’t be for a long time but at least he knew that he wasn’t the only one scared for what he knew and longed for peaceful ignorance for the harsh realities.

* * *

 

Shiro’s slumber lasted for a few vargas. At first, he didn’t know exactly what had woken him but then he noticed the hurried footsteps running through the corridor in front of his door and dread filled him. Not because he thought they were being attacked as an intruder would be far more stealthy but because the steps were filled with pure panic and Shiro knew only one person who could currently make such a terror run through anyone.

Shiro threw the blanket off himself and ran out of his room for the first time since he entered the castle right before he became part of Voltron, he didn’t care that he was dressed indecently for anything other than lying in bed or that only wearing a pajamas bottom would be cold.

He barely caught a glimpse of Coran’s bright, orange hair as he turned a corner but Shiro needed no guidance to know where he was going. Shiro felt it all the way into his bones as they ran through the castle and he stopped in front of the door just over two ticks after it had closed. He could open it. Allura had disabled the feature that made it possible to lock Keith’s door and even if it was on again, Coran wouldn’t have had time to lock the door. Shiro knew all this but he still felt too paralyzed to open the door between him and Keith. Just the thought of what he would find inside the room was enough to make the hair stand up on his arms and neck.

Keith had been given a device to tell the others if he needed help with anything. It was a necessity with how much time Keith wanted to spend alone all the while being unable to do almost everything without help. Shiro wasn’t even sure if there was a panic button or if there only was one for everything between just needing a glass of water or pressing the device with his last breath, but Shiro wouldn’t blame Coran for running with full speed either way. Because Keith had had it for nine, maybe ten now, days and he had never used it no matter what. The paladins needed to go up to his room every few hours to see if he needed anything. Hunk had once come back and told the others Keith literally peed for about 4 doboshes and told them again when they forgot just how long a dobosh was that Keith peed for over 5 and a half minutes.

Therefore, whatever had Keith not only calling for help but doing so in the middle of what the castle deemed night had to be serious and Shiro didn’t know if he could take seeing Keith in pain anymore. Shiro had been through hell himself. Watched people die, almost dying himself and killing when necessary. Shiro should have been tough and unbreakable at this point. As strong as he tried to seem to the others but he found himself crumbling at the thought of Keith being hurt. Again. For the second time in maybe 7 vargas.

Shiro at last found the power to open the door and stopped for a few ticks when he saw Lance standing there in his blue night robe and lion slippers. He then remembered that Lance had a room right next to Keith and felt like an idiot for forgetting even for a single second why Lance had been the one to bring Keith to breakfast each morning. Of course, Lance would have been able to hear if something happened in Keith’s room and come to check on him if it sounded worryingly enough.

Shiro’s eyes found a slumped form in the bed. Shiro almost wished he couldn’t recognize Keith anymore. Maybe it would make it hurt less but almost nothing could make him not recognize Keith anymore now that he knew how Keith looked both as a Galra and as a human. Not even the weak demeanor as he let Coran hold him up through his tremors or the dark sputum Keith had spit up in his lap and down his chin.

Shiro took a step closer and stopped again. That wasn’t from their meal it was… blood? Oh, quiznak.

Shiro’s eyes followed Keith from top to bottom and found blotchy rashes covering all of his visible skin. No one was saying anything but Keith began to shake his head and made protesting sound from deep into his through. Coran wouldn’t let go of his arm and Keith eventually stopped. Not like he decided to do it, but more like he just forgot and it scared Shiro as much as it had when he found Keith laying limp in front of the Red Lion only hours or vargas earlier.

Coran seemed calm but even he stopped for a tick when the absence of protests made way for just how much trouble Keith had breathing. It wasn’t really wheezing but it still sounded like there was something trying to strangle him from the inside.

Then for a moment, he just stopped shaking and stopped sounding like every breath was a struggle. Shiro didn’t even have time to find out if he should be relieved that some king of miracle had happened when Keith went limp and started to shake. At first, it was small movements like someone dreaming and Coran stood with wide eyes and tried to hold Keith’s left arm when the convulsions came so rapidly and strong that the arm found its way out of Coran’s grip.

“What’s wrong with him!?” Lance demanded to know. Shiro had actually forgotten that Lance was in the room too but he just accepted it and waited for Coran to give some sort of answer.

“It looks like decompression sickness,” he answered and Shiro couldn’t find it in himself to be relieved that Coran seemed to know what was wrong or just relieved that it was called the same by Alteans as Americans, because when he tried to remember what DCS exactly meant for Keith, he came to a blank.

Why hadn’t they learned anything about any Decompression Illnesses? No, Shiro had defiantly been told more than just the name by the Garrison. Probably. Maybe? Shiro suddenly wasn’t sure anymore.

Keith woke up again before they had time to maneuver him out of his bed and seeing him look at them confused and with a steady nosebleed was just as bad as seeing him slack mouthed. They both made Keith look so young and vulnerable but unconsciousness made him look sick and weak while conscious but confused about everything happening to and around him held so much pain too.

“Don’t swallow the blood,” Shiro commanded and Keith looked at him for only a second before his head fell again. It was so short that Shiro didn’t know if Keith had passed out for less than a tick or if Keith just forgot to how keep his head up.

Coran wanted to get the stretcher again but agreed with Lance who, with surprising speed that surpassed Shiro’s thoughts, pointed out just how far away the medical bay was. Given, Shiro’s thoughts were hindered at the moment but it was still impressive that Lance could think so logically so fast.

It wasn’t quite a saving grace, but Shiro was happy for Keith that he didn’t seem to be in pain as both Lance and Shiro was forced to dig a hand into one of Keith’s sides each and firmly hold his arms over their shoulders. There was no question about if it would have left bruises if they weren’t in their way to putting Keith in a cryo pod. At least his right shoulder, the one on Shiro’s side, should have hurt as it was one step away from dislocating because of the sheer panic in Shiro that stopped him from risking anything by being gentle.

It was a long way through the castle. Keith was short of breath through it all and his right leg was as limp when he was conscious as it was when he was not and Keith would switch between losing consciousness and being hit by tremors. Sometimes both at the same time. He kept drooling a mixture between spittle and blood but Shiro didn’t know if it was coming from somewhere in Keith’s mouth, lungs, or if it was from the nosebleed and how Keith seemed to forget to not swallow the blood no matter how many times Shiro and eventually Coran and Lance told him not to.

Keith didn’t even register it most of the time. He was either looking around with heartbreaking confusion, all wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows, or he was trying to fight Shiro and Lance off and seemed confused when Lance lost his grip and barely got it back before Shiro had dislocated Keith’s shoulder with his strong grip.

They had just left the elevator when Keith started protesting again with distressed sound and trying to pull his wrists out of the two other paladin’s hands. It sounded more urgent than before but both Lance and Shiro ignored it with stone hard expressions as they moved Keith as fast as they could and tried to convince their minds that it wasn’t strong-willed, impulsive and so strong and proud Keith that had been left as this frail and helpless creature they had in their care.

Only two and a half ticks passed from Keith started to protest until another convulsion hit him and it was just different enough from the others that Shiro sent him a look right as Keith let out a worryingly large amount of blood mixed with barely anything else out as he threw up onto the floor and himself.

“What the fu-,” Lance exclaimed too panicked to care about how his favorite alien word would have fit perfectly here.

“It’s from swallowing the blood,” Shiro interrupted before he ordered, “Let him down to his knees.”

Keith was let down to his knees and entirely held up by his two teammates, now only keeping him up by the arms over their shoulders, at his side as he let out the last vomit and just sat and breathed heavily for a moment.

“Coran, ready the pod,” Shiro half-asked, half-demanded. Coran just sent Keith a last look before he turned around and left them in the hallway so close but still too far away from the bay.

“Oh, Keith, buddy,” Lance breathed out with an air of pity and compassion and drew Shiro’s attention away from Coran.

Keith breathed even heavier than before and Shiro was ready to panic when he realized Keith was crying. Or as close to crying as he could in his weakened state and with no tears in sight. Just dry and feeble sobbing.

Lance shuffled so he could use his right arm to run a hand up and down Keith’s back in an attempt to comfort him and just in time too as Keith let out a small amount of blood-vomit. More of a very large blob of spittle but uncomfortable all the same.

Keith wasn’t all there at the moment. There wasn’t any way to find out if that helped Keith not reacting worse than he already was or prevented him from stopping his weak sobbing that sounded like fragile hiccups and heavy breathing.

Shiro didn’t like to admit it but he could be a very selfish man and he decided to forget about how he didn’t deserve to even look at Keith again as he told Lance, “I want to try something to calm him.”

“Oh, erm, okay,” Lance said uncertainly as he hesitantly pulled his arm back to himself again and let go of Keith’s wrist.

Shiro pulled Keith to himself and didn’t feel uncertain before he had Keith sitting in his lap with one leg on each side of Shiro and his head resting on Shiro’s left shoulder. Keith’s right arm was in his lap and his left one was over Shiro’s shoulder. Neither Keith nor Lance was doing anything to show they were opposing Shiro’s way of trying to comfort Keith but Lance was looking at him with one eyebrow lifted as high as it would go and Keith was almost entirely unresponsive.

Shiro squeezed his cheeks on the top of Keith’s head and he had to force down the sob trying to take over.

He had done this to Keith. Shiro had not only tried to kill Keith, he had destroyed him. It didn’t matter that Keith didn’t remember enough to be mad at him, he was mad enough at himself for both of them. The rest of the castle should have killed him for being a monster or at least send him away for being dangerous. It was all is fault. His fault for being foolhardy and attack what looked like a Galra when there was no way for one to sneak into the castle, much less get into a paladin’s uniform in no time. Keith ended up being in a pod for so long and he could have ended up having been there forever because of Shiro. It was Shiro’s fault that Keith wanted to end his own life, no matter how impulsive it had seemed and was completely impulsive if there was even a little part of Keith’s spirit that Shiro hadn’t already killed. That was the only reason he wanted to believe it was spontaneous as Keith planning it sounded just as frightening as spontaneously trying to kill himself, but at least an impulsive Keith was still the Keith he knew.

No matter what it was, Shiro hoped Keith wasn’t miserable enough to try again, but he couldn’t be sure and could only hope that Keith was without enough hope that anyone to find a solution to keep living for as long as it would take them.

They had to find a solution soon, because even if Zarkon never attacked again, Keith couldn’t possibly survive much more. Human or Galra, there had to be a limit to the things a body could go through in such a small amount of time before it just gave up, and Keith wasn’t allowed to ever give up even if it wasn’t Keith’s own doing that ended him.

Keith hadn’t creased his unhappy sounds and started throwing up blood again over Shiro’s shoulder. Shiro tightened his arms around Keith’s trembling body and ignored how warm the liquid felt as it slid down his back.

Keith passed out again as soon as he stopped vomiting. It took Lance and Shiro a while longer to notice that he was in fact unconscious and it took Lance even longer to remind Shiro that he would need at least 3 arms to carry an unconscious person Keith’s age in a front piggyback ride. Shiro eventually relented even though he was almost sure he could pull it off if he just leaned back and held his hands under Keith’s rump. However, Lance was far more persuasive than Shiro had ever given him credit for and made the small, unsure part of him seem so much bigger and Shiro sighed as he let go of Keith.

He and Lance took their old positions on next to Keith and walked the last distance to the medical bay where Coran was waiting with a readied cryo pod and the suit Keith would be wearing in it.

The rest of the castle woke up later that morning to Shiro, Lance and Coran taking Keith out of a pod while still being in their nightclothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've only read about most of Keith's syntoms of decompression sickness but I know the 'you throw up if you swallow blood' thing from first-hand experience and it can be a lot of blood! The sickness bags (which I'm not entirely sure is the actual name in English) in the hospital had measurements on the side so I know one of the times I puked blood, it was 300 ml of almost exclusively blood and I had already puked only blood 2 times before that (and yes, that was 100% blood as you aren't allowed to eat 6 hours before and drinking 2 hours before a surgery. I think I started throwing up at maybe 4 pm and I had eaten a little at 1 am that day and hadn't drunk anything since before 4am that day). Sadly I can't say how much since I was pretty out of it the first time and just, you know, scared about the fact that I was puking blood which is really, really uncomfortable even without the panic, and the second time I puked it was in the sink as I was in the bathroom. That was a lot but I can't tell how much exactly.  
> Point is, besides the fact that Keith's body is maybe reacting to the blood a little quickly, it is pretty accuate. 
> 
> Also, this wasn't supposed to be so much about Keith's decompression sickness. It was only meant to be a little over 1000 words about it at most, but ended up being 2602 words from Shiro wakes up until the end up the chapter.  
> Oh well, there's always next chapter for telling Keith what the quiznak is going on. 
> 
> I hope the chapter wasn't too much about selfpity, because I both wanted to include it but also hate how much there is in this.
> 
> Also, I think I'm gonna have to write a new summary for this story. It was a good symmary for the first chapter, but I feel like it doesn't really work with the story as a whole anymore :c At least I can make the current symmary the first chapter's symmary.


	13. Keith's Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith remember parts of his night which was exhausting for everyone involved but they go through with the plan of telling Keith what started this mess and Keith just wants it all to be fixed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is a really long one. I've kind of given up in limiting myself by now.

Keith had a rough night. He barely remembered anything after Lance entered his room but he remembered how his night had started.

He had woken up to an awful itch all over his body and pain in his joints. It had probably not been every joint but it had felt like it and he couldn’t say if the pain in his legs and chest came from how short he was of breath or if it was another thing wrong with him.

He had laid in his bed for a moment, trying to convince himself that it was just a dream or that he had been training too hard. He had believed neither. Mostly because he could still feel the restlessness running in circles in his body. A restlessness he knew would prevail and only disappear if he ever could exercise in some way.

Keith had tried to fight through his troubled breath but it had brought no fruit and he had given up when he had realized he couldn’t feel his right leg. Not in the way it had been for over a week where he just hadn’t had a sense of where it was but could still move it and feel pain if he hit it. No, this was complete numbness as if it wasn’t there at all.

Keith didn’t like asking for help but his heart had beaten fast and told him for every beat that he needed to ask for help. He had _tried_ to convince his heart that he could wait ‘till morning when someone would come and get him but it just beat with so much more determination and told him it had to be _now_.

Not willing to argue with one of his organs, Keith had looked around the dark room to find the device he had been given to ask for help. He had instantly wished now that he had used it even once. It would have made it much easier to remember where it was and what it looked like if he had. After having searched almost the whole room from his bed he had spotted it. The device looked like a one buttoned remote control, the kind the supervillains sometimes had had in the cartoons Keith had watched Sunday morning before various foster families had woken up when he was a kid. Except the villains’ devices had red buttons and this one was a pinkish, purplish color.

It had been all the way on the other side of the room. Which normally would have been a problem as the room was narrow enough that Keith had literally jumped from the bed to the opposite side of the room more than once, but now… Keith had simply sighed with excess air he had had as he had tried to crawl out of bed only using his arms. Keith still didn’t know if that had been the most efficient way of transporting himself but there had been no better time to try than that moment.

One arm in front of the other as he had ignored the tingling and itching. His arms had barely touched the floor before the vertigo and ringing in his ears had distracted him enough to fall to the floor with a yell.

The landing had knocked the breath out of him and Keith had laid for a moment catching his troubled breath. He hadn’t been hurt through some sort of miracle as he had tumbled out of bed and landed on his back with his head towards the bed and feet towards the wall.

Not even a tick had passed from Keith’s landing until Lance had stormed into the room in his nightgown and half a mask to exfoliate his skin.

“What the cheese?” Lance had asked in an attempt to seem humorous while getting information about what the mysterious sound had been. He had turned on the light and looked around the room until he saw Keith who had squinted up at him.

Keith had barely been able to see anything in the lit up room but Lance’s confusion and weird mixture between relief and concern would have been hard to miss.

“Are you okay?” Lance had asked and had used his sleeve to wipe his face clean from the exfoliating mask.

Keith had hesitated for a moment before deciding to be truthful and had answered, “’o”. Either Lance was getting used to Keith’s altered speech or he had just looked at the slight shake of Keith’s head.

“Want help getting up again?” Lance had asked in a friendly and nonjudgmental way but, or maybe because of that, Keith had really wanted to scoff at him. Keith hadn’t even attempted it and had instead hummed as an answer and hoped that was enough.

Luckily, it had been enough and Lance had only huffed a little when he took a hold of Keith and forgot to lift with his legs instead of his back. It would be his own fault if he got back problems one day but Keith had been surprised when Lance didn’t make any jab about Keith being heavy or lazing around all day or something else witty and slightly insulting. That was until he had noticed his easily Lance had moved him.

Able to talk or not, Keith would never tell Lance that he knew the other paladin was far from weak, but it was still concerning how little trouble he had moving someone his own age and height. Keith wasn’t stupid enough to not notice how thin his arms and legs had turned and all his hard earned muscles had been eaten away but he hadn’t noticed how bad it was before he had been lifted so his arms and head had been over Lance’s shoulder and his legs had been just swinging around.

It only took a step before Lance had been lowering Keith again but he shouldn’t even have been able to take that one step while lifting someone like that.

Lance had laid the blanket over Keith again as if he was a mother tugging her child into bed and had asked as he smoothed out the blanket over Keith’s sunken stomach, “What was you trying to get anyway?”

“’emo devie,” Keith had answered without thinking too much about how difficult he was to understand.

Lance had looked at Keith with furrowed eyebrows as he bit his lower lip. Keith had almost been able to see the gears turning in his head but Lance had admitted defeat in the end with a mournful voice, “I can’t understand you.”

“Re-mo-t,” Keith had articulated as well as possible and had looked over to the remote device on the other side of the room.  

Lance had followed his line of sight and spotted the device too. “Oh,“ he had said unintelligently and walked over to it to fetch it without having to be asked to do so.

Keith had looked at it when it was in his hand. Back in bed, it had been as if all that had been wrong with him came back even stronger and he had suddenly not known what to do with this thing.

Lance on the other hand had known and had been patient as a saint for all of three ticks before Keith had coughed and his hand had been sprayed with bloody, frothy sputum. The best kind of sputum but Lance had obviously not thought so as he had pressed the button with three hard and rapid pushes before he had taken a painfully firm hold of Keith arm and forced him to sit up as he kept coughing.

“What did you do?” Lance had asked. Keith had wanted to be offended that Lance had assumed Keith had done something but he hadn’t had the energy to do so.

“Did you poison yourself?” Lance had kept asking with wet anger. Keith hadn’t been looking at him and had barely registered anything other than his coughing and the tremors that had started to take over but he had still been painfully aware of the tears in Lance’s voice.

It could have been hours or even just seconds but Keith’s world had turned into nothing more than the tremors and various liquid falling from his mouth and nose. There had been moments of something close to clarity such as when Lance had yelled Coran’s name and Keith had fallen like a puppet getting its strings cut before Coran had taken Lance’s spot to keep Keith sitting upright.

Someone more had arrived at some point and there had been some yelling before and while Keith had been moved through the hallway. He only knew that from the flashes he got of being restrained as he tried to throw up and when he had been held against something warm and comforting as he had let out more of the dark liquid.

And then he had woken up inside the pod and had seen Coran, Lance and Shiro in their nightclothes and the three other residents of the castle had stood near the door in their everyday clothes.

It had been a really long night that Keith barely remembered.

___

After that night, Keith had expected to be too exhausted to do anything. He really was tired but that clearly didn’t count for anything in the light of being told what the quiznak had happened that had ended with him turning dependent on others to do everything from making sure he didn’t die to taking him to the bathroom every few hours.

Hunk was carrying Keith to the lounge like a princess after breakfast. Keith really wished he could be like Lance who would probably find the best in the situation and either _enjoy_ being carried or make something fun out of it by being overdramatic. That sounded like fun to do but sadly, that just wasn’t him and instead he just found the whole ordeal very embarrassing.

He was put down on the end of the gray couch with a cup of water in his hand and just about every pillow in the castle in his back. Pidge and Lance was already sitting in the middle of the couch, or Lance was bodily present but so deep in dreamland that Keith didn’t really count him in. His head literally fell down into Hunk’s lap as soon as Hunk sat down between him and Pidge. Lance gave a single snore before his breath evened out into a deep but not overly loud volume. Keith didn’t really blame Lance. If anything, it was Keith’s fault since he was the reason Lance was so tired.

It was actually really nice sitting with the three of them and he didn’t feel too helpless despite being helped just as much by the pillows as if it had been a person.

That being said, he was really bored waiting for the rest of the team to arrive. Keith had time to eat all the food he could force down his own throat, and that took time with his lack of coordination, so whatever everyone else was doing after they had finished breakfast couldn’t take much longer.

Hunk and Pidge giggled almost 10 minutes after they had arrived to the lounge, a sound Keith had never thought he would hear a man or Pidge make, and stopped glaring at the ceiling in the light of finding out his curiosity about what they found so amusing.

For a moment, he didn’t get it. Lance was still sleeping peacefully with his head pillowed on one of Hunk’s legs but then Keith saw Pidge’s evil grin and knew there would be something good happening.

Hunk was putting pretty hair elastics and decorations in Lance’s hair, both the ones intended for hair as well as the ones not intended for it, and Pidge was finger painting Lance’s face.

Keith found it an amusing sight but still furrowed his eyebrows in confusion until he saw the glances both Pidge and Hunk sent his way. It warmed him all the way to his fingertips that, yes they enjoyed this, but they did it to entertain him.

He sent them a small, almost nonexistent, and closemouthed smile and they both beamed back at him before going back to making Lance look ridiculous. Lance wasn’t a scary guy and Keith had no fear about irritating or angering him. He knew Lance was a good shot but even when Lance had his bayard on him, Keith doubted Lance intended to use it to go one teammate down, but he hoped especially Pidge knew what she and Hunk were doing. Lance took his skincare very seriously and would probably not appreciate being painted with anything. Especially with something that looked like oil and very hard to clean off and not just smear all over himself.

Pidge made precise movements and Keith felt the excitement stirring in him. He hoped he would see the finished product before Lance woke up.

“Pidge,” Hunk hissed and Keith felt something spike up in him at the scolding voice. Hunk was really a lovable guy but Keith knew that he could get angry too. “Can’t you do something better? We’re in space.”

“Oh, it should be space-themed?” Pidge asked innocently but still with an evil glint in her eyes.

“Yes,” Hunk answered as if Pidge was an idiot but Pidge just smirked back at him and Keith fought his way up from where he had glided down the pillows full of fear that he would accidentally grunt loud enough or kick Lance enough to wake him. He was finally able to sit higher and looked down at Lance who was now the canvas two stars and many alien genitalia. Or really it was just regular genitals but with antennas.

“Better?” Pidge asked.

“Perfect,” Hunk said and nodded his head with closed eyes in approval.

It started as a snigger but grew into a full laugh that Hunk and Pidge joined in on it. He had almost forgotten he was capable of laughter and it felt so freeing to just open his mouth and let joy come out of it.

“What-what’s happening,” Lance slurred as he woke up and first narrowed his eyes at Hunk and Pidge but then looked at Keith laughing and widened his eyes in surprise and then relaxed them as his mouth fell into a smile.

The moment was ruined by the rest of the team arriving. Keith wanted to be able to go back to be careless for just another second but he knew there was no going back after seeing Shiro’s anxious face and Allura pointedly looking away from him. At least Coran seemed more or less himself and the mice only looked at him curiously from Allura’s shoulders.

The explanation took a long time. Far longer than it needed to be but the words made no sense to Keith. They muddled together into a big mess and he didn’t believe that the tangled information he did get was true. Because Shiro was his friend, his brother. Shiro was kind and fair and Keith trusted him. Shiro did have a temper and Keith suspected his was more unpredictable after what he had been through as a gladiator but Shiro would _never_ hurt him.

He looked at each team member with hopeful eyes. Begging them to say no to his silent question about this being true. He wanted them to say that it was just a misunderstanding or that a sick joke. A sick, insanely insensitive joke only a sociopath could have made up and a psychopath could carry out. 

Keith looked up at Shiro and was met with guilt-ridden eyes but no jokes or laughter. Keith would have personally preferred Shiro being a psychopathic sociopath that enjoyed cruel jokes to the knowledge that Shiro had crippled him in an attempt to kill him.

Keith looked at Shiro only for a moment as he waited for some sort of explanation but Shiro only tightened his lips and the edges of his eyebrows became even more downturned. The hope died out and left Keith’s face blank and unreadable. He didn’t know if the knotted feeling of dread and sorrow or if the prickly feeling in his arms and legs of anger was dominating but they both weighted him down more than he wished to be.

“He didn’t do it without reason,” Allura said unexpectedly both just her talking directly to Keith and her choice of words. Keith looked at her in the hope that she would continue explaining but she avoided looking at him when he had turned his gaze on her.

“I saw a Galra and I panicked,” Shiro explained with so much sorrow and regret that Keith would have jumped to the opportunity to cheer him up if it had been any other situation. Still, it did soften the blow a little bit and Keith could almost understand. He still didn’t understand how Shiro could have not recognized him as Keith assumed he still looked like himself when purple. He didn’t know for sure as he had only seen his transformed hands once.

Another factor for his confusion was that him being anything else than human hadn’t properly hit him yet. For him it had been only a short moment, seconds really, he had known he was something different from humans when he woke up the day before and Coran and Hunk told him what little they knew about his DNA and that he could ask them questions if he wanted to. It was a sweet thought, but the words ‘you’re part Galra’ still hadn’t sunken in after now and it sure hadn’t when he had barely regained consciousness the day before.

What did you do when you were told something like this? What did you do when you saw into the eyes of your teammates and saw fear for and of you? When it was clear that they wanted to be unaffected but they were just as affected as you were? No, they were more. Keith still hadn’t digested even a third of the information and they understood it far better than him. Maybe befuddlement was the price for being the one affected or maybe the price was the comprehension his team had that one of their own was something horrible.

It was clear to him that the information hurt all of them but it was just as clear that Allura was disgusted with him and the rest was uncertain about what to feel about something Keith had no control over.

What did you do?

What Keith did was simple. He ignored it and decided to focus on something that he hoped could be fixed.

“Fi’ ‘m,” Keith commanded as firmly as possible. Which wasn’t nearly as intimidating as he wished but it really didn’t matter if they would just listen to him.

“I’m not sure how we can fix you,” Pidge said in a voice just as young as she really was under all her usual bravery and pride.

A stone fell into Keith’s stomach but he just swallowed some spit, took a deep breath and spoke once more. “Fi’ so’one who ca’.”

Pidge pressed her lips together and her eyebrows furrowed in a display of helplessness but what really spoke to Keith was her unguarded eyes.

She was scared and sad, no devastated, and Keith hated himself for being the cause of it but he had to be strong and demand this. If they wanted him to stay, then he needed to be fixed as fast as possible. Both for his team, who couldn’t protect him if they needed to fight, and for himself. He could feel himself dying bit by bit every day and he didn’t know how much more he had to give before he became entirely hollow.

His body was alive and overlooking his ever-thinning frame, it was as well or bad as it had been since he woke up from cryo sleep. But his mind? His mind was slipping through the cracks and it was only a question of time before he either couldn’t take it anymore and bit his tongue or drowned himself in the toilet. There was no pride nor glory in such a death but his pride died down over a week ago. Maybe his mind would be strong enough in its weakness and simply let him not wake up. Cows did it, horses did it, probably other animals too so why not humans or Galras?

Coran whispered something to Allura so quietly that it was something close to a miracle that Keith had caught any sound from the man.

“No,” Allura whispered back at double the volume but still so quietly that Keith mostly caught the word through lip-reading than actually hearing anything.

“Do you have an ideas?” Shiro asked Coran in a formal voice. A clear sign of how uncomfortable he really was.

Coran sent Allura a look and she sighed and gave a nod.

“One of the freed planets, Jedremi, was known for their healing talents 10 000 years ago,” he explained. Keith didn’t know if he was more happy about the chance to be hopeful or mad about Coran not remembering this 11 days ago, or more like remembering this when he was put in the pod however long ago that was.

“That would solve everything,” Pidge stated but still sounded unsure. Keith didn’t blame her, he was unsure about this too as there seemed to be a ‘but’ lingering in the air.

“However,” there it was, “it’s not ideal for healing head injuries,” Coran continued.

“They will try to heal everything they deem wrong with Keith,” Allura added before anyone could ask any more questions.

“What does that mean?” Hunk asked wide-eyed.

Allura gave him a calm and collected look. “Personalities are just how your brain is put together and memories. There will be no guaranty that the Jedrics can distinguish that and the injuries Keith has obtained.”

“But they’re on team Voltron and you can bet your teludav that they will do their best,” Coran added with forced cheerfulness.

“Allies or not, they know nothing about any of our anatomies and you said so yourself that _if_ they succeed in healing him, they would cure _everything_ ,” Lance argued before deflating. “It would be like he is dead.”

“I don’t think we should do it either,” Hunk agreed and received a thankful look from Lance but it just irked Keith. Just because he couldn’t go anywhere without help, just because he didn’t talk much and the things he did say was difficult to understand, and just because he looked helpless didn’t mean that he didn’t have a say in what happened to him. He understood that they had had to decide for him in the weeks he was in the cryo pod and even if they had chosen something he wouldn’t have wanted he would have understood because they couldn’t have asked him, but now they were talking about it, about him, right in front of him and even think to include him. They had clearly had these kind of conversations about him before even if it hadn’t been as official as it was now and didn’t seem to even thinking of including Keith in the discussion about _his_ life. He was their friend, yes, and he knew that it would affect them if he changed, but it was _his_ decision.

“We must think of the best for Keith and Voltron,” Allura said softly as an out of character attempt to not infuriate anyone further. “Keith won’t survive in battle as he is right now.”

“Wouldn’t you just like it to have a stranger in Keith’s body so you can train someone new?”

“Lance,” Allura raised her voice. “Do not try to bring it up a-“

She was interrupted and everyone’s eyes landed on the cup Keith had thrown a short distance but with enough force to make it jump across the floor.

Keith waited the second it took before everyone in almost complete sync stared at him instead of the cup. “Esh my ‘hoice,” Keith informed everyone so firmly that even if they didn’t understand his words, they would know that he was furious with them.

Everyone was silent for a moment. Either in amazement that Keith voluntarily spoke an entire sentence for the third time that day or because they were ashamed. Keith saw a bit of both and hoped they were all a lot more ashamed than amazed.

Shiro took a deep breath and a step towards where Keith was sitting. “What do you want to do then, Keith? Should we go through with it?”

Keith stared at the man in front of him with a glare that told him just how stupid a question that was without Keith having to say it out loud. Still, he chose to open his mouth instead of giving a simple nod or shake of his head. One, he was very clumsy with his movements and he didn’t need to fall out of the couch and make everyone think he was even more helpless than they already did, and two, they needed to understand that he understood the question and was sure of his decision.

“I wa-sh,” Keith said carefully and barely stopped himself from cringing at how badly it sounded despite his effort to sound comprehensible. “To ’o eh.”

Keith didn’t think anyone in the room actually understood the words he was trying to say but the message was clear to at least Hunk who asked, “Are you sure that you want to do it? There’s so many things that could go wrong. We need someone instinctual on the team so if they change that then-“

Keith threw a leg over the edge of the couch and tramped in the ground as hard and loudly as he could but it wasn’t enough to stop Hunk’s rambling so he moved his leg back to the couch and used it to throw Lance’s discarded jacket after Hunk. It barely brushed him but the sight of it was enough to stop Hunk in his monologue about Keith turning thoughtful and getting a filter to stop him from instantly charging into danger.

“Eh wa-sh to ‘o eh!” Keith repeated less careful of his words but made sure to use the same ones so everyone knew that he was repeating himself.

“Are you sure?” Hunk asked.

“Yesh!” Keith yelled back and threw his clenched fists down on either side of himself and fell out of the couch because of the momentum and because one fists flew far over the edge.

He landed on his stomach and got most of his breath punched out of him but still tried to scramble himself up again as soon as he landed. To his great frustration, it didn’t work. His arms and legs neither wanted to do as he wanted them to do as two pairs of limbs nor what he wanted of each limb individually.

Trying to get up somehow ended with him on his back looking up with narrowed eyes as they all looked at him with pity except Shiro who looked guilty enough to be someone who had executed all the children in a kindergarten in cold blood.

Lance extended his hand towards Keith as he rose from his seat and stood at the end of Keith’s feet. “Let me help you.”

Keith just huffed and doubled his efforts to do it himself which ironically enough was both an attempt to keep his pride and the cause of it taking even more damage as he completely lost all of the little coordination he had left.

“Please?” Lance asked and Keith sent Lance a dirty look before huffing again and pretended that he was only accepting help because Lance looked pathetic when he thanked Keith and looking so naked and vulnerable. The beads and wires falling over his face like ribbons from his hair and the drawing all over his face would make a good argument for why Keith found him pathetic looking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, the song "When He Sees Me" from Waitress inspired the part where Keith's like, "fix me" and "find someone else who can then". Which makes no sense since the song is about a girl who's worried about meeting men and Keith's really frustrated about his diability and being the cause of others' misery. Maybe it was just the general despair in her voice that did it for me?
> 
> Also, I named the planet before naming the people and I was so tempted to call them Jedies when I looked back at the planet name. I didn't do it, but it's important for everyone to know just how lame I really am.  
> I also hate myself and wrote over 1000 words in past perfect even though I kind of hate that tense when used in 2 or more sentences in a row.
> 
> Sorry I deleted and posted the chapter again. I really need to check the date before posting and I won't lie, I do enjoy comments, kudos and bookmarks and having 'Adrenaline' on the first page when searching for Voltron (as long as it lasts before it get pushed down by other stories) does help people noticing and therefore doing those nice things.


	14. Shiro's Findings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Jedrics are a special kind of people. Helpful but terrifying and Shiro just want to shelter the whole team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Started out as a one shot, now we're here (And I guess ChristineBH from mid March was right, there was at least 2 more chapters after chapter 3)

Keith not knowing and Keith knowing what had happened was two completely different people. It had taken Keith a while but the truth eventually bled through and he showed more emotions than he had in a long time. Keith showing emotions was usually a good thing but when that emotion was hostility toward oneself, it made it a mixed experience.

Almost everyone was in the dining room when Shiro arrived. He did a quick headcount and came one person short but didn’t realize who right away. Not that they needed him to remember them. The only one who needed such a thing was Keith and he was already sitting next to Hunk and looked up when he heard footsteps. The look of light curiosity grew colder when he saw it was Shiro.

“Keith I-“ Shiro started. Dinnertime was far from the best timing for apologies but Keith was hardly seen by anyone in the castle when it wasn’t time to eat and Shiro decided to use his courage when it poked its head out.

Keith turned his head and closed his eyes. It reminded him of when a cat would actively ignore someone but instead of being funny, it just tightened Shiro’s chest and forced him to stop talking because of the fear that the ball of emotions in his throat would show itself to everyone.

Hunk gave Shiro a look. It wasn’t really unkind but far from a welcoming sight. Hunk then turned to look at Keith and let his features melt into something more sympathetic.

“Do you want to eat somewhere else?” Hunk asked and Keith opened his eyes and turned his head just enough to look at Hunk in the corner of his eye and gave a small, almost non-existing, nod.

Shiro wanted to stop them from leaving. Telling them that he would stop talking or even that he could leave so Keith and Hunk didn’t have to but Shiro found himself both mute and unable to move from his spot on the floor until Keith and Hunk was long gone. He couldn’t even say anything when Pidge arrived to the table and asked where Hunk and Keith was.

* * *

“Allura can heal a whole sentient planet but not a person and we’re trusting aliens who’s never even seen a human before?” Hunk asked right after Coran and Allura had told them they were heading towards Jedremi since it would be midmorning for the people they had saved. Technically they could have landed on the planet any time they wanted to but it was easier to go to the people who already knew of them and kinder to wait the few vargas it took for it to be morning on the planet. Allura and Coran had left shortly after to make a wormhole and fly the castle to the planet on the other side of the wormhole.

“We don’t really have another choice,” Pidge answered quietly.

“We’ve barely met these people before, how do we know they won’t try something funky?”

To be fair, under normal circumstances, Shiro would probably have been backing Hunk up. Both because letting a stranger do something unknown to a friend was an alarming concept in itself to Shiro but also because of the fact that under Hunk’s usual suspiciousness of strangers he had an impeccable ability to see if people had alternative intentions.

However, Pidge was right in that they didn’t have another choice. Besides, Keith had expressed his willingness to try and he was right when he said it was his choice. Even if Keith had the self–preservation of a mouse infected with Toxoplasma gondii. They would just have to be cautious but open to the aliens.

A couple of doboshes passed and they all felt the castle move through a wormhole and the castle started to move through Jedremi’s atmosphere, when questions started to plaque Shiro.

Should they tell the Jedrics about Keith’s heritage? It would be a risky move considering the image the Galra must have for all captured or ex-captured planets but at the same time, it would be risky not saying anything since they didn’t know the differences between humans and Galras and didn’t know how much Keith was of each. Not that Shiro suspected the Jedrics to know a lot about Galra anatomy.

Logically Keith should be half/half with how difficult other hybrids from Earth had reproducing, but Keith didn’t look Galra at all. At least not most of the time.

“Should we tell them that Keith is Galra?” Hunk voiced Shiro’s worries.

“Maybe? I don’t know?” Lance looked around at the others. “What do you think?”

Shiro was about to tell them about the pros and cons when Keith huffed loudly and Shiro turned his head and was met with a venomous glare from the corner of the room on the left of the door where Keith was standing stiffly so he wouldn’t lose his fragile balance. Right, it was Keith’s life. Keith, who was awake. And angry.

“Do you want-“ Shiro started before stopping himself. Of course, Keith didn’t want to and a ‘no’ could indicate both just that and that he thought it was a bad idea. “ _Can_ we tell them?” he asked instead.

“’o,” Keith answered and moved his arms in a way that indicated that he was trying to cross them but was unsuccessful. It would have been easier if Keith let off the glaring for 2 seconds to look down at what he was doing but Keith just gave up instead and Shiro decided to act as if he had forgotten or not seen the attempt.

“Okay.” Shiro nodded at himself. He suddenly regretted letting Keith have any say, as horrible as that sounded, but he would let Keith have the last say. For now at least. If it became unsafe for his health, he would tell them about Keith or get Keith away from the Jedrics no matter what. It was hard but Shiro knew he could live with Keith hating him for the rest of their lives but he wouldn’t be able to live with Keith dead or hurt worse than he already was.

* * *

"But the red lion would do something if they tried anything, right?" Hunk asked only moments after Keith had declined telling the Jedrics about him.  

"Of course she would, buddy, where have you been? Everyone knows she has some weird obsession with Keith," Lance laughed with an empty voice no one commented on.

"But she didn't save him from Shiro," Hunk pointed out and an icy silence fell over all the paladins. Everyone turned their eyes to Shiro who did his best to seem invisible.

Allura came back to tell them that they would be flying into the atmosphere shortly and probably to check that everyone was ready by the entrance to the outside. Usually they would all be in the control room together since it took about as long for Allura and Coran to walk from the control room as it did for everyone else, so there was no need to separate. However, moving Keith around took time and Shiro was glad that Allura had some decency when it was about Keith and didn’t suggest they just left him by the door like some discarded or momentarily forgotten toy.

“Allura!” Lance called as soon as he saw her.

Allura sighed in a familiar tired way. It almost felt normal and Shiro could almost see a situation where Lance would have flirted with her.

“Why didn’t the red lion stop Shiro?” Shiro felt his eyebrows rise but doubted anyone else would have seen his surprise even if they looked at him. Lance really was bold and didn’t waste any time at all.

Allura blinked twice in bafflement and had to ask, “What are you talking about?”

“When Shiro attacked him in the hangar,” Shiro barely stopped himself from wincing and he wished there was a way to describe the incident that didn’t awoke the guilt anew in him. “Red just stood where Keith had left her when we cleaned off all the blood.”

Oh god, he had almost forgotten about all the blood. Shiro could throw up but still glanced at Keith and saw his eyes were wide and focused on Lance and Allura.

Shiro looked back at Allura and saw her lifted her head up a little straighter and widen her eyes for a short moment. “The lions can’t attack the other paladins,” she said in a way that made it hard to figure out if she was being condescending or just stating a formerly unknown fact.

“What?” Pidge asked. “Is that why Zarkon could destroy Altea? Because there was some weird thing stopping the other paladins from stopping him.”

Allura’s eyes grew cold as she turned them to Pidge who tensed her shoulders in stubborn refusal of admitting she was being insensitive despite having realized it herself. “It was what stopped Zarkon from doing that before.”

Coran came down the hall with his usual energetic way. “What are you doing here talking like Muldoks on Nunvill?” It was hard but Shiro was almost sure he sensed some irritation from Coran that Allura hadn’t walked back the control room in a timely manner.

“Sorry Coran,” Allura apologized. “The paladins realized the lions can’t attack the other paladins.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about that,” Coran tried to reassure. The tone was great but there had to be some substance to calm anyone down.

“Don’t worry about it? Coran, someone has already been hurt because of this,” Pidge hissed and gestured to Keith who had sat himself down in his corner and looked like he wanted to be just about anywhere else.

“We didn’t think anyone would have attacked their teammates. At least we had hoped no one would,” Allura sent Shiro a tired look and for the first time since they found out Keith was part Galra, she seemed troubled by what Shiro had done. He had wanted Allura to act as before she knew about Keith being Galra but he hadn’t thought it would have made him feel this bad.

“We could still have used this information before,” Shiro murmured. Not because he thought it would have changed a lot but it was important information that could be crucial in the future and maybe it could have done something in the past too. Not very likely but maybe.  

“We’re landing on Jedremi in a few ticks,” Allura snapped like a tired, underpaid teenager that was forced to look after her troublesome siblings.

Pidge stopped Allura from leaving with a hand on her arm but it wasn’t an angry gesture and Allura looked cautious but curious at Pidge’s changed demeanor.

"So that's why he didn't think it was Keith. Red didn't try to do anything so Shiro didn’t think it could have been him," Pidge said in a relieved voice. Shiro gave her a side eye. Did she _want_ to find a reason for Shiro's actions? Did she want to forgive Shiro? Even just the thought was enough to almost shake Shiro out of his external calm.

Pidge looked back at him and he wanted to nod his head. That would have been nice but as nice as the lie would have been and as much as Shiro wished he had a better excuse than ‘I didn't think about all the signs as soon as I saw a Galra’, he couldn't lie about this. Pidge deflated when Shiro firmly shook his head and Shiro didn't know if he should be happy that he didn't know if she was disappointed in him or herself for getting her hopes up. Both options sounded painful.

Shiro sent Keith a look and wasn't surprised to see Keith pointedly looking away from him with resignation and a hint of resentment.

* * *

 

The memory of Planet Jedremi had faded in all the paladins’ minds. They were usually saving planets and people on a monthly basis and sometimes there was several planets in only a few weeks’ time. They had been saving far less lately but all the previous rescues still muddled into a giant mess in everyone’s minds.

Well, it was that and the fact that they barely even saw the people of Jedremi before they had to go because one thing was certain; the Jedrics was a memorable people. Not so much what they did, just their whole energy. They moved with almost ethereal grace and beauty and there truly was a supernatural feeling about their slightly glowing, light blue skin. Their thin frames should have made them look fragile but they seemed bigger than the whole universe when it was combined with how tall they were and the tight feeling Shiro got in his gut when he was near them.

They were both captivating and terrifying. Shiro both felt drawn to them and wanted to get far away from them. One thing was certain though; the thought of leaving anyone alone with them was enough to want to shelter everyone Shiro knew for eternity. Especially when the one being left behind had already caused so much concern and anxious thoughts around himself.  

A Jedric walked towards Shiro and as he looked up, he decided that they were just intimidating. Suddenly their big, intelligent eyes seemed more like a stereotypical alien, except blue instead of green, than a beautiful creature.

“Welcome,” the alien said and Shiro wondered if there was something wrong with his helmet’s translator or if this creature’s voice was really than booming.

“We come to ask for your help,” Allura said as she took a step in front of the paladins. She didn’t seem surprised by the booming voice so either his translator was broken or she had talked to them before. Both was just as plausible as the other was.

The Jedric didn’t come with an answer and somehow the silence seemed even more booming than any words. Shiro looked further down at the other Jedric who all stood tall and strong. They all looked exactly like the one next to them and Shiro wouldn’t have been surprised if they in fact didn’t reproduce but just fell down from the sky like fallen angels. Not the romanticized kind of angels from renaissance paintings and storybooks that looked like humans with wigs but instead the some of the actual biblical kind that had to start every meeting with a human by saying, ‘Do not be afraid.’

“What help do you require?” the Jedric asked and Shiro started to hear the static of his abused helmet.

“We’ve heard of how good healers your ancestors was, so we’ve come for you to ask for you to heal one of our injured Paladins,” Allura stated. There was an odd overly formal tone to her, more than there usually was when she was talking to allies, but it was expected when all the Jedrics seemed overly formal too and even just their presence screamed for one to be polite beyond believe.

“I see,” the Jedric said and titled its head enough for Shiro to notice but little enough that he was impressed with himself for noticing anything. “Can we see your injured one?”

“Of course,” Allura perked up but was still too proper to be anything close to perky.

Keith walked with his right arm around Lance and his left one around Hunk while he looked down at his feet so he could walk without accidentally kicking himself or giving himself a sprain by stepping wrong. Lance’s height was ideal for such help as he was only slightly taller than Keith but Hunk was half a foot taller and made the arrangement very uneven. It would have been far better if Keith could have been leaning on two others with a more similar height, be it two much taller like Hunk or someone of similar height to Keith like Lance. Okay, technically someone shorter would work too but only Pidge was shorter than Keith was and there was no way she could support Keith alone and taller individuals tended to be stronger so it was better to find someone taller by default. Best bet would have been Shiro paired with either Hunk or Lance as he was somewhere in the middle of those two height wise but just seeing Keith was cutting into his flesh and he didn’t dare finding out how it would feel to touch him. Especially when Keith was conscious and knew what Shiro had done. Keith now knew just _how_ deplorable Shiro really was.

Shiro found himself unable to stifle the urge to say something to Keith and found himself whispering an apology to Keith when he was half a step in front of him. Keith stopped in his tracks and almost fell, as neither Hunk nor Lance was ready for a sudden stop.

Keith got them all to awkwardly turn around so he could face Shiro. Keith didn’t seem to care that they had important allies waiting for him and just looked intensely at Lance as he pulled his wrist out of Lance’s grip so he could remove his arm from Lance’s shoulder.

After that, he faced Shiro again and for once Shiro couldn’t read the fire in Keith’s eyes. At least there was a fire as his suicide attempt had ironically woken him to life again but it was alarming for Shiro to look into Keith’s eyes and not be able to read him. It had happened constantly in the start of their friendship but that had been years ago and only because Keith hadn’t let him see anything close to emotions for months but here he was displaying _something_ that Shiro couldn’t read. There was no fear that  Shiro could see, which was actually more concerning than anything else in Shiro’s eyes as Keith should have been trying to hide himself far away from his attacker, but there was anger in Keith’s intense glare, probably disappointment, but there was so much more in Keith’s eyes that Shiro simply couldn’t decipher.

Keith look a step forward with Hunk trying his best to stabilize him but Keith barely seemed to notice as all his focus was on Shiro.

Shiro knew he should have been expecting it if he was honest with himself and it far from hurt enough physical to warrant his stunned reaction but he still took a step back with widened eyes and a hand on his cheek when Keith hit him with his whole unstable bodyweight. It was not so much the pain that got to Shiro as it was the sight of Keith’s anger and how he fell as soon as he had thrown the punch.

Shiro didn’t even get to properly react before Hunk had pulled Keith up again and Lance was under Keith’s right arm again and they were walking to the Jedrics again.

The Jedric in the front looked down at Keith and even next to Hunk and Lance, who should have looked the exact same height as Keith when so close to the light blue creature, Keith seemed impossibly smaller than everyone else.

The Jedric welcomed Keith and put a hand on Keith’s head. It was so big that it covered his head all the way from just above Keith’s forehead and to the base of his skull. Shiro felt his muscles tense as he watched the interaction like a hawk just in case the Jedric was about to crush Keith’s skull. It had no reason to do so but Shiro couldn’t stop the anxiety from spreading from his stomach and to the rest of his body. It made his arms tingly and his legs so light that he felt like he could have jumped the distance between him and three of his teammates.

Shiro didn’t catch the Jedric’s next words but it didn’t take a genius to find out when Hunk and Lance reluctantly let go of Keith and let him be taken to the large group of Jedrics by the tall, blue thing while they walked back to the rest of the team.

That was bad enough in itself but then Keith looked back at the rest of them with huge, begging eyes. Keith looked at _everyone_ with that look at Shiro stubbornly bit his lip so no one would know how choked up he was that Keith wanted help. He wanted someone, anyone, even Shiro, to safe him from these scary things and Shiro wanted to so much. More than anything else in the Universe but he couldn’t.

He could just watch as Keith kept his eyes on everyone from the castle until he was lost in the sea of Jedrics.

* * *

 

“Are any of your translators acting weird too?” Pidge asked as when they all had arrived back in the castle so they could wait for Keith without disturbing the Jedrics who apparently needed huge distances of nothing but dirt and their own people to collect the energy to heal Keith.

“I thought it was just mine,” Hunk told Pidge and Lance came with a surprised and breathless, “Me too!”

Shiro widened his eyes as it dawned on him that that voice had either been that booming or had actually broken their equipment. Who the quiznak had they left Keith with?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've read the Bible's description of angels and seen someone draw some of the more horrifying angels like they're described in the Bible and I can tell you I would be scarred for life if I saw one of those. I mean, Gabriel and all the angels that just look like handsome men with no wings would be fine I guess but I would shit my pants if I met something with 6 wings and covered with eyes all around, even under his wings.  
> Or meeting the angel David met that apparantly had a face like a lightning bolt, eyes like flaming torches of fire, arms and legs that gleam like polished chrome, and a voice like that of thunder.  
> Like hot damn, if we go to Heaven when we die (at least I don't hope I end up in hell) I hope I won't be terrified by angels every day.
> 
> Also, Keith gives no shits anymore. He can and he will hit you even if it's in front of another race and if he hurts himself more than you.
> 
> I have the next chapter pretty much written but my dad has just in with his girlfriend (and I of course helped move his and her things) and my brother and are moving away from home (if you can call it that when neither of our parents live with us anymore?) this month, so real life is busy, busy, busy. It seems like it's never not, but just so people know why it took me almost two weeks to update when I try to update every week.
> 
> I realized it has been exactly 4 months today since I posted the first chapter of this (from 2017-03-05 to 2017-07-05), so happy 4 month-day to Adrenaline from your creator! You make her proud.


	15. Keith's Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith gets Jedristic healed and has flashes from his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being shorter than the last 4 chapters but you guys did get an update 2 days ago! (even if the last chapter took a while to arrive)
> 
> July 27th, the last part had been written in the time between chapter 15 and 16 being posted but I had waited to add it on here until chapter 16 was done and then I forgot to do it yesterday.

Keith looked up at the Jedrics and almost regretted not instantly forgiving Shiro even though he hadn’t understood what everyone had been telling him. He still didn’t understand but he knew that could really use Shiro’s calming presence as he looked at the tall people and felt more than a child than ever before. He had not even felt this young as an actual child.

The Jedric in the front moved a long arm and Keith wished he had his bayard on him. Not that he could have done much damage. In addition to that, it would really compromise both the alliance and their willingness to help him but it was his safety blanket in a world of war and constant decisions.

Keith had Hunk and Lance right next to him and under his arms but they were both too anxious to be the least bit calming.

The arm moved even closer and both Hunk and Lance seemed to have to remind themselves multiple times that they could neither let Keith go nor take him with them as they can far away from this elvish looking creature. The long fingered hand attached to the arm ended up on Keith’s head. He didn’t know if it was meant as reassuring or to use some of their weird powers to examine him. Either way it made him uneasy and he wished Hunk and Lance would take him back to the castle. He didn’t think he would ever have suicidal tendencies but he had thought he wouldn’t fear for his life if he ever got it.

Space had been one of the most physically painful things he could remember and he remembered regretting putting himself in that situation but at least he had known what was happening. Or he had thought he did until he was allegedly saved by Red and woke up to the others’ panic and anger.

However, this-this thing seemed godly in all senses of the word. All the Jedrics looked too pure for anyone to look directly at but deserving of admiration, but at the same time they seemed powerful enough to kill him with a single look or wave of their hand.

Keith’s eyes followed the arm up from the bottom of the wrist, the highest place of the arm he could see with the hand on top of his head, and to the shoulder where he found out the skin disappeared under light blue clothing. Being this close to a Jedric, it was clear to Keith what was and wasn’t skin but he still tensed in surprise when he saw that they weren’t actually necessarily light blue, but instead glowing it in an even light. Maybe he was unobservant but Keith had never been patient enough to dwell on details like that for too long.

“Welcome,” the Jedric said. Or at least Keith thought it was. His helmet had kept making scratching noises every time someone spoke almost from the moment he put it on just before they exited the castle.

Maybe it was impolite to not even try to answer but Keith didn’t feel guilty about simply nodding his head the slightest bit. Both because he was in awe about the glow and because he was nauseated with the ominous feeling in his gut that kept growing for every second.

“Come with me,” the Jedric suggested or demanded. The blood in Keith’s ears was flowing too loudly for him to properly hear his own thoughts.

Keith really didn’t want to and if he had been asked he would have said no and left but he accepted his fate when Hunk and Lance removed his arms from their shoulders. The Jedric in front of him caught his arm before he fell over in an attempt to look back at Hunk and Lance as they walked back to the others backwards so they could keep an eye on Keith and the Jedric.

He wanted to reach an arm out and try to catch one of them before they were out of his reach but it was unwise. That and he was frozen until he could see they were out of his reach. Maybe he could walk a step or two without falling, he had no way of knowing, but he doubted he could take more than that without falling. He knew he should trust the Jedrics but he couldn’t help not wanting to show weakness to them. A lost cause when they were visiting them because of _his_ injuries but Keith had never claimed to be logical to anyone when he wasn’t having a fight with Lance.

Lance and Hunk arrived back to the others and it hit Keith that he had to leave with the Jedrics alone. He was independent, he had survived alone in the desert for months and had been alone a lot both during and before the Garrison but he didn’t want to do this alone.

Keith looked at his teammates, his family, and only halfhearted tried to hide how desperate he was before he gave up and decided he didn’t care anymore if he was being pitiful. He didn’t care about anything anymore if it meant he wasn’t being left alone.

They all came with faults of course. Lance came with stupid jokes, Hunk honestly confused Keith with how lovable but suspicious of others he could be, Pidge could cut deep into people with her words whether intentionally or not, Allura disliked him for how he was born and Coran was not much better with how he silently supported Allura no matter what she did, and Shiro…

Shiro was both the worst and the best person Keith knew. He was the reason for all the bad things happening to Keith but he was also the one Keith secretly hoped would save him. His eyes fell on Shiro for just a moment before it tried to connect with someone else and Keith remembered how Shiro had been the reason for Keith holding it together in the Garrison and the reason for all the things that had really hurt. He had almost done something impulsive and stupid the first time he had met Commander Iverson and only Shiro’s phantom words had kept Keith from doing something deserving of getting a stern warning at best and a one way ticket out at worst. At the same time, Keith had cried the first time he had crashed the simulator because he had thought Shiro would have been disappointed in him. He was just a small kid Shiro had been stuck with as a roommate since the Garrison wanted to fill the rooms as much as possible and Shiro’s roommate dropped out when his mother got sick. Or something like that. Keith hadn’t understood or cared back then but he could relate better now when he found his family far away from the Garrison.

Keith almost fell and the alien took a hold of Keith’s other arm and stirred him towards the big group of Jedrics like a parent maybe would have but with no comfort nor hurry all the while Keith kept his eyes in the direction of the others. He kept looking after them until the sight of them was long gone and replaced by the chest of the Jedrics surrounding him.

It felt like betrayal that no one had even tried to help him. The logical part of him told him that it was only because they knew better, that this was Keith’s last hope so they had to, but it didn’t dim the pain in his gut and tight feeling in his throat.

Keith didn’t know exactly who was holding him up. Both because all the Jedrics looked so similar but also because the hands seemed to constantly switch in a terrifying dance that was meant as helpful and it was the only thing stopping Keith from falling down but stirred Keith’s uneasiness more than anything else.

Keith was brought to a cave full of colorful crystals but with a door and furniture that made it look like a normal house. A normal house with a stretcher or an altar depending on how Keith was supposed to understand the use of the crystals closest to the bed.

“Lay down,” a Jedric said with its booming voice as the Jedric loomed in the door opening. Maybe it was the one Keith and Allura had been talking to, maybe not. It didn’t really matter since they all seemed very united.

Keith laid down on the stretcher-altar without any complains and secretly prayed that they weren’t going to sacrifice him to some kind of Jedristic god.

More Jedrics came into the room and Keith only knew that the door was closed by the noise of it clicking into place.

“Relax, paladin,” a voice said and either Keith’s ears was starting to ring or it was his helmet dying and it made relaxing even harder to relax than it already was.

“We’re going to remove your helmet and start the procedure,” Keith was told. His heart started to pound harder and faster at the words. They seemed menacing and Keith was unsure what was meant with procedure but didn’t have time to react in the second it took from them telling him to them taking his helmet off.

“I do’ wa’ to,” Keith hurried out as soon as he could see everyone around him again. “I wa’ to go hom’”

The same Jedric that told him to relax spoke again. Keith didn’t understand anything that was said without his translator and the voice seemed to fill the room even more. It sounded as he imagined a god’s voice sounded as it called upon an earthquake to a part of the world. Loud and powerful enough to fill everything everywhere.

Hands from at least three different Jedrics took a hold of his wrists and ankles. Two Jedrics held his wrists respectively and one or two was holding his ankles. The Jedric that held his left wrist took a hold of his chin when he kept shaking his head. They understood as little of what he said as he did what they did but he thought his thoughts on this situation was quite clear.

The palm of the hand on his chin was actually just on his chin but the Jedric had such long fingers that its thumb was next to one eye and the rest of the fingers next to the other one. It did its job of keeping Keith’s head still but it made him feel terribly fragile and his breath sped up for every moment he had the Jedrics’ hands on him.

They finally realized something was up and started an incomprehensible conversation right in front of him. Their voices lowered as they spoke to one another but the echo from their voices was just as loud as before.

The hand on his chin let go and Keith felt himself become calmer even though he was still aware of the other hands making sure he couldn’t move his arms or legs.

However, it was a short-lived as he soon saw another Jedrics push through the crowd and to the head of the bed Keith was laying on.

He started to shake his head again and kept repeating what was supposed to sound like a repetition of the word ‘no’ but sounded more like a distressed wolf as it bled together through Keith’s speech impediment and panic.

One hand landed top of his head and the other one on his chin. He could feel how the fingers met despite surrounding the circumference of his face. He knew the Jedrics were huge but he suddenly realized just _how_ big they were. He must have looked like a small child to them with hands half as big as theirs and he was probably above half of their heights but it didn’t feel like it. He was so small and completely at their mercy.

The Jedric holding Keith’s face said something probably meant as reassuring or at least informative but it only woke confusion and discomfort right before the Jedric moved the hand on top of Keith’s head to over his eyes. Keith couldn’t see anything but the world seemed to spin around faster and faster but at the same time like it was happening in slow motion. It could be compared to the spinning Keith had felt on occasion while falling asleep after a long and tiresome day but at the same time completely different. It spun more and he felt fragile.

The hand moved back to its original spot and Keith looked up at everyone around him and felt both his panicked mind and how at ease his body was in a weird mix of serenity and chaos. He was almost sure he would die before long and regret ever considering putting a foot on this planet but it was too late now. He could only breathe a little deeper and hope for the best.

He felt dizzy and became slightly nauseous. He opened his mouth but he had no idea if he actually said anything before it all went dark and he got flashes of past events of his life. Separately they would have made sense to him but together it was all a jumped mess.

_“I’m Takashi Shirogane but you can call me Shiro,” a tall teenage boy introduced himself as when Keith entered his room at Galaxy Garrison._

_Keith was running through the fields in front of the group home. His stocky, toddler legs couldn’t keep up with the bigger kids’ but he was as happy as any toddler._

_“Keith,” the child across from the teen answered curtly._

_“I’m scared,” one of the other foster children whispered to Keith as they both hid under the bed a foster home or two after Keith stopped counting._

_“My last roommate dropped out. It looks like you’re my new one.”_

_“Dinner!” one of the older girls yelled out the window._

_“Yeah,” Keith mumbled uninterested._

_“He can’t get us here,” Keith whispered back and hoped the girl was still innocent enough to believe it._

_“Not much of a talker, huh?” Shiro asked._

_“Come on, Keith!” a boy a few years older than Keith yelled as the rest of the kids ran past him towards the group home’s dining hall._

_“I was shy when I was little too,” Shiro continued when the silence had lingered for several seconds._

_A foot came into Keith’s field of vision and unintendedly stepped on the hand Keith’s foster sister had laid just out of their foster father’s field of vision._

_“We’re going to be great friends,” Shiro said as he patted Keith on the head unintendedly patronizing but Keith couldn’t be too angry at someone who smiled so brightly but also guiltily when Keith scowled._

_Keith muffled the girl’s yelp with his hand and kicked her farther under the bed._

_Keith could barely see anything over the tall grass and flowers but he kept running as if his life depended on it but with a never wavering smile._

_“Trying to avoid punishment?” the man asked as he took a hold of Keith’s arm and pulled him out from under the bed._

_“Can I tell you a secret?” Keith asked as he and Shiro laid in their respectable beds months after they had met._

_“Come on, Keith,” one of the older girls hurried as she took his hand and together they could run the distance much faster than Keith could have alone._

_“Of course,” Shiro answered and turned to his other side so he was facing Keith._

_“I’m sorry,” Keith whispered with a wavering voice. He hoped his foster sister would stay hidden and quiet until the punishment had been given. She was only 2 years younger than he was but he still felt protective of the 5-year-old._

_“You’re the best thing about this place,” Keith whispered and felt his cheeks warm in the darkened room._

_Keith laughed when the teenage girl scoped him up. He knew he would miss this girl after she finished high school later that year or if he would get adopted or fostered by someone before then.  
_

_“You’re the best thing too,” Shiro said with a smile so obvious that Keith could feel the warmth of it radiating all the way from across the room._

Keith woke up with a start and had no idea what was happening for a second. He was breathing heavily. Not quite hyperventilating but it was a close thing.

His face was squished into a man’s, or at least a flat chested alien’s, chest. It was warm and Keith was worried he might have had drooled a bit on the clothes on where the side of his mouth laid.

A voice said something. The words were unfamiliar and Keith didn’t know if humans were capable of creating such words. The voice was impossibly deep and seemed to spread everywhere in the world and Keith’s head. His head was aching but he didn’t know how much was the strange voice and how much was what had happened to him before he woke up.

Then he remembered why this had happened and took a deep breath before he closed his still open mouth in preparation for talking.

“Did it work?” Keith asked and answered his own question with just his ability to talk. He didn’t sound how he did before. He had a noticeable lisp and he was still slurring his speech but he could still feel the joy filling his whole being and did so even more when he remembered he could very well be even better when he had had time to properly wake up.

* * *

Keith was laid back unto the stretcher-altar and must have laid there for what must have been at least a dobosh when the door opened up and Keith weakly turned his head and saw his team come in one after another. A weak and tired smile found its way to his lips at the sight of his friends.

 “Hi,” Keith said as loudly as he could but it was softer than a whisper. The others couldn’t possibly have heard him but Lance lifted his hand and let it down again as the shortest wave ever sent Keith’s way. Pidge sent a flash of a greeting smile that was more a rogue muscle pulling on her lips nervously but Keith appreciated it all the same.

“Hi, Keith,” Hunk said in a hushed voice as he and the others walked towards Keith. He was slightly disappointed that it was only them and Shiro who seemed to think he was invisible just because he stood in the doorway but he didn’t let it show and focused his energy on the ones who came and wanted to talk to him.

Besides, it felt crowded even with just the three of them looking down at Keith. He didn’t risk any of them leaving by showing any discomfort but he still doubted he would have been able to handle any more people in the room with him.  

“Are you okay?” Pidge asked and Keith turned his eyes and lazy smile towards her. He probably looked like he was flying far away, and he would be mentally flying until the magic or whatever the Jedrics had used to render him unconscious and alter his brain were out of his system, but Pidge held no mockery or even amusement on his behalf. Just worry and unsure relief.

“Yeah,” Keith breathed out as quietly as before.

“You _talked_!” Lance exclaimed in surprise. Keith’s winched and his body did a sad attempt of protecting itself with his shoulders up as far as they would go and elbows and knees bending halfway to the rest of his body.

Keith had thought the Jedric had already left but he was proved wrong when the Jedric started to say something in an even more booming voice than before. It was probably scolding Lance but it only make Keith’s head throb. He was one raised word away from asking Pidge to decapitate him with her bayard when the voice finally quieted down into nothing.

The rest of the visit was quieter and Keith kept falling asleep only to wake up again but no one seemed to mind and he ended up letting himself drift off with the others’ comforting presences and only woke when they tried to leave.

He only registered what they were going to do because Hunk and Lance lingered long enough to awaken a scolding irritation in Pidge.

“Coran and Allura said we should just let him sleep and get him in the morning,” Pidge said in a hushed tone and Keith could practically hear the eye roll from having to repeat something despite them all being present when they had been told right before visiting Keith.

Keith opened his eyes when he heard a footstep walking away from him. He felt small and helpless as he watched. He could have said something, the others probably wouldn’t mind too much, but they had already done so much and it felt selfish and childish to want them to stay with him

Pidge felt his eyes on her, or maybe she just wanted a last look at him before leaving, and saw his eyes on them.

“Just go to sleep again,” she whispered and caught the others’ attention.

“We didn’t mean to wake you,” Hunk whispered regretfully. “You can just sleep again and we will get you when you have slept for a few hours. Is that okay?”

No, it was not okay. The Jedrics had been helpful and hadn’t done anything wrong but he felt uneasy with how big and supernaturally graceful they were. He probably would have felt nervous no matter who he was left with when he felt as he did, but being left with the Jedrics seemed almost as bad as being left with Zarkon himself.  

Keith wanted to tell them so much and had momentarily forgotten that he could so he kept quiet and hoped they would somehow notice his distress.

“Can’t we just take him with us?” Lance asked with wide eyes and a voice that sounded apathetic but somehow still told Keith that he cared a lot about the answer.

“I don’t know…” Hunk said and left the rest of his sentence to linger in the air.

“Here or on the ship, what does it matter?” Lance asked rhetorically. “It’s not like they can do anything more for him.”

“I still don’t-“ Hunk protested.

”Let’s take him,” Pidge interrupted just loud enough to make Keith wince. “I don’t care what Shiro or _Allura_ ,” she contorted the name into something ugly with just her tone alone, “has to say about anything.”

Keith looked at the door opening and saw no one lingering. A feeling that could both have been relief and disappointment bloomed deep inside of him but was ignored as soon as the others turned their eyes on him and saw his distressed look.

“We’re going back to the castle,” Pidge informed him with no promise nor dismissal of an invite to come with them. Keith turned his gaze from the door opening to the three others with no way of them reading his feelings either.

He wasn’t mad. Just scared and a little hurt that they wanted to just leave him in the hands of strangers for longer than necessary.

“You can come with us,” Lance suggested. He got a firm look from Hunk suggesting it without caring about Hunk’s fear of doing something wrong but Lance simply gave an almost inaudible huff in response.

Keith waited for a long time considering that he already had an answer before he had been asked but he didn’t waste a long time before giving a single, curt nod with a small scowl and eyebrows somewhere in the middle of furrowing and relaxing.

Getting out of the room was harder than getting to the castle. At first, Keith had tried to walk himself and only tolerating the others looking at him anxiously but he was still weak in his whole body and too high to feel a lot of his body. It felt like his feet were asleep, maybe they were, but he didn’t want to wait and try to wake them.

The fourth time he almost fell, which came right after the second time he actually fell, he let Hunk and Lance support him in the same way that they had done when exiting the castle but Keith was even more uncoordinated than before being healed and eventually agreed to having Hunk carry him one last time. Keith’s pride was gone and he wasn’t taking any chances of letting them leave him to get Coran’s stretcher.

About a third of the weight inside Keith’s chest left him the moment they reached the castle, and the weight was halved when Keith was separated from the outside by a heavy gate. The weight didn’t disappear before Keith was laid on his bed inside the castle and he didn’t miss the others when they left him alone in his room. Instead he closed his eyes and let himself dream himself far away while his body and mind got some rest and the high left him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashbacks are supposed to happen at once so it is meant to be confusing for at least Keith but I tried to make it a little less for anyone reading, but tell me if it's still too confusing and I'll see if I can do anything about it. I don't personally think it looks that great if I underline the flashes happening in the middle of the lines but I'll do it if people are confused and I can't figure out a better way to seperate the flashes.


	16. Shiro's Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's really sorry and uses Keith's improved speech to apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it has taken forever. My father, my brother and then me has moved to 3 different places from the house we shared so I've been really busy. This is far from the chapter I'm proudest off (not that I'm _really_ proud of anything I write since I'm my own worse critic) but it's something and 99% of it is pre-moving away from home.
> 
> July 27th, I totally forgot that I had written a bit more to chapter 15 but had waited to add it on here until I had written chapter 16. So it's there now. I You can read it but you won't not understand future events if you don't.

Life in the castle was different from before. Many things were far better for Keith and everyone else despite the others having to get used to not making sure Keith ate and was lead to the bathroom every few hours.

Keith was better, far better. The lisp didn’t disappear and it would take some getting used to. Someone like Keith had always seemed to invulnerable. Sure, Shiro had seen him as just a kid when they met, and still did a lot of the time, but Keith had still seemed strong and independent at all times. The lisp made him seem so young and it was so wrong coming from someone like Keith.

Keith didn’t talk much the days after the visit to Jedremi. Maybe it was a habit by now, maybe he felt insecure about his new but lesser speech impediment. Keith seemed to switch between forgetting it was there and stopping midsentence if he had difficulty pronouncing a word, so there was no telling what the exact cause was. Shiro knew he was a hypocrite because he didn’t talk much either but it was always easier to find fault in others and much easier to pretend away one’s own faults.

Shiro was pondering about this as he was sitting and eating in the dining hall on the 4th day of Keith being healed.

“Hey, where’s Keith?” Lance asked and Shiro didn’t even try to act like he hadn’t noticed Keith’s absent.

The meal had barely started but they couldn’t help wanting to know where he was at all times. Just in case. In case Keith fell and couldn’t get up. In case that the healing backfired and had side effects no one had noticed before. In case that Keith wanted to give up again and there needed to be someone to stop him.

Lance’s question was answered when Keith stumbled through the door. Graceful, agile and confident Keith who now looked like an unsure toddler who was old enough to walk but was still in danger of falling at every step.  

“Sorry, I’m late” Keith mumbled and avoided everyone’s eyes. He was impossibly better than before but still sounded slightly off and it left a sour taste in Shiro’s mouth.

“Is your feet still taking a rest again?” Coran asked and Shiro looked up sharply at him. What was that supposed to mean? Keith walked awkwardly but that was just because he hadn’t walked in a long time now and he was weak and malnourished. There was nothing more wrong with him. There couldn’t be anything wrong with him.

“They never stopped sleeping,” Keith said slightly louder than before but still nowhere near the normal noise level as he sat down at the first empty seat he could find.

“There’s nothing wrong with your circulatory system, number 4,” Coran said with a mixture of concern and curiosity that was just shy of morbid fascination.

“I know,” Keith muttered quieter again and looked at all the eyes on him.

Coran took a deep breath and moved his lip comically but no one was laughing but they were watching Coran and Keith interact as if it was another reality show back on Earth. Even Shiro who was mentally rebuking himself to look away.

“I think we’ll just have to wait and see,” Coran informed Keith, and the whole room, dejectedly.

“Okay,” Keith more mouthed than actually said and gave a single nod. He looked like an ordinary preteen being told to do his homework for his most hated class. It was something Keith had expected but still unpleasant to hear.  

“We can run some more tests?” Coran suggested but sounded far more unsure of himself that Shiro had thought he could the first long while he had known the man.

“ _No!_ ” Keith declined in a loud and sharp tone. He looked surprised about the amount of noise that had left his mouth and repeated the word much softer, “No.”

* * *

 

Keith didn’t want to talk. He barely wanted to listen anymore but the reason didn’t matter. Okay, it did matter a great deal to Shiro but he wasn’t about to demand that Keith had to tell him. What he was demanding was that Keith would listen to him. The guilt had eaten him alive for so long and he needed to explain himself to Keith. Keith could choose not to forgive him. Fine, it would eat Shiro alive but it couldn’t be much worse than how he was feeling already.

“If you’re going to talk to me, at least have the decency to look me in the eye,” Keith grumbled when he was stopped by Shiro a short distance away from his bedroom door.

“I thought you hated me,” Shiro said while he was still looking away from Keith, painfully aware of how childish he sounded.

“So? Refusing to have human decency won’t make me like you any better,” Keith answered and then widened his eyes, not in surprise but to have a better look at Shiro as he heatedly asked, “Or do you think you don’t have to show any _human_ decency in my company?”

Shiro finally looked at Keith. It was cross and rebuking and it would have awoken far more feelings in Shiro if Keith’s words hadn’t already cut Shiro’s heart like a blunt knife. Painful from how much power was put into each stab.  

“You are human,” Shiro said even with the knowledge that he had waited too long to answer.

“Funny you should say that after how you reacted to me before,” Keith deadpanned his sass.

“I’m sorry okay?” Shiro cried. “I made a mistake!”

“A mistake?” Keith asked with furious and furrowed eyebrows. “Is that what you call ruining my life?”

“Yes,” Shiro whispered suddenly more unsure of himself and he felt younger than he had in a long time. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt like this while being scolded and he knew he had never been scolded by Keith before. Being yelled at by Keith? Many times, especially in the beginning of them knowing each other. But scolded? Never, until now.

“Do you remember when I told you I could forgive you for anything?” Keith said in a softer but just as serious voice that awoke Shiro curiosity but also dread as he knew where this was going but hoped that he was wrong. “I said it was because if you did anything too terrible to forgive you wouldn’t be the you that I know.”

Shiro nodded as he accepted his fate.

“I don’t know you anymore,” Keith said and didn’t try to hide how much it hurt him to say it.

“Will you ever forgive me?” Shiro asked even though a big part of him didn’t want an answer.

“I-I don’t know,” Keith sighed and Shiro took a deep breath and accepted the uncertainty. There was nothing more to do. Keith was almost as driven by duty as Shiro was despite what people would say when they saw how impulsive he was but Shiro knew that Keith wouldn’t let his emotions dictate him in battle if he was told a logical plan. Shiro would still be the leader but he didn’t know if he would ever become any of the paladins’ friend again.

A silence grew between them and Shiro decided that he would ignore how Keith tried to close himself off from Shiro and just ask everything he needed to ask while Keith wasn’t running away.

“Do you want to forgive me?” Shiro asked and cringed internally because of how awkward he sounded. For once, he gave himself some slack since it was the most painful question of them all. Keith was often driven by emotions when he worked as an individual instead of someone in a group but he could think and strategies just as well if not better than the average person and will went a long way to alter emotions one way or another.

Keith thought for a moment and Shiro would have thought he was just buying himself time if Shiro hadn’t known Keith as well as he did.

“I don’t know, Shiro,” he decided on with a slight lisp at Shiro’s name that hurt just a little more than the words themselves.

A silence stretched between them as Keith looked pointedly away from Shiro and Shiro looked at Keith with eyes longing for anything to do or say to make it just a little bit better.

“I wish we could have fixed you before,” Shiro said quietly and his eyes kept flacking between each of the cold eyes staring at the floor when Keith finally looked up at him again.  

“I’m not fixed,” Keith answered back relentlessly. He had been so happy about being able to walk and talk but it didn’t seem to stop him from spreading a thick layer of guilt over Shiro at any opportunity he had.

“I know,” Shiro said and had to stop for a short moment when he felt how his voice wanted to break. “I know it, Keith, but nothing I do is good enough. I’ve tried so hard, the whole team has, but nothing will make this okay again and I know that!” There was real anger in his voice and he didn’t even know himself if he was really angry at Keith for pointed out something so obvious or if the guilt had just simmered for so long that he needed to feel something else.

“I will do better to heal as you want me to the next time you attack me,” Keith said emotionless. Only someone who knew him would recognize just how much sarcasm was put into that sentence and it just made it so much worse that Shiro was probably the only one besides Keith who could spot it so flawlessly.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that!” Shiro bit out. He felt like a cornered dog. He wanted to get away from the hurt but he couldn’t so he snapped and lashed out. The words weren’t harsh but the way he spoke them was.

Keith looked Shiro dead in the eyes and lifted his head just the slightest bit as a challenge. “Are you really going to discipline me for being difficult, Takashi?”

Just hearing Keith use his given name would have been enough to make Shiro surrender but Shiro didn’t stand a chance when it was paired with the rest of Keith’s question.

“No,” he breathed out as if the word had been slapped out of him. Shiro didn’t understand how this could be one of the hardest things Shiro had ever done conversation all the while it was a paradise compared to before since Keith being able to argue with him had seemed impossible before. Seeing Keith struggling with the simplest tasks had hurt more than Shiro had imagined seeing anyone helpless could have but as much as Keith made a point of saying he didn’t know him, Keith did know exactly how to cut into Shiro with a single word that forced him to relive that hurt all over again.

“Shiro, just shut up, I have a probable irreversible lisp. I have so little going for me and now I can’t even say ‘s’. Have you any idea of how many ‘s’s there are in a sentence. I’ve probably said 12 just now!” Shiro counted it as lucky that Keith hadn’t… Who was Shiro kidding? Of course, Keith had noticed but at the very least he didn’t feel like rubbing all the letters he was lisping such as ‘w’. Less used than ‘s’ but still relatively common in the English language.

“You have a lot going for you,” Shiro said as soothingly as possible even though this felt like an impasse “and the whole team loves you. You know that everyone in this castle loves you.” Shiro kept his eyes intensely on Keith until he got an answer.

“I know,” Keith mumbled. Good, he knew that as much of a scum Shiro was and as much as he knew Keith didn’t like him one bit anymore, Shiro still loved him.

“And according to several sources on Earth you’re what the girls deem as handsome,” Shiro said and tried to not seem too awkward about calling someone he saw as family handsome. Especially with how much he had tried to word it as little awkwardly as possible but it had only made him sound like an alien studying human life.

“No!” Keith scolded with a raised voice. “I’m _cute_. I still look like a man, thank quiznaking God for that, but I know that I’ve always been cute and now I can really never become anything else.”

Shiro, as a straight man, wasn’t an expert of exactly what deemed a boy ‘cute’ over ‘handsome’ but as someone who has been a child at one point he knew the struggle of being called cute when he had wanted to be mature and handsome. However, Shiro wasn’t even going to argue with Keith over this. Both because what he was going to say was already making him awkward and because Keith wouldn’t believe him if he just said it. Keith needed someone to convince him about most things, not just tell him.

“I’m sure most people don’t mind your speech. They would probably find it-“ Shiro barely caught himself before he said the c-word but judging from Keith narrowing eyes he wasn’t subtle enough in swallowing the word. “Attractive,” Shiro settled on. Yeah, that that was good.

“Attractive…” Keith repeated.

“Yeah.” Shiro was suddenly less sure about all of this. Keith never made comforting him easy but it usually wasn’t this hard. “I didn’t know you cared for attracting anyone.” Shiro stated but Keith caught the underlying question in it.

“I don’t,” Keith said with a completely straight and emotionless face. “I just want to scare everyone I fight.”

After a statement like that, Shiro would at the very least have given Keith an amused smile if they had been on better terms but as it was he could only nod knowingly.

“You can still intimidate anyone you want to,” Shiro told him as if he was the most backwards motivational speaker the Universe had ever seen.

“Who’s ever going to fear someone with a lisp and who can barely walk by himself?” Keith asked and the anger in his eyes stunned Shiro who found himself suddenly fearing someone just like that. Feared that someone so much that he didn’t even dare to voice it.

“Coran said you could learn everything again after some rehabilitation,” Shiro said in what others would view as a confident voice but one he knew Keith could probably see through.

“He said _almost_ everything if I’m lucky and good luck asking Zarkon to hold back on the killing and taking planets until I’m ready again.”

Shiro was really too young to feel this old but then again wasn’t they all too young for all this?

Keith scoffed and asked, “Want to do something for me?” his tone of voice didn’t sound inviting at all but Shiro still found himself nodding. “Go find someone who cares and leave me alone.”

Shiro didn’t have an answer for that and just looked at Keith stagger away towards his room. Keith looked graceful compared to how he had been the first day after returning to the castle more than just half-asleep but he still looked like someone who had just gotten prosthetics and kept staggering side to side and had to use his hands to push himself away when he got too close to a wall. Keith put on a brave face but even he couldn’t hide how difficult everything was for him. But this was Keith and Shiro had no doubt that he would adapt and improve greatly even if, and Shiro hoped to everything that wouldn’t be the case, he wouldn’t reach his former agility and strength.

Still, Shiro knew Keith would have a much easier time becoming an Olympian in a day than Shiro would have finding someone who cared about his apologies. The closest thing to anyone caring was Allura. She was still vigilant around him but believed that Shiro’s actions was justified by Keith being part Galra. It was needless to say that Shiro didn’t share that belief and found it difficult to tell her or hear anything any of her thoughts about that day.

* * *

 

Shiro gave Keith a day to cool off and himself a day to get the courage to talk to Keith again. If he met himself as a preteen, he was sure that he would have been told that fearing talking to someone younger than himself was just stupid, but preteen him didn’t know anything. He had practically known no pain and had lacked any knowledge about difficult situations just like Shiro didn’t know what he should do now. There was rarely one correct answer after someone left middle school but this was too complicated and emotional for anyone to figure out which crossroad was the right one to take.

“I won’t ask you to forgive me but-“ Shiro said when he caught Keith again. This time it was in the training room where Shiro had been hiding away from the whole castle with the excuse of exercising until Keith arrived too.

“You’ve been trying to apologize more times than I want to remember, you clearly want me to forgive you,” Keith snorted and crossed his arms in a way that looked more like trying to secretly hug oneself than showing defiance.

Shiro’s lips fell into a thin line as he in- and exhaled deeply. “Okay, I do. I do, but I’ll stop if you will just hear me out once, okay?” Shiro asked and felt like he was literally putting his heart in front of Keith and just waiting for him to cut it in half with his bayard when in reality it was only figuratively.

“I can’t really run away from you,” Keith mumbled and looked away from Shiro. “But I don’t think you can say anything to justify attacking someone for no reason.”

“I thought I was protecting you,” Shiro defended himself. “I saw a Galra in your uniform and I panicked because I thought something had happened to you.”

“The only thing that happened to me was you,” Keith spat as he squinted his furious eyes towards Shiro and uncrossed his arms so his hands could be curled into fists at his sides.  

“I know,” Shiro said once again. He felt like it would be easier to just get those two words tattooed in his forehead. “I’m not denying it, but I didn’t know I was attacking _you_.” Shiro stood breathless for a moment, as he felt conflicted between defending himself and letting it go since Keith didn’t obviously didn’t want to hear another word from him.

“Even if I did forgive you, how do I know you won’t just do something like this again? This Galra thing, it’s also new to me and I can’t trust you if I have to be ready for the moment I change and you’ll attack me.”

“I know now and-“ Shiro looked away shamefully as he said his next words. It felt like he was trying to accuse the other paladins of horrific acts even though Shiro knew no one thought he meant it like that. “How do you know one of the others won’t be tricked by Haggar and attack one of us? Or that someone will decide to leave Voltron to be reunited with their families?” He didn’t mean to hint at Pidge with the last example but it still left him feeling even worse about himself.

Keith was quiet and Shiro carefully turned to face him again. “I understand if you will never trust me again or if you want me to leave. Say the word and I’ll try to find a way to give Black a new paladin.”

“I don’t want you to die,” Keith mumbled and despite sounding unsure about it, it still took some of the weight of Shiro’s shoulders. Not wanting someone to die wasn’t exactly the greatest compliment known to mankind, Shiro didn’t wish death on anyone he knew from Earth whether he liked them or not, but it was a silver lining. At least Keith didn’t hate him enough to wish for him to die and he knew Keith wouldn’t not say it if he honestly wished for someone’s death. At least the old one wouldn’t and he had to trust that Keith’s basic personality traits was still the same along with his facial expressions and use of voice.

“But, Keith, please let your feelings decide on this because there will always be too many reasons to decide one thing or another,” Shiro continued as if Keith hadn’t admitted to anything.

“You just don’t want me to find any more reasons to not forgive you,” Keith accused.

“Yes,” Shiro agreed when he realized there was no use of lying to Keith nor himself. “But I don’t want you to say you forgive me only because it’s convenient for the team and then find out later that you didn’t mean it.”

Keith looked thoughtfully to his left and Shiro could almost see his words going through Keith’s head.

“It won’t be the same,” Keith warned.

“I know,” Shiro sighed.

“Stop saying that,” Keith sneered. “You don’t know anything. “

“Okay.”

“I’ll think about it,” Keith settled on and for once sounded both sincere and without any fury.

“Okay,” Shiro repeated and tried not to show how hopeful his heart was beating in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it isn't too cold to tell someone, "I'll forgive you for everything because if you did anything horrible you wouldn't be who I know" and imply that you would straight up refuse to know the person if they did something truely horrible, because that's literally what I tell my dad sometimes. For no reason really because him and I don't do things like apologize for the things we do and say "I forgive you". If he does something that pisses me off or makes me really sad he just asks for a hug and if I accept it then I forgive him and if not (which is pretty often because give a girl a minute to get over the hurt/anger) then I just avoid him for a while and then either accepts it if I'm asked for another hug or initiate talking to him and then it's fine.  
> But I don't know since I would probably cry if someone said some of the things we say to each other in my immediate family because my family's humor is very harsh and male chauvinistic. Like my dad's girlfriend looked like she was ready to break up with my dad and maybe take me far away from my family the first time she heard us quote a Danish TV-serie called "Kun En Pige" (Just a girl). We quoted where the father asked some of his friends what a couple of misdeliveries are when you get the right package at last (he had 2 daughters and had finally gotten a baby boy)


	17. Keith's Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith deals with emotional problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Award for weirdest update schedule goes to - 
> 
> ME!! :P 
> 
> Warning: There's a lot of silences in this! Like a lot! 
> 
> But I promise that this is the last time I'll mention the added part to chapter 15, so there's that.

“Are you okay, Shiro?” Keith asked. Shiro’s breath hitched when he heard Keith calling him by his preferred name but quickly collected himself.

This time it had been Keith finding Shiro in the hallway right in front of the elevator. Keith had been on his way to the training room to do some of the exercises Coran had showed him in the hopes that he would either get some of the feeling back from his knees to his feet or find a way to work around it. It was all guesswork and Keith knew even before he had been shown the exercises that it was more directed towards working around the handicap than trying to fix it.

“I thought you were still mad at me,” Shiro simply stated. Keith guessed that it was both because Shiro wanted to change the subject as far away from his mental state as possible and because he was wondering if Keith had forgiven him.

“I am, but are you okay?” Keith asked and looked genuinely curious and possibly concerned.

“Yes,” Shiro answered and lifted his eyebrows as if he wondered why Keith was even having this conversation with him.

“Are you sure?” Keith pressed on. Shiro’s answer was such an obvious lie that even a stranger would have seen though.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Shiro sighed.

“Are you sure, Shiro?” Keith repeated slower and somehow that was all it took for Shiro to break. Keith was surprised with the amount of agony that overtook Shiro’s features but he did his best to disguise it and hoped that he did a well enough job to fool at least Shiro who seemed too preoccupied with his own pain to notice much else.

“You’re not,” Keith answered himself and Shiro nodded again as he finally admitted it to Keith.

Shiro took a step towards Keith and reached his arms out towards him out of old habits. Keith didn’t notice that he had tensed up until Shiro stopped abruptly. There was a tense silence between them that was only broken when Keith deliberately relaxed his shoulders. Shiro moved once again but only closed the distance between them completely when Keith looked away from him resigned but doing his best to show nonverbally that he was allowing Shiro to close his arms around him.

Keith didn’t hug, or the original pre brain damage Keith didn’t, but he had liked every hug they had had since the second one Shiro ever gave him back on Earth and besides the ones where Keith had been too distraught by various things, he had always hugged back immediately or close to it. This time however he didn’t hug back but he didn’t pull away either. He just stood and let Shiro hold him as tightly as he wanted to and didn’t comment on the wet feeling when Shiro buried his face in Keith’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro choked out. It was far from eloquent but Keith accepted it. This pure and simple feeling was much easier to accept than when Shiro had given him a whole speech.

Keith didn’t understand himself anymore. He didn’t remember Shiro attacking him. The closest he has to that is what the others have told him and his fear for Shiro’s metal arm. Keith didn’t even notice the fear for the arm that often. Sometimes he tensed or flinched when he caught a glimpse but that was it.

The anger he felt was confusing enough in itself without his brotherly love getting in the way. Because he hated Shiro, or at least there had been something close to that, when he had understood the others’ retellings of that day, but he also loved him. More than Keith had thought he would love anyone back when he had been just another kid in the system moving from home to home with interchangeable guardians and various amounts of “siblings” who Keith never saw after he or they moved away again.

It hurt seeing someone he loved be so devastated. It hurt not being able to trust them and it hurt even more knowing that his distrust was causing Shiro even more pain. If he could talk to his feelings, he would tell them to get a grip and choose one side or another and leave him alone without any conflicting feelings.

Keith did his best to hide the whirlwind of emotions raging inside of him. He simply let Shiro hold him for far longer than he had ever let anyone hold him before and Keith would need a shower when Shiro would finally let go, or at least change into a shirt that didn’t carry tears and snort so it was only his hair that was gross, but Keith didn’t comment on that either. He was as silent as a rock and as indifferent as one too.

“I’m so sorry,” Shiro repeated.

Keith exhaled and swallowed before he spoke quietly, “You didn’t know it was me.” It came out completely nonchalant and maybe that was what triggered something in Shiro.

“I could have figured it out,” Shiro whispered. This was completely different from before when Shiro did his best to plead his innocence and Keith didn’t feel like defending Shiro. If he wanted to ignore what Keith said, fine, Keith didn’t care. The tight feeling in his stomach said otherwise but what did his stomach know? Nothing, Keith decided. Absolutely nothing.

“Maybe,” Keith stated unfeelingly but let the tight feeling in his stomach coax him into saying more. “But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” Shiro repeated as if he was in a trance.

Keith didn’t know how long they stood in silence after that. Keith didn’t let any of his non-thinking body parts direct him into doing anything else than just being present without complaint and it seemed to work at least a little bit.

Keith didn’t know if he was annoyed, embarrassed or relieved when they were interrupted by Lance walking into the room. Keith hadn’t noticed Lane before he tramped once, and very loudly, and then stood and stared at them from a little farther down the hallway. Shiro gingerly let go of Keith as soon as he registered someone else in the room and looked at Lance with no clear expression but Keith, who was looking at Lance too by now, could feel how little Shiro wanted anyone to see him.

“What are you doing?” Lance asked in a weird mixture of gossipy curiosity and cautious suspicion of Shiro.

“Shiro’s sad,” Keith said as the biggest understatement the castle had long seen but Keith had never bragged about his articulating skills.

Lance looked at Shiro’s face. Lance did a good job of not showing his surprise at seeing their leader’s face blotchy and wet but Keith saw how Lance’s eyes widened for a split second. “I’ll say.”

“I need to go,” Keith said and took two steps before he specified right before Lance had a chance to ask, “I need to talk to Allura and Coran.”

Lance inhaled deeply and sent Shiro and sharp look before he asked Keith in a hushed voice, “Did he do anything to you?”

“No,” Keith huffed out. This protectiveness in the other paladins had grown old long ago. He understood them but that didn’t mean it was any less annoying.

“What do you need to talk to them about then?” Lance asked suspicious of both Keith and Shiro.

“None of your business, Lance,” Keith said resigned. Not because he had given up, he was just mentally tired as well as the constant physical exhaustion he had been victim to since he started walking on his own again.

Lance talked some more. It was a constant buzz even when Keith tried to block it out but Lance followed him away from the hallway and Keith wasn’t in nearly good enough shape to outrun anyone so it wasn’t like he could just get away from his fellow paladin. At least Shiro had stayed behind.

 

Keith had hoped Allura would be in the lounge so she could tell Lance to go away but instead he was met with the sight of Pidge and Hunk sitting on the couch. Why did they have to suddenly grow an interest of being around the others? Just being with Lance was bad enough and now he had to endure Hunk being worried and Pidge - Keith didn’t know what Pidge would do but it couldn’t be good.

Keith was exhausted from just walking the to the lounge but he took a breath so deep that it almost lifted his shoulders all the way up to his ears and mentally readied himself to walk out of the room. Maybe Allura was in the control room? He wasn’t sure what exactly she would be during there but it was the control room or her bedroom.

“Wow, wow, wow, mister, where’re you going?” Lance protested and stopped Keith with a hand on his shoulder. It wasn’t a very firm grip but it didn’t make a difference since Keith wouldn’t have been able to get out of Lance’s grip either way.

“Yeah, Keith, you look done for,” Hunk agreed with Lance and Keith accepted his fate as he was led to the couch. What he didn’t even tolerate was the fact that Lance chose to stand in front of him with his hands on his hips looking like some Latin mamá one second away from giving him ‘La Chancla’.

“Good now tell me what is so important that you need Allura. I can get her for you,” Lance choose to switch tactics and try to look innocently helpful midsentence but his face as authentic as plastic diamonds, “or just give her a message from you.” 

“Really?” Keith asked monotonically just to show how little he believed Lance’s words. Keith could imagine Lance describing it as him being an asshole in a universe where the others weren’t seeing Keith as a fragile piece of glass, but that wasn’t this one and Keith could long for it as hard and long as he wanted without any results.

Lance held his expression for only a tick longer and then let it fall away to give Keith an unamused look. “Shiro doesn’t deserve to cry it out on your shoulder and then have you fix everything.”

Keith closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He only answered when he had opened them and directed them somewhere that wasn’t anyone’s face. “Maybe.”

He could see Hunk and Pidge in the corner of his eye sending each other a look and either mouthing or very quietly saying something to each other before they directed their eyes back to Keith and Lance again.

“Good, so he didn’t slap all your sense out of you!” Lance bit out.

“He- he!” Keith directed his eyes back on Lance and sent him a narrow eyed glare, “It’s none of your business what I do! I can decide for myself just fine!”

“Oh, really?” Lance challenged and didn’t even waver when he had to wave Hunk’s concerned hand away.

“Yeah, really,” Keith gave back and felt more like an disobedient teenager talking to a disapproving teacher, or maybe how it felt talking to one’s disappointed mother, than someone talking to their equal.

“If you’re so good, Keith, then why did you have to decide that living was too hard,” Lance’s own glare turned brittle and then disappeared completely to give way to big and hurt eyes when he gave a single, “huh!”

The room turned completely quiet at that. Pidge and Hunk was too chocked and confused about witnessing a fight and having next to nothing of the context leading up to the fight to do anything and Keith didn’t know what to feel. He didn’t mean to attempt to end his life. It was a spur in the moment decision but no one would believe that and what did it matter? He was better now. Not as well as he was before everything went downhill, not even okay, but he was better.

The silence had stretched for an awkward amount of time when Keith finally found his words.

“Fine!” Keith growled in an attempt to hide how affected he was of Lance’s wide, wet eyes. “I’m going to ask Allura and Coran to help Shiro.”

“But he hurt you!” Lance argued and found some of his anger again. It made it easier for both of them and Keith would take everything he could get to not see Lance looking like as he had a moment ago ever again.

“Yes,” Keith agreed. There was no denying it when all the evidence had pointed to that. The only thing that could have made Keith not believe that was if he remembered that day as something different from the evidence but he doubted he would ever get his memory of that day back.

“But you still want us to just forgive him and forget it all?” Lance continued to ask.

Keith shook his head less angry but still annoyed, “No, I just don’t want Shiro during something reckless because he’s sad.”

“I never thought I would see you worrying about someone being reckless,” Pidge muttered to herself but no one commented on it.

“Have you forgiven him?” Hunk wondered and Keith took a deep breath. He didn’t even know his own feelings so how could anyone expect him to explain them to anyone else?

“Not yet,” Keith said unsure. Not because the words were untrue but because he wasn’t sure if the words were too hopeful or not hopeful enough.

Hunk looked closely at Keith’s face with slightly narrowed eyes and furrowed eyebrows. “But you will?”

“I’ve almost forgiven Red,” Keith said instead and to him it was answer enough. Pidge and Lance shared a look and Lance mouthed the name of Keith’s lion with almost entirely closed eyes and lifted shoulders.

Pidge was silent for only a short moment.

“You can’t be serious,” Pidge exclaimed in a loud voice. “Shiro is an adult he can take it. We all need to be able to take responsibility for the things we do.”

“Can’t we just pretend for a moment that we’re 17, Pidge? Or that you’re 14? That Shiro had barely been a proper adult before he was thrown into the war?” Keith asked and was surprised by how wise it sounded when in reality it was just him clinging to some kind of excuse for getting Shiro help.

Keith saw how Pidge’s eyes widened and her eyebrows lifted even if it was only for a fleeting moment before a mask of certain stubbornness had taken over. “We’re been through too much for that to be an excuse anymore, Keith.”

“Fine, we’re damaged. Really damaged, Pidge.” Keith’s voice cracked at the third last word. He took a deep breath and looked slightly to the left of her as he continued, “But that doesn’t make us wise and we can’t choose what Shiro feels.”

Keith forced himself to look at her again and hoped the rest of the room knew this was just as much to them as it was to Pidge despite Keith only looking at her. “Shiro needs someone to help him and I can’t. Neither of us can look each other in the eye because I can’t forgive him, yet anyway, and Shiro hates himself.”

“You’re such a hypocrite,” Pidge snarled. 

“I can’t control my emotions, Pidge!” Keith snapped. “Isn’t that what I have been told from the moment we started this paladin thing? That I’m hotheaded and controlled by emotions, so sorry if the Jedrics didn’t get rid of that but I can know something without feeling it. I’m angry but Allura and Coran aren’t. This won’t even have something to do with you or any of us except Allura, Coran, and Shiro. Me if you count taking the initiative.”

“This is the most I’ve heard you say since…” Lance thought about it before ending the sentence, “ever.”

“Congrats, but not the time,” Keith grumbled.

 

The others weren’t that bad after that. Sure, they still disagreed with Keith but Hunk volunteered to find Allura and it didn’t take much explanation from Keith and angered looks from the other paladins when Allura showed her never ending hostility to make her and Coran see sense and promise to help Shiro somehow.

Coran didn’t seem too optimistic which was saying a lot but he clearly wanted to try to help Shiro anyway. It was as good as it was going to get and Keith felt himself relaxing when he had finally given the task to someone else.

All he could do now was sitting and waiting. At least with this problem. He still had more problems than he could remember ever having on Earth.

Maybe he should try to solve more than one problem today. He hadn’t known that Shiro’s mental state had affected himself that much, so it only made sense to get the problems he knew of out of the way as fast as possible.

There wasn’t really any helping his unfeeling feet or difficulty speaking in a single day. Only time and practice would lessen or maybe even solve that but he could see Red. He hadn’t seen her beyond a glimpse when he boarded the castle half-asleep days ago and before that he had only been conscious a few doboshes if not less when she saved him from other space.

“I’m going to the hangar,” Keith announced when Allura and Coran left. Either to talk to Shiro or discuss how they would do it. It wasn’t in Keith’s hands anymore so they hadn’t felt the need to inform him and he hadn’t found the will to ask.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Hunk protested and Keith sent him a curious look. He had been thinking pretty deeply so maybe he had missed something?

“Aren’t you tired?” Pidge asked.

Yes, Keith’s mind answered but his mouth said, “no.”

“I’ll go with you,” Hunk said. The words sounded like a statement but his slight uncertainty made it sound like a question.

“I’m going to see Red,” Keith said instead of commenting on what Hunk had said. Not that it was anyone’s business what he wanted to do in the hangar or more specifically - what he wanted to do in the red lion’s bay.

There were protests but Keith wasn’t stopped from leaving the room this time. Yes, he was still walking with great difficulty but although how much the others didn’t agree with how hard he pushed himself, he wouldn’t learn to walk close to normally if he didn’t try.

Keith walked down to the hangar and to the red lion’s bay. He stumbled and he wondered if he should have brought someone with him in case he would fall or pass out from not doing anything for so long to suddenly walking around the castle. Maybe Pidge who was too weak to do something mortifying like carrying him but quick on her feet and able to get the others if something happened. However, Keith didn’t want to bother the others and more importantly, this was a moment he wanted to be only between him and Red.

Her not saving him was frightening after being saved by her multiple times and he wanted to ask her about it as soon as he saw her but he had also just missed being near her. Just sitting in her cockpit and feel her. Even if he hadn’t completely forgiven her for just letting Shiro almost kill him. Sure, she couldn’t hurt Shiro, which was good, really, but she could have taken Keith by the back of his armor or something. Lance had picked on him enough about it that Keith was almost sure that Red was actually capable of carrying him like that.

Keith was out of breath when he finally reached his lion and let out a big but tired smile at the sight of her. He took hurried steps as substitute to running and wrapped his arms around her leg.

“Hi, Red,” he yelled breathlessly to her.

A tick passed and then another one.

“Red, please answer me. I-,” Keith choked down some of his emotions. “I’m not mad.” Well, not a lot anyway. More disappointed and hurt.

Keith took a couple steps back. He almost fell more than once but was too focused on looking at his- the red lion as if she would disappear if he as much as blinked. He stopped as soon as he reached enough distance to look into her yellow, empty eyes. It felt more dignified and like they were equals when he looked into her eyes instead of clinging to her leg.

“Red,” Keith said again. His voice was still full of tears but firmer and on the edge of real anger. “I am still your paladin, Red. You could have let me die when I opened that airlock and you didn’t, so why are you-“Keith stopped and saw how the sight of Red became blurry before he forced the blurriness away with a hard blink.

Keith didn’t go down without a fight. Or the Keith he used to be didn’t but he felt the defeat set in instantly. He doubted he would try again but dying painfully in space sounded more tempting now than ever.

No, if Keith was going down he was going to do his damn best to take Red with him as far as possible.

“You can’t just pick and choose the rules, Red!” Keith yelled up to the unresponsive lion. “You can’t decide to not save your paladin when he’s like you want him to be. I was fine and you didn’t save me from being a cripple! But when I’m useless then you wanted to save me? I’m better, Red. You can’t reject me now!”

Keith took a step closer to her again despite having to sacrifice looking right into her eyes.

“Why are you being like this? It’s my turn to be angry at you.”

Most of the vigor had left him already but he knew he needed to get the last point out before it left him completely.

“You know I can’t be anything without you.” He could have been once upon a time. A time before he felt what it was like to do something that felt right and before he knew how it was to have control of his own life. “You knew this and still you wanted to put me through this. To keep me alive only to reject me. I don’t understand why you would do this to me. You must have known that the only cure wouldn’t make me like before and still you wanted to save me then.”

Maybe she hadn’t known. After all the solution hadn’t even been a suggestion when she saved him from the empty space but she could just talk to him. Maybe that was what he secretly from everyone including himself wanted to – to rile her up enough so she just had to say something in her own defense.

Keith’s shoulders fell and his arms turned into dead weight at his sides when nothing happened. He tried to take another step towards her. To apologize? To seek comfort? Keith didn’t know and he didn’t get a chance to before he walked right into Red particle barrier.

“Don’t you want me anymore, Red?” Keith asked and almost wanted to cry from just how pitiful he sounded. So broken and his voice reached an impressive high pitch at the last word.

Keith laid a hand on the barrier. “Is it because I’m damaged? Please, don’t do this to me. I don’t understand, please don’t do this to me. Please, please, please.”

“How can you do this to me?” Keith asked one last time and looked up waiting for an answer. Anything at all.

Red didn’t answer.

“What can I do to make you open up again?” Keith asked the red lion. She just had to say the word and she would get it. Did she want him to forget that she just looked at him while he was beaten to a pulp? Totally fine, he could literally not remember it. She could even ask him to injure himself again or personally ask the Jedrics if they could reverse what they had done to him. She just had to say the word and Keith would give her anything. Anything to make her want him again.

He realized the answer less than a tick after having asked. Lance was right, he had changed. The real Keith, the original one, wouldn’t have asked Red. He would have become just as frustrated but instead of asking, he would have done something reckless either in the hopes of getting an answer or just to let his frustrations out. That was who he had been, and that was whom Red wanted. Not him, not the new Keith. The original one even when that one had hardly been able to do anything himself.

“Did I change?” His voice was thin but echoed back to him in the vast but mostly empty room. “Is that it?”

Keith didn’t get an answer. Not even a nudge of emotions. Just emptiness that filled the whole bay around them.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said as if he was in a court pleading his innocent. He was sorry for having done something that had made Red push him away, he was sorry that he shared blood with what they fought and that his heritage was the catalysis that started the events, and lastly he was sorry for himself.

Would he have accepted the offer to be healed if he had known this was the price? If he had known that he would have to sacrifice Red and his whole purpose for mobility and communication? He felt like he would have said no but if he let himself calm down it would be an uncertainty. Red was everything but he couldn’t control her fast enough to be of much help without the knowledge of where his limps were.

He would never know for sure and the shock of the rejection was just as hard to bear as the sorrow itself. He wished beyond everything else, excluding the obvious wish, that he had known this would have been a possibility before saying yes to anything.

The lions’ physiology had always seemed mysterious and impossible to find even half the secrets of but he wished that he had used more time to ask Red about it than just accept her as everything and anything she was and could be. He didn’t even know if it was the change itself that made Red reject him or if her magic or spirit didn’t recognize him anymore.

It would probably have to be the first one at best and both at worst, since not being able to find him would mean that he was dead at least to her. Right? And a lion with a dead paladin would need to find a new one that fitted their requirements.

Maybe it would have hurt less if Keith knew he could fight on his own but he was no use anymore. He couldn’t fight and he couldn’t be part of Voltron.

It was just a question of time until the others realized that he had burned hard and bright and now, he had nothing else to give that flame.

He was just a casualty waiting to happen. He would never be able to do great things like Pidge or Hunk or Lance. Or Shiro.

“Red?” Keith tried one last time as he fell to his knees in front of her. His croak was barely audible but it practically screamed how much his heart was bleeding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I totally stole lines from Heathers: The Musical and a little bit of the spoken lines in the music video to Wake Me Up When September Ends. Not really on purpose I was just listening to them while writing and thought, "Hey, I feel like a dirty thief today" 
> 
> Important news (for me): I officially got into nursing school here on the 28th and I'm gonna be a first year student from September first! :D Being a nurse isn't my first choice because I'm a drama kid dreaming of being on the big screen but I'm happy about getting into nursing school anyway since getting into acting school is HARD and I need to do something while I try and try and then try some more.  
> My dad's also happy about me getting an educating to a more stable job.


	18. Shiro's Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro talk to Allura and Coran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can anyone else believe S3? So many twist and turns in 7 episodes. Like the Zarkon and Haggar thing! And Lance evolves a bit which is nice and Keith is the worst at comforting anyone. Like how the heck was Lance cheered up by "Let Pidge do the math". Step your game up , man! :P Maybe Keith made a joke about it but I can't be the only one who loses almost all humor when I'm really sad and/or worried about something.  
> I liked S3 if anyone's wondering. It was a little fanfictionally but I can't make anyone on this site believe that I don't like fanfictions and I did laugh a few times during the 7 episodes which I don't do to a lot of things when I'm alone.

“Are you okay, Shiro?” Keith asked and Shiro’s breath hitched when he heard Keith calling him by his preferred name but quickly collected himself.

“I thought you were still mad at me,” Shiro stated both because he wanted to change the subject as far away from his mental state as possible and because he was wondering if Keith had forgiven him. If Keith had forgiven him, then Shiro wouldn’t have to lie.

“I am but are you okay?” Keith asked and looked genuinely curious and possibly concerned.

“Yes,” Shiro answered and lifted his eyebrows as he wondered why Keith was even having this conversation with him.

“Are you sure?” Keith pressed on.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Shiro sighed. He loved Keith like a brother and he was what he hoped was secretly ecstatic that Keith was talking to him like a friend and not yelling at him about all the things Shiro already knew was his fault.

“Are you sure, Shiro?” Keith repeated slower and somehow that was all it took for Shiro to break. No, he wasn’t okay. He hadn’t been for a long time and lately it was even worse. Nightmares, guilt and the pressure put upon him from one day to another had been constant companions for so long and suddenly he had to deal with the fact that not only couldn’t he protect his teammates from others, he had to protect them from himself too. No Shiro wasn’t okay and he knew that Keith wasn’t fooled by how he nodded his head.

“You’re not,” Keith answered himself and Shiro nodded again as he finally admitted it to Keith.

Shiro took a step towards Keith and reached his arms out towards Keith out of old habits. He stopped when his brain registered how Keith tensed up and stood still for a moment longer when Keith relaxed his shoulders. He only closed the distance between them when Keith looked away from him, resigned but allowing Shiro to close his arms around him.

Keith didn’t hug, but he had liked every hug they had had since the second one Shiro had ever given him and besides the ones where Keith had been too distraught by various things, he had always hugged back immediately or close to it. This time however he didn’t hug back but he didn’t pull away either. He just stood and let Shiro hold him as tightly as he wanted to and didn’t comment on the wet feeling when Shiro buried his face in Keith’s hair.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro choked out. It was far from eloquent but Keith seemed to accept it more than if Shiro had given him a whole speech again.

Logically Shiro knew that feelings didn’t just disappear from one day to another and that someone can both love and hate a person but it had felt like Keith had only had loathing left for Shiro.

Shiro just held unto Keith for far longer than Keith had ever let anyone hold him before and it was only that knowledge that helped Shiro from getting discouraged by Keith’s lack of response.

“I’m so sorry,” Shiro repeated.

He felt how Keith exhaled and swallowed before Keith spoke quietly, “You didn’t know it was me.” It was nonchalant like Shiro had only done something minimally troubling and maybe that was what triggered something in Shiro.

“I could have figured it out,” Shiro whispered. He didn’t know why he was denying the small twig of an olive branch Keith was offering him. Maybe he thought he deserved Keith’s disgust and hatred for him or maybe he wanted Keith to deny everything he said. Maybe he wanted Keith to defend him no matter how much guilt that would awaken in him.

“Maybe,” Keith stated as unfeeling as if he had told Shiro that it had rained the day prior. “But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” Shiro repeated as if he was in a trance.

Shiro didn’t know how long they stood in silence after that. Keith was still not giving off any more comfort than his simple presence provided but he was still not hurrying Shiro along. Shiro wouldn’t have been surprised if they could have stood like that for an eternity but was interrupted when Lance walked into the room and, loudly, tramped before he stood still and stared at them. Shiro gingerly let go of Keith as soon as he registered someone else in the room and did his best to seem dignified by looked in Lance’s direction but Shiro was still too embarrassed to look him into his eyes.

“What are you doing?” Lance asked in a weird mixture of gossipy curiosity and cautious suspicion of Shiro.

“Shiro’s sad,” Keith said as the biggest understatement the castle had long seen. Shiro found it almost admirable how cool Keith was being after being used as if he was a teddy bear to a giant, distressed child.

Lance looked at Shiro’s face that no doubt looked blotchy and wet. “I’ll say.”

“I need to go,” Keith said and took two steps before he specified right before Lance had a chance to ask, “I need to talk to Allura and Coran.”

Lance inhaled deeply and sent Shiro and sharp look as if Shiro was supposed to know what Keith was talking about. Shiro did his best to ignore Lance and focused on Keith in the hopes that he could figure out what inspired Keith to talk to Coran and Allura. Surely, it couldn’t be because of _Shiro,_ right?

He couldn’t even kid himself, of course it was because of him. Even Keith wasn’t that quick to change his mind and he had clearly been on his way to the training deck just as Shiro had been. Unless of course he had just followed Shiro, but that would just give Keith even more reasons why he would want to talk to the Alteans now.

Lance had placed himself next to Keith without Shiro noticing even though Shiro was close to Keith. Or maybe it was because Shiro was close to Keith that Lance decided to be just as close to both of them.

Lance bent his neck just enough to have his mouth right next to Keith’s ear and whispered something Shiro couldn’t hear.

“No,” Keith huffed out.  Shiro felt both curious and awkward standing and listening to Keith and Lance talk. Even if he could only hear half of their conversation.

“What do you need to talk to them about then?” Lance asked suspicious of both Keith and Shiro. Lance’s narrowed eyes were far from friendly but Shiro had to force himself not to lean forward in fear that he would miss Keith’s answer.

“None of your business, Lance,” Keith said resigned. Keith sounded so resigned that Shiro couldn’t help the guilt and gut eating sadness that fell over him.

Keith turned around and walked away as fast as he could. Which was actually not very fast, an active 90 year old could at the very least keep pace with him, but the intention was there and was dutifully ignored by Lance who followed and tried to convince Keith to tell him why he wanted to talk to Allura and Coran.

Shiro wanted to know too, especially since he was almost certain that Keith wanted to talk about him, but he found himself incapable of following them.

“Come on, man, we’re a team aren’t we?” Shiro heard Lance complain before they were out of earshot and Shiro forced himself to turn towards the elevator and press the button to go down to the training deck.

* * *

 

Shiro trained until the sweat was blinding him and then he trained some more. He wasn’t one to throw himself away in training, he liked sticking to strict routines and ignoring that something was bothering him, but he had to admit to himself that there was something liberating about pushing himself until his muscles screamed.

He didn’t use his Galra arm. He tried initially tried but the training bot grew shoulder long, black hair and Shiro only found the strength to shout, “Stop training session” before his breath sped up and he had started seeing black spots. The spots had almost taken over completely before Shiro got his breath under control and wheezed wide-eyed for several dobosh more before he started training again.

He ran until his lungs felt like collapsing. He lifted weights until he physically couldn’t move his arms for a whole dobosh and almost broke his toes on the falling weight as his fingers gave up. Then he ran some more. Lifted some more. Did push-ups. Did crunches. Rinse repeat.

Shiro had expected to be left alone for the rest of the day. Keith seemed to have warmed a bit up to him but he was sure that the others would keep Keith as far away from Shiro as possible for at least the rest of the day.

So seeing Allura and Coran walking towards him as surprising and prompted him into lifting both eyebrows in a display of skeptic curiosity. He hadn’t expected them to talk to him so soon after Keith had talked down the hallway with Lance at his tail.

“Hello,” Allura greeted with a polite smile and sounded more like she was starting a meeting with an new, potential ally than talking to someone she was currently fighting a war with.

Shiro couldn’t answer. He simply didn’t have enough air in himself to do so. Not that he really wanted to talk to Allura if he had any.

The corners of Allura’s mouth fell slightly and stayed only slightly upturned and awkward.

“We’re here to talk to you,” Allura explained and Shiro didn’t know if he would have been able to not huff arrogantly if he hadn’t been breathless.

Coran noticed his plight and extended his hand to give Shiro the water he was carrying. The packaging looked like a juice box and it was only that slight amusement that made him reach for it. That and his throat felt drier than a desert without any rain seasons.

“How are you feeling, my boy?” Coran asked and Shiro sent him a look drier than his throat.

“Focus on Keith. He needs it,” Shiro said patiently on the outside but on the inside, his emotions were twisting in annoyance and dislike.

“It’s Keith who has sent us,” Coran said with big, honest eyes and upturned mouth, not letting Shiro’s negative emotions affect him if any of them had sept through Shiro’s hard shield.

 “It is?” Shiro asked in an oddly young voice. He knew that Keith had talked to Coran and Allura about him and it was too quick after he had cried on Keith’s shoulder to be anyone but Keith who had inspired the Alteans. However, Shiro had expected Keith to ask them more indirectly, if he would even ask them at all, but Coran’s unspoken words indicated and implied much more than cold information and a slight suggestion to check up on Shiro. It spoke of someone directly asking and insisting on getting him help.

“Yes, he seemed quite persistent that we improved your mental state.” Coran sounded too cheerful for such a serious subject but that was just Coran. Coran usually seemed eccentrically happy and if he wasn’t overflowing the others with good spirit, it was because they were in battle or Coran was doing something that was more funny than anything else.

Shiro’s heart _hurt_ , but it was a good kind of hurt. His heart was twisting in hope and excitement so great that he felt like he couldn’t contain it all and would burst at any moment.

He was still horrible and Keith had still not forgiven him, not that Shiro really thought that he deserved it, but Keith wanted to help him and that spoke so much to Shiro. Shiro wanted to help Keith with everything he could, he always had and always would, and now he knew that Keith felt the same way.

No matter the anger, no matter the rightful blame, they still had a bond. It was fragile and Shiro knew that a slight breeze could possibly cut it in half, but it was there at this moment and that was enough.

“Shiro? Are you okay?” Allura asked and Shiro almost shook his thoughts out of himself as if he was in some kind of children’s cartoon.

“Fine, do you have any suggestions to, um, improve my mental state?” Shiro asked as professionally as he could. The words had felt uncomfortable and wrong in his mouth but the Alteans didn’t seem to have noticed. At least they didn’t show any acknowledge of it.

“We had hoped that you would tell us what exactly are wrong with you,” Allura said with an even and calm voice but Shiro still found himself wondering how she could be such a good diplomat with that wording.

“Nothing’s wrong with me,” Shiro lied.

“I’m not a fool. Even a child can see through your pathetic lying,” Allura huffed.

Don’t sugarcoat it, Allura, Shiro thought sarcastically but he only shook his head as he answered, “Nothing’s wrong.” Shiro mentally added his never-ending guilt.

“Are you sure?” Allura asked skeptically.

“Yes, everything’s fine, Allura.” Except that Shiro’s entire team disliked him.

“Should I tell Number Four that you didn’t appreciate him asking us to help you?” Coran asked innocently but Shiro decided that Coran was pure evil. There was no way that he could say yes to _that_ question and Coran knew it. Even if his eyes hadn’t had an underlying glimpse of something more than his words said, Shiro would have known. Coran noticed Shiro’s tension and only turned cheerier. That quiznaking snake.

Coran and Shiro shared a long look and Shiro was a little ashamed when he turned his head to the side and let Coran win the staring contest. He turned his eyes and head again and looked down at his hands while he tried to find some words that would even scrape the surface. He didn’t want to and he would rather have everyone focus on getting Keith better as fast as possible but if this was what Keith wanted? Well, Shiro would do anything for him. Even sacrifice his own comfort. Even if it meant he had to tell Coran and _Allura_.

“Um, guys?” Hunk’s voice rang through the speakers in the training room and erased every thought Shiro had had about what to tell the Alteans. “We need you in the lounge.”

“What is it, Hunk?” Allura asked in a serious voice and two fingers to her ear. “Are we being attacked?”

“Oh, not that!” Hunk assured them and Shiro could almost see Hunk waving his hands in front of himself. “It’s Keith.” Shiro stiffened and looked up at the direction of the voice with a focused and sharp look.

“We’re coming,” Allura said right before they all took off towards the elevator up to what the paladins had long ago dubbed the domestic part of the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry there's not a lot happening in this chapter but I'm still proud of myself for posting 3 chapters in one and a half week. 
> 
> If any of you have noticed anything different, then it's because I'm no longer a teenager. I was a simple teenager when I wrote this (including this end note) but when I'll read through this, I will no longer be a teenager.  
> Yes, I am now an old, old woman of 20 years of age with her own appartment (with a bathroom and a room for everything else), an education I'll start September 1st and a job interview tomorrow. So old, and so very poor, but not too mature to find joy in posting a chapter today for the sole reason that it will be on my birthday.  
> I have posted this right before I'll be visited by my father, brother, father's girlfriend and the daughter of said girlfriend. They will bring cake and hopefully presents. I'll be very disappointed if I don't get at least one present from each person!  
> I don't make coffee and buy soda and coffeewhitener with the little money I have for just anyone! (okay, I'll make coffee for anyone who asks for it, and you can get coffeewhitener if I have it but other than that it's exclusively for my family and family's significant others and the significant other's daughter...)


	19. Keith's Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others find out Red doesn't want Keith anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keith is SHOOK! He's like me when I fianlly realized that I only saw S3 Shiro as Shiro because I wanted him to be. I wanted Shiro to be back with the others even if his hair grew unbelievably fast compared to his beard and he looked different. It was just the time with the Galra, it was just the time with the Galra and everyone has eyes that makes camera sounds, Christine. D:

He had been staring at her for a long time. Nothing changed. He barely felt like he was breathing in this little world of misery that he had built for Red and himself.

No, this wasn’t helping he needed… He needed… He didn’t know what he needed but whatever it was it wasn’t here.

Keith stood up on shaky legs and moved to the elevator robotically. The inside looked as it did before. Just as gray with turquoise markings that gave it the familiar Altean flair.

Keith looked at the door for a long time before he noticed that he hadn’t pressed any buttons inside of the elevator and it took him an additional long moment to remember that he didn’t need to, as it moved up and down in its own. It had a small screen to choose destinations with but Keith didn’t pay it any mind. It didn’t matter if it took him to the domestic part of the castle, the control room or even to some unknown part of the castle.

The elevator stopped when it reached a destination and almost closed again before Keith stopped it with a hand faster than his mind and stepped out of the elevator.

The hallway was better than his spot in front of Red but not by a lot. He had been living in the castle for a while but at this moment, this hallway looked identical to every other hallway in the castle.

Keith needed something. This wasn’t just losing his friend. It wasn’t just losing his purpose. It was both. It was everything. He just wished he knew how to make it alright again.

Keith was tired. There was problems all the time and not the kind he could just stab away. No this was worse than that and it was enhanced by the restlessness itching at his skin. His muscles streamed every day because of his sudden increase in exercise but the restlessness had never been satisfied without running or jumping.

Keith walked down the hallway in a daze. It wasn't exactly like he was unware of his surroundings. On the contrary, he was too aware and it and was feeling everything and then nothing as his mind just gave up on the overstimulation.

It was in that hallway that Hunk found him.

“Keith? Hey, man,” Hunk said cheerfully but turned serious when he took a closer look at Keith. Hunk furrowed his eyebrows and briefly bit the inside of his mouth right in the middle of where his cheek and mouth started. “Are you okay?”

Keith looked up at him. He didn’t say anything but at least some of the lost feeling inside of him must have shone through because Hunk didn’t press for any answers. He instead just took a hold of Keith’s arm and didn’t comment when Keith was even clumsier in his mental absence and Hunk had to almost dislocate Keith’s arm in order to keep him upright.

“Come, we’re going back to the lounge,” Hunk informed Keith who gave what could have just as easily been relaxing his neck for a moment as it could have been a deliberate nod.

Pidge and Lance was talking about something lighthearted when Keith and Hunk arrived but turned serious at the sight of Keith’s wide and confused eyes that was seeing something beyond anyone else’s ability.

“What’s wrong with him?” Pidge asked in a loud and commanding voice.

“I don’t know,” Hunk mumbled as he concentrated on sitting Keith on the couch. “I’m going to contact the others.”

“You do that,” Pidge answered absentminded and scooted over to Keith to better let her eyes run up and down Keith’s body to check for herself if he was physically hurt.

Lance got the same idea, moved right in front of Keith, and tried to catch his eyes with no luck. Lance squatted and was almost eye height with Keith but was still not successful in his quest to catch and hold Keith’s eyes.

Keith wasn’t trying to avoid Lance’s gaze just as he wasn’t trying to catch it. He simply couldn’t get his brain to understand the information around him. His brain took it all in but somewhere between catching the visual and audial input and translating into something understandable, the information just got lost.

"I don't understand what could have left him like this," Lance complained only a hair width away from getting hysterical,

"He was just leaving to visit-" Lance stopped himself and turned to look at Keith. "Keith," Lance said in a hurried and slight hushed tone of voice.

Keith didn't show any indication that he had heard him and Lance took a hold of Keith's chin with one hand and laid the other on Keith's forehead so he could force Keith to look up from his lap without actually using too much force.

"Did something happen with Red?"

Keith's only answer was looking Lance in his eyes instead of slightly off to the side.

"Come on, man, you're have to give us something." Lance huffed. "Look, I know she hasn't like died and I get if it's personal since she's your lion but-"

"No," Keith interrupted. It had been barely more than a breath but everyone as heard it as clearly as if it had been a shrill siren.

"What? It's not personal? Then tell us," Lance demanded with a tint of impatience coloring his relief of Keith answering.

"I can't read your thoughts, Keith. If something's wrong with her you need to actually say it instead of acting weird and thinking we will know what's wrong with _your_ lion," Lance sounded so tired that Keith would have believed that Lance just found this annoying and nothing else if Keith hadn't seen Lance talk so carefully and calmly to him only a moment ago.

"No," Keith repeated his last answer but this time fast enough for Lance to catch on.

"She's not your lion?" Lance asked for clarification. His voice had dropped in a show of his disbelieve and his flat eyebrows and heavy lidded eyes underlined the show of emotion.

"Not my lion," Keith confirmed.

Heavy footsteps banged on the metal floor and Hunk came back slightly out of breath. “Did you figure out what was wrong with him?”

Keith hadn’t even realized Hunk had left but Lance and Pidge seemed to have because they didn’t even bat an eye.

“He says the red lion isn’t his anymore,” Pidge said simply but with an edge of confusion and slightly narrowed eyes as she looked searchingly at Keith.

"Can the lions do that? Just suddenly reject a paladin?" Lance asked with less skepticism than before and more disbelieve and compassion.

“I don’t know,” Pidge answered and Hunk nodded in agreement.

Not even a tick passed before Coran, Shiro and Allura arrived entirely out of breath. Lance stood up and looked at the three entering the room.

“Can a lion just reject a paladin?” Lance redirected his former question to Allura, and probably Coran too, before the three arrivals even had had a chance to see who was in the room with them.

“I don’t know, Lance,” she answered. It wasn’t quite regal but it was impressive how quickly she composed herself after hurrying through the castle. “It hasn’t happened before… Except with Zarkon.” She sent Shiro a side-look but his attention was entirely on Keith who still looked out of it.

Shiro seemed to be almost as far away as Keith felt he was. Probably with even more guilt that Keith should stop before it could fester but he had enough on his own plate and he wasn’t sure he could say that Shiro had nothing to do with this and not make it seem like as big of a lie as it possibly was.

But Shiro being guilty was almost the new norm so it wasn’t raising too many alarms besides the annoying and constant want to make his friend feel good. What should have been normal but wasn’t was Coran’s and Allura’s non reaction. It actually scared Keith a little bit that they could just not feel anything to Keith’s world falling apart one giant piece at a time.

“Red apparently wanted in on the abandonment. Can she just do that?” Lance asked more specifically in order to give Allura and Coran some chance of knowing what they were answering about.

"The red lion is temperamental. It needs a paladin that relies on instincts," Allura recited from what she had told them the first time she had met the paladins.

“Well, I say it’s stupid,” Lance said and crossed his arms. Keith didn’t want to say anything, he still felt too lost and just sad, but if he had said anything it would be how much he agreed with Lance. This was stupid. Stupid and just the cherry on top of shit flying Keith’s way.

Keith felt like his life had become a desert with no life and when there finally grew something there, it turned out to be a fungus that killed all chance of life around it like some kind of evil penicillin.

 “Perhaps the red lion can feel a difference in Keith,” Allura suggested. Or it sounded like a suggestion, she even put in some innocent widening of her eyes for the briefest time possible, but Keith knew it was just her way of informing them with the lowest chance of awakening anger in anyone.

“Great,” Pidge mumbled sarcastically and looked to her left into nothing but air.

“I don’t think Keith’s that different,” Hunk told them and sent Keith long and concerned looks. He looked up at Allura again. “So we’re just going to have to wait and see?”

“No,” Allura denied with a shake of her head. “We have been inactive for far too long. It’s only a matter of time before we will be attacked and the Galra Empire only grows stronger the longer we let them conquer planets uninterrupted.”

“Princess, I-“ Shiro started and hesitated when everyone’s eyes fell on him. Keith couldn’t remember seeing Shiro that insecure since Shiro came back from his first mission after he graduated. “I don’t think it’s smart to involve anyone else right now. We’re unstable already.”

Allura nodded. She seemed a little cold but Keith couldn’t see any disagreement in her at Shiro’s words. “That is true, but we can see if the red lion will accept any of you-“

“Good plan. Not like that would just leave _our_ lions without anyone then,” Lance interrupted loudly but was ignored by Allura who continued as if there hadn’t been said a single word.

“- and both Coran and I are quite capable of flying the lions too.”

Replaceable. Keith had turned completely replaceable. He knew it was true in a way and hadn’t that been a reason that he hadn’t regretted his suicide attempt the moment he had launched himself into space?

He was just another mouth to feed. Just another person to keep around because he had nowhere else to go.

It shouldn’t have hurt this much. It shouldn’t have been a familiar thought to have. More than everything else, it should have hurt less that he had been used to being just that. It should have felt just as going home felt. Keith should have felt as his Garrison roommate after Shiro had felt when he said he missed being picked on by his big brother. That it was annoying while it happened but now that he had been away from it, it felt good and he enjoyed every annoying second.

“Keith? Are you okay?” Hunk asked suddenly a lot closer to him. Keith glanced at Hunk’s friendly face before he looked sideways and down into the space next to his thigh. “No one’s going to take Red away from you.”

“Yeah, if they could, they would have taken a lion the moment they woke up instead of giving them to literal strangers,” Lance supplied as he looked down at Keith. Someone like Lance shouldn’t be able to but he seemed very big and strong as he looked down at Keith. Keith almost felt like a child and like it was silly not to listen.

_“I know because I’m an adult,” Keith’s teachers had told him._

_“Listen when the adults are talking, Keith,” one foster parent after another had ordered._

Lance wasn’t an adult. He was probably not even any older than Keith but he seemed to know what he was talking about and Keith found himself believing Lance despite not having believed adults for the sole reasons of them being adults since before he turned 6.

“It’s not that simple,” Coran said but seemed more like he was just trying to support Allura than actually believing what he was saying.

“Have you taken a lion from a paladin before?” Lance asked and sent eyes far firmer than Keith had ever seen Lance send anyone that wasn’t trying to kill his team or innocent civilians. Keith looked up at those eyes mesmerized at how they seemed both fiery and cold.

“No-“

“And you don’t know everything about the lions, do you?”

“The lions are mysterious creatures and-.” Coran did try to get everything out and he talked faster in an attempt to do so but was interrupted by Lance once again.

“Jada jada jada,” Lance snarked and made rude talking movements with his right hand. “Then you don’t know.” Lance shrugged in a rigid way that told a story of something far from nonchalance.

“Coran has done nothing to you, Lance,” Allura informed him with a childish stubbornness that shone through the firm comment. “You do now talk to your fellow teammates that way. I’m sick of everyone splitting this team apart for things already done.”

Kind of like Allura had barely looked Keith in the eye even once after learning that he was part Galra and that wasn’t even something Keith had done. On one hand, he felt like he should tell her to get her own house in order before telling others what to do, but on the other hand, it would just be another thing to worsen the atmosphere. Besides, Keith wanted a resolution on what to do about Red and other problems and feelings would just have to come second to that.

“So now I can’t disagree with you two either because you’re _so_ right all the time. Like when you-“ Hunk put a hand on Lance’s shoulder and sent him a look that told more than a thousand words about Lance not helping and this wasn’t the time.

Lance took a deep breath. “Why do you think you can fly a lion if the guy the lion chose can’t for some lame reason?” Lance sounded much more teenage-y and it made Keith less afraid about how much he had started to listen and trust the words coming out of Lance’s mouth.

“My father was the red paladin!” Allura spit into Lance’s face as if it was Lance that had ordered the death of or killed King Alfor.

“I’m sorry your dad is dead, really I am, but Keith’s not dead and you can’t just act like he is and try to find a new paladin before we even know if the _mysterious_ lion even wants someone else. Maybe Red, I don’t know,” Lance widened his eyes, lifted the corners of his eyebrows closest to his nose, and puffed out his cheeks before continuing. “Maybe she thinks Keith has been through hell and deserves a break.”

Keith knew it wasn’t just that. He couldn’t hear nor feel the red lion like he had before, but a break sounded nicer than he had ever thought it would.

“We can’t stall anymore. We have already wasted too much time that we could have used on bringing down Zarkon,” Allura argued and angered Hunk and Pidge. Shiro was angry too but besides giving Allura all kinds of unkind looks when Keith looked over at him, Shiro didn’t do anything.

It started with arguments and ended with everyone just wanting to hurt the others with snide and mean words and Keith tuned it all out. He hoped this wasn’t how the others had felt every time he and Lance had argued. He was nauseous just thinking about the words his friends told each other and couldn’t imagine living with this feeling on a semi-regular basis.

In the end, Allura stopped the shouting by quieting herself down.

“Let’s clear our heads and find a solution when everyone is ready to listen,” Allura said with so little energy that the only way she could have sounded less energetic was if she had been dead.

“Hypocrite,” Pidge mumbled but Keith was unsure if anyone else had even heard it. They probably had since Keith’s head was swimming after all the harsh words that had been shared and the knowledge that Allura would defiantly be at least tempted to try to connect with the red lion if it took too long for people to calm down, and that knowledge didn’t help Keith’s mind from wandering into dangerous waters.

It would probably be best for the universe if Allura took over but Red was _his_ just as he was hers. Or she was supposed to be his until his eventual demise but he doubted that her choosing to not be his would make him any less hers.

Keith dwelled for only another moment and made a decision.

He had lost her, no question about that, but he wouldn’t just let her go like that. He didn’t care if he acted like a child or a possessive boyfriend to the giant, red lion, she would have to look at him banging on her barrier every damn day until she was so tired of him that she either blasted him into nothing or she let him in again. Either way, Keith would be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me if this was too emotion-heavy. I like writing emotions if no one caught on to that but I try to kill my darlings despite it slowly killing me. As if I a am in a pool of tears, I'm slowly drowing in the blood of said darlings and the tears I shed for them all. 
> 
> Also, I think there may be 2 more chapters and then this is done. I won't be done by schoolstart since I said yes to extra lessons in physics and chemestry and that starts on Tuesday (I think) but hey, hopefully they won't press us too hard in the first week.


	20. Shiro's Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro and Coran talk and Shiro gets a schock because of Keith (when isn't it Keith in this fic?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been forever, but I have been so busy with school. Did you know that we literally get more homework than we can do!? (At least two of my teachers has said we get more than we can do, so I know it's true).  
> Who knew Danish nurses has a rumour of being freaking amazing and it seems to come from the fact that I'm literally learning everything from cleaning to talking to patients to microbiology. We're literally being taught to be scientists that knows how to talk to a sick/weak/old person.  
> So, I've been busy and this chapter is the first one ever of these chapters to not be read through the day after its written. I'm a busy girl now with school and dormmates that talks to me (which I love since they're all so nice ^_^) 
> 
> I've been in the paper for my school (since the school moved from one city to another) and they wanted an interview with someone who would have stayed home if the school hadn't moved. A few people found me on Facebook and sent some hatemail because I said it was scary to move away from home despite only moving 60-70 km away, sorry hatemailing guys, I was a 19-year-old girl who thought that was scary last month even though I do know that it could have been worse.  
> At least I have my dorm (with own kitchen and bathroom ;) ) and dormmates and it was so good that the journalist wrote that I had settled in well in my dorm that I will not give the name of.

Keith started visiting the red lion as much as possible. Where he had to the forced away the training deck before, he now had to be forced away from Red.

Shiro would sometimes ‘accidentally’ walk past the room and look inside since he was walking by. It was only logical to look to Keith and maybe even rude to not do since it was barely any work when he was there anyway. Especially since Keith would do everything he could in there and if one didn’t see him in the kitchen or on his way to or from his bedroom, Keith wouldn’t be seen anywhere that wasn’t the hangar. No, Shiro decided, he couldn’t even convince himself that was even remotely true but he would do his best to pretend. Especially since it made him feel less like he was stalking Keith and more like he was being as rational as he once hoped to eventually become and as rational as he once fooled the others to view him as.

Watching Keith was strange. Not that Shiro watched in a creepy way. That wasn’t the kind of guy Shiro was, or, he corrected himself and abandoned pretending for a little bit, he didn’t think he was but he didn’t know exactly what kind of guy he was anymore. He had never seen himself as perfect and he had had insecurities even before being kidnapped on Kerberos, but he hadn’t seen himself as a bad person back then. Maybe after, just a little bit and especially when he started remembering some of the things he did in his time as Champion. Keith’s words had hurt when he said them, but Shiro understood what Keith had meant when he said he didn’t know Shiro anymore.

Regardless of how bad or good he felt, it was nice seeing Keith alive in more than just name, and Keith must have liked to be in the red lion’s bay. However, there was considerably lots of glaring at the giant lion until Shiro was afraid that Keith had been put on pause as if he was a character in a movie, but Keith did other things in there too.

Keith did all his physical exercises in the red lion’s bay, Shiro had both seen Keith walk back and forth by himself or jumping or stretching with Coran’s help. Keith had limited himself to only his bedroom, the red lion’s bay and the kitchen but he was much more mobile than before. Of course, it helped that Keith actually ate now. Both because he didn’t need mirrors to see where the food was but also because he must have gotten an appetite again and didn’t always have to mentally force himself anymore because hunger and the primitive joy of eating did the job just fine now.

Shiro could see these changes but he still ‘accidentally’ walked past and looked in on Keith the few times Keith had convinced Coran that he could eat in front of his lion. Just to be sure and just to calm his own heart.  

Keith’s physical was obvious despite small. His whole body was still too thin but his cheeks weren’t quite as hollow anymore.

Besides Keith’s brightened eyes that probably had more to do with him actively dong things instead of reluctantly letting Hunk and Lance carry him around the castle, his mental health was a question of what one considered good or bad.

Keith wasn’t visibly sad or too angry but he had become obsessed with the red lion to the point where Shiro had talked to Allura about cutting that tie. Shiro didn’t want to trust another person and he disliked the thought of someone not Keith flying Keith’s lion even less, but he would rather have Keith hate him, even hit him and call him hurtful names, than burn out and become a shell because of his new obsession.

If there had been a change in the red lion, then Shiro could have ignored it better but she was as stoic on the sixth day as she had been on the first.

When Shiro wasn’t walking past Keith for 15 minutes a day, Coran and Allura were bombarding him. At least Allura stopped relatively quickly after Coran had told her that she would help the other all health and security of the castle with other tasks than talking to a still reductant Shiro. It really just meant that her methods of improving anyone’s mental health could use a lot of time and energy they didn’t have, but no one commented on it.

It went a little better after that. Sure, Shiro wasn’t quite the ideal man to force weaknesses out of but Shiro was almost entirely sure that Coran knew that he wasn’t trying to be difficult.

Though, him not wanting to trouble Coran with his stubbornness and unwillingness to open up didn’t stop Shiro from asking a tough question when it hit him Coran’s was so uncertain about how to best coax Shiro’s troubles out of him.

“You don’t trust me anymore, do you?” Shiro asked.

“Of course I trust you. You’re a paladin just like the others,” Coran answered in a light voice.

“I’m not stupid, Coran,” Shiro said.

Coran sighed so deeply that it hit Shiro how old Coran really was without the seemly endless amounts of energy Coran possessed. Coran collected himself in less than a second and smiled brightly in Shiro’s direction. Shiro wondered how many times Coran had hit his exhaustion and sadness behind that mask but he was too afraid to ask.

“Don’t worry about that, it won’t take me more than a flying Krellians during Flubork to see you as before,” Coran assured him.

Shiro felt conflicted. He had thought that Coran was completely neutral besides his obvious willingness to side with the princess, but apparently not, but at the same time, he was trying to make himself trust Shiro again. Shiro knew a little about the power of the will, and although you couldn’t control your emotions and feelings 100%, the will to feel something went a long way if you wanted it badly enough.

* * *

The conversation with Coran stopped quickly after Coran had revealed his feeling. Not in a bad way, but the usual semi-therapist and semi-cluelessness felt wrong to both of them and they called it a day.

Shiro didn’t want to be alone though and walked down to the hangar to visit the black lion. He wasn’t trying to walk in on Keith for once and was actually hoping that Keith wouldn’t be there but he needed to see his own lion. Even though he hated himself, or maybe because of it, it felt good to be _liked_ and the black lion _loved_ him. The lion didn’t approve of attacking fellow paladins, it was a little disturbing _how_ much the lion made that fact clear beyond anything else, but he, the black lion, understood why Shiro had acted as he had.

Shiro was almost completely sure that lion cubs’ primary caretakers were the female lions. At least he was almost sure that it was like that in Earth’s nature but he didn’t really have any way to find out what Altean lions were like even if they must have had a shape similar to Earth lions. However, all that didn’t change the fact that he felt like a beloved child when he saw his lion and it was nice. Comforting and warm despite coming from a machine with a literally cold exterior.

"The red lion is sad," the black lions told Shiro telepathically when he was close enough to Black to see him.

A lot of reasons why flew through Shiro's head but he still asked, "Why?"

"Her paladin is dead," Black said curtly.

A stone fell in Shiro's chest and a lightness fell over his arms and legs. He needed to get out. He needed to get to Keith. Had Keith tried to kill himself again? Had he... succeeded? No, not Keith. Anyone but him.

Shiro's footsteps could be heard in the whole hangar as boots met the metal floor but he barely even registered it. All he could think was that he wasn't fast enough. He needed to find Keith _now_. He wasn't fast enough and Keith was already dead.

Shiro stopped right in front of the elevator. Keith was already dead. He had been too late. Someone should have stopped him but there had been no one to save Keith this time. Shiro started walking again. Softer, quieter, and terrified about both the possibility to find and not find the red paladin. Shiro didn't look for long. Keith wasn't in the kitchen and he wasn't in the lounge, as little as he had been there for a week, so that left only one room where Shiro could imagine Keith going with this troubled walk.

Shiro opened the door to Keith's room and his breath was stuck in his throat right after he let out a loud gasp at the sight before him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's super short but I really wanted something out since it's been so long, but more than that, I didn't want to just fill this for the sole reason off making the chapter longer.   
> I'm almost entirely sure but I think that the next one will the super long. Only parts of it is written but with all the things I want in it, it's probably either going to be the longest chapter ever or be split up.  
> Also, yes, this and the last chapter has almost identical names. Sorry, not sorry, names are hard and they can't all be gems.
> 
> BTW, sorry about the cliffhanger. You're probably either gonna be neutral or hate me pretty soon after the next (and probably last) chapter comes out :P


	21. Keith's End (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith tries to live with Red calling him dead and tries to find a way of living with everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is part one of the end of everything and I hope you all won't hate me too much for letting you wait so long with a plottwist that is really anti-climatic.

Keith was laying in his bed trying to sleep some of the everlasting exhaustion away. He didn’t feel like he was improving enough but that didn’t make the rehabilitation training less brutal.

The door swung up and Shiro busted in with a loud gasp. Well, that was unnecessarily dramatic.

“Hello?” Keith asked. It was midday so Shiro couldn’t have known that Keith was trying to sleep but that gasp sounded more like he had seen a wild Galra than someone trying to sleep. Keith looked down at his bare arms. No, still human.

“Keith?” Shiro asked in a desperate voice. He stepped into the room and looked down at Keith when he was at the foot of the bed. “Is that really you? Are you okay?”

“Are _you_ okay?” Keith asked and narrowed his eyes. Keith wondered if he had been too naïve in thinking that Coran had been able to help Shiro and not just turn him crazy.

“I thought- The Black Lion said that you-“ Shiro’s eyes were still taking everything in as they ran up and down Keith’s blanket clad body. Keith pulled the blanket a little closer to himself.

“What did your lion say?” Keith grumbled. No, he was not jealous that he could say that to two thirds of the other residents of the castle, excluding the mice, and no one could say that to him anymore.

“That you _died_ , Keith. I thought you were _dead_ ,” Shiro almost only breathed out. His eyes were wide and anxious but they blanched in light of the words they had accompanied.

“Oh,” Keith let out and looked down at his still human hands. Red wasn’t responding to him but to complain that he had _died_ was just cruel. Okay, Keith could take a hint. At least until he had thought of a new plan that didn’t include senseless bothering the Red Lion. He wanted her to like him again but if that only resulted in her thinking he was as annoying as Lance was at his most obnoxious, then it would only bring negativity to Red’s image of him. Because surely that was the only reason that Red would be so cruel to him.

* * *

 

Keith didn’t visit Red that day and instead decided to have a quick meal despite only being slightly hungry. Both because he didn’t want the Red Lion to tire of him but also because he needed a new plan so the time he spend with her was more than just being near her. Perhaps that would bring results with it instead of Keith just getting his daily dose of angry, metal lion.

His legs were still numb from the shin down but he was improving and could walk briskly and almost never fall. It also helped that he had gained some weight and his body therefore allowed him to gain some muscles too. He ate a lot of protein at least, it was Coran’s recommendation but Keith would have asking for it himself if Coran hadn’t recommended it, so Keith’s body had the optimal conditions for building itself up again.

That wasn’t saying that he wasn’t an eyesore. He was better but he could still see his ribs when he removed his shirt and he felt them through the shirt the last time he itched an itchy spot on his left side. Keith honestly didn’t know at times how the others could stand to look at him as much as they did because he was still shocked every time he saw himself in the mirror. Sometimes he would see his sunken eyes and shadowed cheeks and he would honestly need a moment to remember that it was himself he was looking at and not a very frail looking intruder. At first, his brain had just refused to acknowledge that it was him and he had to relearn his reflection until he almost never accused himself of being someone else. He didn’t learn this with his good will but he did learn it and the pain that brought was enough to send him on a mission to avoid mirrors as much as possible but he still couldn’t help looking at his arms. It had only been in disgust and horror before but now he was celebrating the fact that he could see a difference between his wrist and the top of his forearm.

At least his skin was better after he got into the habit of drinking when thirsty instead of when the others forced food and liquid down his throat. Okay, it wasn’t that dramatic but Keith would have starved and thirsted himself instead of being afraid of spilling if the others hadn’t insisted that he drank and ate all he could before there had been any talk about visiting the planet Jedremi.

He knew that the Jedrics had done something to him that Red didn’t like, it was the only explanation Keith could think of as to why she would go from saving to rejecting him, and he secretly blamed them for it, but he was thankful too as without them, he would probably have been dead. Dehydration or actually succeeded in suicide, he didn’t know how he would have died but he doubted that the others could have kept him alive for too much longer. Perhaps they could have put him in a cryo pod and technically keeping him alive but it would be as if he was in one of those coffin pods they had put Sendak in and judging from his malnourished state, the pods couldn’t actually keep him alive for too long. Or they could have frozen him in time as Coran and Allura had been for 10,000 years but that would just have been cruel and fixed nothing. It would only result in Keith being as good as dead until someone either killed him in his even more vulnerable state or were cruel enough to awaken him and then nothing would have been different from just letting him kill himself in the first place.

Keith was therefore thankful for the Jedrics ability to give him the will to eat and drink and the ability to walk and almost talk normally. His lisp was bad and he too embarrassed to start talking or too mortified to keep talking most of the time. He was therefore speaking far less than anyone else in the castle were, not that he had ever been the most talkative guy, but he talked a lot more than he did when he had just woken up from his… prolonged sleep in a pod and the others understood what he said of the time.

However, thankfulness didn’t change that he would rather be dead than useless and rejected by the one who knew him the most.

* * *

 

Keith arrived in the kitchen and saw Lance and Pidge pester Hunk to make them something that tasted as far from goo as possible and Hunk trying to explain to them that he wasn’t magical and there was only so much food and spices in the castle.

“Hello, Hunk,” Keith greeted and caught the attention of everyone in the kitchen.

“Hi,” Keith said to Pidge and Lance too and gave them a little nod for good measure so they knew he meant them both.

“What have I done to you, Keith?” Lance exclaimed as soon as he realized Keith wasn’t going to say anything more.

“I’m not in the mood.” Keith was really not in the mood for anything that didn’t let him cry to himself and later pretend that it didn’t happen or hit something very hard until he made an inanimate object cry. It was only hours after Keith found out the Red Lion was telling the other lions that her paladin was dead, so he thought he was justified to be a little negative even if the others didn’t know of this new development.

“Why is it that you can say Hunk’s name just fine but refuses to say mine?” Lance asked and let out an offended huff of air. Keith sent him an unamused look but Lance’s fiery and sharp eyes didn’t waver. “Once or twice is fine. Even I know that I can be wrong at times, but you have refused to say it even once since like forever!”

“Mine too, actually?” Pidge piped up, but she seemed more curious than angry and only with the slightest edge of hurt in her voice.

Keith got where they were coming from he just didn’t know what to say. Well, he did know what he could say under normal, or more like past, circumstances but now? He didn’t want anyone to be reminded about all the things he still couldn’t do, himself included, and listening to his lisp would just awaken that knowledge every time someone forgot it for the slightest second.

“Well?” Lance asked and Keith really wanted to do just about anything for Lance to shut up and stop being annoying.

Keith thought about ways to distract them or somehow get out of the question with half-truths that Lance and Pidge wouldn’t know the emptiness of before Keith was somewhere deep inside the castle where they would never find him, but he decided against it. Yes, it would have worked fine now but he only had a single castle to hide in and even he needed some social interactions and couldn’t exactly find someone new to talk to.

“Your name-, um, your na-name-,” Keith stammered in an attempt to find some works containing sounds he could say fine or even just almost correctly. Not that he actually thought the stammering was any better than an obvious lisp.

“Yes, our names, what about them? Not good enough for you anymore?” Lance rolled his eyes and narrowed his eyes in Pidge’s direction when he was hit by an elbow in the side of his stomach.

“What?” Lance hissed to Pidge but not nearly quietly enough for Keith to not hear it even if he had tried not to hear what Lance had to say.

“Be nice,” Pidge hissed back and her face fell into exasperation when Lance got visually more annoyed by her words. 

“I have been nothing but nice to him, so sorry if I don’t want to keep playing nice while he’s being rude.” Lance started out glaring at Pidge but turned his eyes on Keith again and let his gaze turn so cold that Keith feared he would shiver. “Hearing anything exciting? We’re not good enough to have a conversation with but good enough to have you listing in on one?”

“No, I ju-, I like talking to you,” Keith tried to reassure but not as hard as he tried to ignore the way he had said ‘talking’. It wasn’t quite enough to be a lisp, not really at least, but he could hear a clear difference.

Pidge’s eyes widened. “Were we too hard on you?” She sounded so forlorn. Not at all like herself but still familiar and it hurt more than Keith had thought possible for such a small detail. Some place inside of him whispered just who she reminded him of when she sounded so young and lost, as if she was unsure if a crime was hers but willing to take all the blame if the other part said so.

“Have I done anything to you?” Pidge asked again and sounded so young that Keith’s heart bled a little bit.

“No, Pidge!” Keith hurried out so quickly that he forgot all about his new way of pronouncing her name. Realization painted Pidge’s, Lance’s and Hunk’s faces and Keith felt his cheeks warm up enough for him to notice the warmth but hopefully not enough for anyone to see it.

Lance’s lips fell into a straight line and he furrowed his eyebrows as he looked away from Keith. Pidge looked sad and Keith didn’t know if he was more offended that she pitied him or relieved that she didn’t look quite as young anymore.

“You can call me Katie,” Pidge said.

“What?” Keith asked as he looked at her with furrowed eyebrows and searching eyes.

“It would be easier on your-“ Pidge stopped herself when he saw the embarrassment spread all the way to Keith’s fingertips, “-on you, right?”

Keith wanted to verbally confirm but he didn’t trust his words and especially not the ones with ‘s’-sounds so he simply nodded in thanks. They had better getting used to the nods because Keith promised himself to never attempt to say anything containing ‘s’ or ‘th’ in front of the others ever again.

“And you can call me Sharpshooter,” Lance exclaimed in a proud voice before he realized his mistake. “Wait, no, call me The Tailor.”

“No, I’m not calling you-,” _that, The Tailor_ , why did those words have to be the only options Keith could think of it that second? ”Just no,” Keith settled on and belatedly realized that it was a bad idea to say ‘just’ if he wanted to avoid lisping but no one commented or even reacted to it so he didn’t either.

“Fine, be boring,” Lance huffed. “Not like I care.”

“Can’t your name just be a tired sigh? It’s pretty much what we do anytime we see you anyway?” Pidge asked a little crueler than what was probably intended and her mocking smile fell for a moment of uncertainty.

“You don’t have to act like an aggressive Chihuahua just because you have the size for it,” Lance deadpanned.

“I know,” Pidge said with confidence and sent Lance a sunny and smug smile.

“Why are you like this then?” Lance demanded to know.

“I’m closer to hell, I guess,” Pidge shrugged. No one commented on the lack of logic in that statement when in space but Lance’s groan so loud and distressed that it rivaled anyone in excruciating pain.

Keith only remembered that he had forgotten to be crestfallen about Red after Lance had stopped groaning for several doboshes. It seemed almost normal, except Lance and Pidge made more of an effort with him and Pidge whispered to Lance that she didn’t really mean what she said about the sighs when she thought Keith couldn’t hear it. Keith had no idea where that was coming from but Lance seemed to appreciate it even if he insisted that he knew it already.

* * *

 

“We could try something else,” Coran assured Keith when he saw that Keith had hit a wall and was getting discouraged about his lack of improvement.

Keith lifted his eyes from his curled up fists and to Coran’s face. He didn’t want to get his hopes up and just sent Coran tired eyes that only displayed a hint of fear. It was not an ordinary fear but one showing how much he dreaded any suggestions from Coran.

“Don’t be scared,” Coran said when Keith didn’t give anything other than a shake of his head. “We got you Galra medicine to start your heart and breathing and you got much more functional after we visited Jedremi. I’m sure there’s more to be done.”

“No,” Keith said when he realized Coran wouldn’t be satisfied without any words. “I’m _tired_ , Coran. I’m so tired of all of this.” He really was. All the fighting between everyone in the castle, the shame he felt with all his disabilities and the healing on Jedremi. He didn’t have any energy or enough space in his head to take any more searches for a miracle cure and fearing for the side effects if they would find something. Maybe someday he would insist they should take away the numbness in his legs and his annoying lisp but not now.

Coran deflated. Not enough to seem sad but enough for Keith to realize he had been cheerful for Keith’s benefit and now showed how sympathetic but tired he really was. “That’s fine, number 4”

“Thank you,” Keith lisped out.

He loved the fact that Coran was so accepting and didn’t linger on unnecessary sympathy when it was not wanted. Keith could avoid words or just lips as he did just now and there was no reactions from Coran. Keith was no fool and he knew that Coran wanted Keith to seek more medicine or healing, Keith assumed that Coran was purposely hiding his disappointment badly, but Coran kept quiet about it verbally and let Keith decide for himself.

It was not brought up again but Keith knew that he could mention it again at any time they saw each other during or not during rehabilitating training. Coran didn’t even hint that he wanted Keith to change his mind as time went on and Keith could focus on improving himself instead and maybe come to the conclusion that he was ready to search for more.

Most of Keith’s physical training was leg or flexibility related but Coran did use some of his time to focus on the rest of Keith’s body. Including his arms, where Keith graduated from movements that Coran had called something technical and long but Keith secretly in the depths of his own mind just called ‘swinging both arms from side to side twice and then lifting them up halfway through another swing’ just a week after Coran’s suggestion of trying something else than simple strength training.

The graduation was much more satisfying than the work up to it and Keith had never been happier to see a blunt sword than he was the moment Coran gave it to him. Not even Coran telling him that he was sorry that it was a little too short to be of any use and that it was intended for Altean children discouraged Keith.

Of course, he wasn’t allowed to use it as he pleased and it was taken away from him after his one and a half vargas of physical training with Coran that day. However, it was something and even just swinging a bright blue sword that was probably not any longer than his forearm was enough to bring a smile to Keith’s lips.

He had been training for as hard as Coran had allowed him but he couldn’t deny that having a sword to train with did wonders for his motivation.

He even got to fight a gladiator robot with a real training sword after a few days with the bright blue sword. Given, the robot was probably on the lowest setting but Keith both won and got his heart beating. Most people disliked exercising but Keith loved it if it came from fighting. No matter if it was in hand to hand or with a sword. He even found joy in during the less exciting exercises that he needed to do to build up his strength and endurance.

Just five days after his first day against the robot gladiator, the robot kicked his ass and Keith loved it. Coran had accidentally put the setting on too high when he in reality just wanted to put it up one level but it forced Keith into a real fight and even though he lost, the fight proved to him that he wasn’t completely useless. He was getting back and maybe he would never be a paladin again, but he could be a frontline soldier. He could have a purpose again.

The robot didn’t stay on the higher level but it didn’t go all the way down to the intended level. Sweat poured down Keith’s face and back at the end of every training session and he lost as many fights as he won. Everyone who saw Keith knew that he was starting to love the new training and he didn’t even mind that Coran made sure that he did his other exercises before he could face any metal opponents.

 It was at the start of one of those sessions that Allura’s voice came from a speaker somewhere on the ceiling.

“We have received a signal,” she told them. “I expect you all to be in the control room in 3 doboshes.”

Keith wasn’t entirely sure how much a doboshes was in human minutes but he and Coran arrived in the control room after a little more than 4 minutes so he hoped that was quickly enough for Allura. On one hand, everyone else was already in the control room but on the other Allura wasn’t complaining about them being late and she wasn’t one to hold back.

Not that Keith would have really listened if she did complain. It was just lucky that the distress signal was now and not in an hour when Keith would have been so exhausted that there would be no hope for him to arrive in the control room in less than 10 minutes.

“The Galra is closing in on Leffag,” Allura said as soon as Coran and Keith entered the room. This information puzzled Keith as the planet’s inhabitants had all left for other planets after the fight on Leffag. The planet had been a great place for every living creature born there but the fight against the Galra had disturbed the system and somehow during the fight, there had been large clouds of ash risen to the sky and blocking out all light. No light meant no plants and no plants meant no living herbivores nor carnivores. The Leffagings and Coran had suspected that the ash would leave in about 50 Deca-Phoebes, however long that was, and then the ecosystem would just have to reset itself naturally before the inhabitants could repopulate the planet.

“A rebel ship has seen them in the system and we have to stop them before they reach Leffag,” Allura continued. As if there was anyone in the room that couldn’t figure that one out.

The team already knew several rough plans for expected situations and this was no different. There was only one ship so the team would come in their lions and try to have the element of surprise and stop the ship. In reality, stopping often meant destroying the ship and killing everyone inside but everyone preferred to avoid thinking about such details.

Keith wanted to go too but with Red refusing to let him in and even calling him dead, he knew it was a losing battle with no reward if he did win.

The castle wormholed closer to the spot where the Galra ship was last seen and was just about to look for the Galra ship when they received a distress signal. This one was from one of the neighboring planets to Leffag named Enkrellat.

Enkrellat was one of the planets where the most creatures and people from Leffag had found a home. The planet itself held no riches and the main creatures from Enkrellat got nutrients from sunlight and plants that was toxic to most other creatures. Keith didn’t see himself as a genius but he already knew what was coming before even a single word had left the Enkrellatant’s thin lips.

“The Galra has come! They’ve taken so many already!” The scared twist of the Enkrellatant’s hairless eyebrows awoke protective feelings inside of Keith that he hadn’t know he could feel for anything other than small children and cute animals before he left Earth’s atmosphere. None of the Enkrellatants were pretty, at least according to Earth’s standards, and this creature on the screen was no exception. It had a dark bluish gray skin with spots that looked much bluer than the rest of the skin. It was bipedal but had no arms and its face looked like a child’s nightmares with its entirely black and beady eyes, huge nostrils with no nose and a mouth so big that Keith wouldn’t have been surprised if they could see behind them if they just opened their mouths all the way up.

Still, this was a people he had helped liberate and they had done nothing to deserve anything other than kindness. Someone had taken them and Keith couldn’t just stand there doing _nothing_. He wanted to help them. No, he _needed_ to help them and Allura and Shiro could suck it if they wanted to stop him.

The distress call ended abruptly and Keith feared what that meant. He could easily figure an answer out but he was too afraid of letting his imagination think of any scenarios.

“The prisoners are the most important right now,” Shiro said in a formal and leaderly voice. All his insecurities seemed to vanish with a mission on his mind. It was both comforting and disturbing.

“We’re sneaking onto the ship with the green and black lion and freeing as many prisoners as possible without being detected.”

Thinking anyone could speak out a probably large number of prisoners without being discovered was downright naïve but Keith didn’t comment on that part of the plan, instead he chose to say something that he knew could make everyone far angrier.

“I’m coming too.”

“What?” Lance asked. “No, you’re not.”

“You don’t get to decide anything for me, Lance,” Keith sneered.

“I am, and you’re not going,” Shiro said surprisingly calmly. “You can’t fight the Galra if we’re discovered and you can’t run away from them either.”

“I can sneak onto a ship with or without your consent,” Keith said and felt guilty about how much he enjoyed the horror on Shiro’s face. He didn’t enjoy being the cause of negative emotion in anyone he cared about but Shiro wouldn’t have been affected, at least not like this, if he didn’t believe Keith to be able to sneak onto a lion and then onto a Galra ship.

“I’m going anyway - why not just say fine and then you’ll know where I am?” Keith asked. He knew it was a shitty thing to do but he needed to save these people.

“You’re being selfish, we will have to make sure you don’t kill yourself instead of actually saving anyone,” Lance said and Keith couldn’t honestly disagree with that point. He still did it but secretly he knew that Lane was right.

“Then don’t worry about me. I can fight and,” Keith gave Shiro a look, “and run just fine.”

“I’m not going to allow you to do anything just because I know you could try to do it anyway,” Shiro said much more firm than Keith thought he would be able to. Especially considering how he had been before.

“Paladins, we don’t have time for this. Shiro, Pidge, Hunk and Lance, go _now_ , Keith you’re staying in the castle.”

Keith huffed but relented, at least on the outside. That was until the paladins were almost out of the door and Keith remembered something he had discovered before the incident all that time ago. “I can open the doors on the ship.”

Everyone turned to look at him.

“Okay…” Pidge said looking very unimpressed.

“On the Galra ship, I mean, I can open the doors. I can help.”

“His stamina has improved a lot,” Coran supplied and Keith wanted to throw one or both hands in Coran’s direction to show the others that what Coran had said was a very good point. He didn’t because that would just have looked ridiculous but the urge was there.

Shiro sent Allura a look before he sighed and whispered, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Shiro then straightened himself out and said with a normal volume, “Fine, you can come, but if there’s any trouble, then you run and hide inside one of the lions.”

Keith would normally be offended to be talked to like that, but he just nodded eagerly and speed walked with the others.

“Is this really a good idea?” Hunk asked quietly.

“Yeah, send him back,” Lance agreed as he sent both Keith and Shiro a poisonous glare.

“It’s a terrible idea but he would have come anyway,” Shiro said just as quietly.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t allow something just because you know he would disobey,” Pidge hissed.

The conversation stopped when they reached their lions and Pidge and Shiro entered their own lions while Hunk, Lance and Keith looked for a moment before Hunk and Lance moved towards Green and Keith to Black. He was still not over what Shiro had done but he didn’t have a big problem with being alone inside the Black lion with Shiro if it meant he could help with the mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Keith was literally dead to his lion. Must feel amazing :|  
> If anyone's wondering about the name of the planets, Leffag is literally the Danish word for 'fork' backwards and Enkrellat is 'plate' backwards. My creativity knows no bounds.
> 
>  
> 
> AND I'M BACK, BITCHES! The next (and last ever) part of this story is already written (but not proof read yet) so I doubt that will take me 2 months and six days to post


	22. Keith's End (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the end.  
> The team is going on a Galra ship and Keith just wants to be useful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy first advent! I hope everyone have bought themselves a chocolate calander like I did (for like 11 DKK). It made coming home from my dad's a little sweeter since I had 3 pieces of chocolate waiting to be eaten :D

Something went wrong and the team was discovered. Keith didn’t know who that was discovered, but the blasting alarm deafening everything else was a clear sign that the Galra knew something was amiss.

“Pidge, Hunk, Lance, are you okay?” Shiro asked before Keith had overcome the white-hot panic screaming from the base of his throat.

“Yes,” Pidge answered stressed but uninjured.

“We’re almost at the prisoners,” Hunk added. “But I’m really, very afraid there’s someone waiting for us there.”

“I’m coming as soon as I can,” Shiro stated and ran a couple of steps before he either remembered Keith’s presence or simply heard Keith following right behind him.

Shiro sent Keith with a firm look over his shoulder with hard eyes and a tight mouth as he ordered, “Go to the lions.”

“ _No!_ ” Keith huffed as he and Shiro ran towards where the rest had run to.

“Do it. We can’t protect you if we’re going to save the prisoners. So it’s going to safety or letting people die.”

Keith was stunned. He knew that the team liked him but being told outright that they would just abandon the prisoners to their own fate for him was entirely different from just knowing they liked him.

Keith didn’t like it but he did as he was told and changed direction and ran towards the lions.

He promised himself that he would be better. He would be so good that there would be no question about whether they could have him fighting on the ship because he would be that strong and capable. He would save countless lives and if he died, then it would be because of a mission that no one in the entire Universe could have survived.

He needed to believe this as his breath grew short and he heard his teammates breathe less heavily than him but still deep and fast.

It took Keith embarrassedly long to notice the footsteps running just behind him. He entered the hangar just as a hand took a hold of the back of his paladin suit and pulled.

Keith landed on his back, looked up, and saw a purple and furious face looking down at him from a short distance. A gun swinging just next to his face and Keith realized for the 100 time in his time as a part of Voltron that he could very well die. It would just take one unlucky, or lucky for the Galra in front of him, shot to kill him. He was weak and he should have listened to the others when they denied his request to come and feel useful in the first place.

Keith bended his arm and hit the Galra in his cheek. The Galra turned his head and his body just enough for Keith to kick him in his either stomach or just a bit farther down. The Galra let out a pained huff of air and was incapable of stopping Keith from crawling under the Galra and away.

Keith only got a few seconds head start but it was enough for him to have some sort of distance between them. Or so Keith had thought until he realized how stupid that move had been.

Keith had a sword, a close-range weapon, and the Galra had a gun. Keith hadn’t talked to a lot of Galras but he knew they weren’t dumb creatures and he wasn’t the least bit surprised when shots fell around him and he twisted and turned with his sword and shield still barely got away from the lasers fired in his direction.

He wouldn’t be able to survive this for much longer and then this Galra would go back to the rest of the ship and shoot his friends. Maybe the Galra would even bring his body and mock them. Make the rest of them weak. Caring was a sign of strength but only because it was a big weakness too.

Keith saw a button that he had unintentionally run towards. It reminded him of several times that he had done this before. Times when Red had saved him. There would be no Red now but Keith still pressed the button to open the hangar.

He could die before he had been able to prove his worth but it was fine, the Galra was caught off guard and sucked out into the vast space and Keith just had to hold on until someone would close the hangar again. Preferably without them being either Galran or sucked out themselves but Keith found himself less picky as time when on and his fingers started burning from both the weakening muscles and the sheer pressure on having metal plates forced into his skin.

Keith heard footsteps and looked up. He was for once hopeful that this was going to end well. Even he would secretly admit that he hadn’t been physically ready for battle but his mind had been ready long ago and this would be the fruit of his effort.

The hope fell from his throat and into his stomach like a stone falling through water and the stone turned into disappointment and horror as it fell.

The Galran soldier in front of him was not happy about the paladins sneaking into the ship but he seemed too happy about seeing Keith. Disturbingly so.

Keith lifted one hand from his death grip on the metal. He would die but he would rather become an invalid again than go down without a fight. He knew that he couldn’t kill or even severely wound anyone like this but he could do _something_ and that was better than nothing. Maybe even better than anything. A Galra carrying a scar forever from him would show just how strong Voltron was if its current weakest link could do something like that. Maybe he could pull out an eye and really spread fear of Voltron among the soldiers.

Keith activated his bayard and his fingers finally gave out.

He felt the burn from the metal edge cutting a layer or two of his skin and saw two single drops of blood find their way out of him as he was sucked out into space. Instincts or reflexes, Keith wasn’t sure which since they both seemed unlikely, but one of them moved his hand up to close his helmet before he was suffocated in space. Again…

He was still going to die floating around and the only satisfaction was that the Galra looked almost as disappointment as Keith felt. He didn’t really feel any fear anymore but disappointment that this would be his end. After all he had been through _this_ was how it would end – floating in space waiting for the Galra to find a gun and see if he could hit him. Or maybe just someone from the ship noticing a paladin and a Galra soldier floating around and hitting Keith while he was helpless. He would be blown up beyond recognition and maybe the others would never truly know what happened to him as they would fly away from the ship and through his ashes.

It was just great.

Keith was surprised how calm he was feeling. Maybe it was a product of how close to death he had been both while conscious and not. Maybe his body and mind had accepted their fates.

He felt disappointed that the last thing the others would have seen him do would be him being stubborn and refuse to obey orders but at the same time that sounded like something he would have done before all this. So, in a way he would die more like himself than he had lived lately. It was all about finding the silver lining, as Shiro would have reminded him once upon a time when they were both far more innocent and with far less mental and physical scars.

The Galra only held onto the metal wall for a short time before he had clicked a lifeline into place and had both hands free to shoot Keith without fear of being sucked out with him. So, the Galra Empire did learn from Voltron’s earlier actions. Good to know right before he would leave his team forever and could only hope that his teammates could evolve their fighting techniques faster than the enemy could.

Keith saw how the Galra pointed the gun in Keith’s directions, aimed until it pointed directly between his eyes. The Galra was just about to fire the gun when his eyes widened in surprise.

Keith would normally not turn his eyes away from the enemy but he would be just as dead if he looked away as he would if he didn’t so he had no problem turning his head. He couldn’t really see what it was at first, it just looked at a red blur closing in on him, but he quickly recognized the shape and color.

“Red?” He asked the unforgiving void of space right before the Red Lion swallowed him.

It all happened so fast. His eyes blurred because of the fast movements and he couldn’t believe that he was really in his lion again. He was so confused and elated that he didn’t have any room for Red’s emotions at first but he turned his own feelings down when he realized she was trying to communicate with him.

It wasn’t words like she had done before the incident with Shiro. Just feelings. They were welcoming and trying to calm any questions he may have even though he wasn’t asking any. It felt just like the first time he had sat inside her.

Had he won her back? If so, why wouldn’t she just talk to him instead of acting as if they were strangers?

Oh. _Oh_.

“Keith?” Hunk’s voice rang in the helmet.

“What’s your status?” Shiro added.

“I’m…” Keith started but didn’t really know what to say. What were there to say when he was suddenly filled with questions about everything that had happened the last few seconds?

Keith looked out of the red lion’s eyes and saw the Galra trying to close the hangar and Keith realized he didn’t have time to find the answers to any of his questions if he had any hope of stopping this particular Galra.

“Keith?” Shiro called.

“I’m fine,” Keith answered. “The Red Lion’s back.”

“What?” Lance asked and Keith could practically see the expression on his face from the way he was talking.

“I will explain later,” Keith said curtly but he didn’t feel too bad since he needed his concentration on the mission and the others would understand.

Red was just as agile and dangerous as before. Keith had trouble aiming exactly where he wanted to and it scared him that he didn’t know if it was excitement, fear or brain damage that kept him from perfection, but he would have time to dwell on that later. Probably. His chances would rise greatly if he could stop the Galran soldier and help his friends out of the ship before someone fired something towards Red.

The hangar doors were almost entirely closed when Red’s laser entered the hangar. Keith couldn’t actually hear any screams through the empty space between him and the Galra ship but he felt like he could.

Keith allowed himself to close his eyes for less than a second. These were the enemy and, yes, he shared some DNA with them, but he shared at least half of his DNA with the other paladins. His friends didn’t need him to suddenly grow a conscience that would be in the way of him being useful.

“What did you do, Keith?” Lance asked in a distressed voice. It was high-pitched in slight panic but Keith could barely understand any of the words over the alarm that blasted even louder and in another rhythm than before.

“What needed to be done,” Keith answered.

“That’s very nice, but, Keith, shut up if you’re going to be cryptic,” Pidge stressed out. Keith knew that voice and knew that furious and narrowed eyes always accompanied it wherever and whenever it showed its face.

Keith hoped it was because she was simply irritated about her map being unclear as she was returning to her lion. No, he hoped everyone was returning so they could get far away from this ship and figure out a new plan for the Galra Empire to fall. A plan where he could play a part and show the team and himself that he could still be useful. He could help.

Keith didn’t have time to wallow in his thoughts as a laser fired from the other end of the giant ship. He didn’t even notice anything was amiss before Red was hit with a lucky shot. She wasn’t really damaged but the force of the hit almost gave Keith whiplash and she did turn off for a tick.

A tick wasn’t really long, barely more than a second, but it did spike Keith’s fear. His heart was beating and he was sure that the taste in his mouth was from fear and stress. Adrenaline probably wasn’t something he could actually taste but his blood was being beaten around to his muscles and left less oxygen for his brain so he couldn’t be blamed too much for irrational theories about his hybrid body.

Keith pushed almost every button he could see in the cockpit. The first half tick it was controlled and the other half of that long tick was in a frantic panic. Red flew backwards as soon as she turned on because of Keith randomly pressing the buttons and pulling the steering wheel in every direction possible.

Ironically, that was what saved Red from a bigger hit right to her head where Keith was sitting. All the lions were strong but none of them were truly impenetrable and Red and Green were the least protected ones of the five lions. Keith would probably not have been seriously hurt, probably not even really in the need of using a pod, but one bad hit could mean that Keith would be less attentive and that could end in a far worse outcome.

“Are you okay?” Hunk asked through the coms.

“I’m fine,” Keith rushed out as he tried to predict where the Galra ship were firing from.

“I’m coming,” Allura informed the others. The castle had hid on a moon just out of where they assumed the Galra radar reached. Seeing the castle would have blown their cover but there wasn’t a real reason for that anymore so the rest of the team kept quiet and focused on their own tasks.

Keith was ready to be fired at again but he wasn’t ready for the shots to come from as many directions as it did. He had been properly discovered now and he was both remorseful and happy about that. On one hand, it did take some of the Galra’s attention away from the rest of the team but on the other hand, now there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that the Paladins had infiltrated the ship.

“Try to destroy the lasers,” Allura commanded as if Keith had any way of following the command while being shot at from at least four spots on the giant ship. Keith was good but he was out of training and not nearly as much in sync with Red as they used to be.

“No, return to the castle,” Shiro said in opposition to what Allura said. Keith remembered when Shiro would try not to say anything against her if an order had been made and only say something if they were still discussing. The past Shiro had said it was important to show support and not split the team with two completely different opinions, but he clearly didn’t care about that as much anymore. Keith may have not been conscious when this change started but he could imagine it just fine.

It should have been making him either angry that Shiro would risk anything because he didn’t trust Keith even though Allura had put faith in him, or Keith should feel guilty that he was the reason for this. He knew that that was what he should feel but he only felt slightly worried about Shiro and prouder of Shiro than he thought anyone could be of someone mid-battle.

Because Shiro had been subdued for a long time now but him showing his blatant disagreement with someone from the team showed Keith that he was still not a pushover and he still had some self confidence in order to even hint at disagreeing with anyone from the team. Especially Allura who may only be the princess of a deceased kingdom, but she was still a strong leader and everyone put a lot of faith in her.

Keith did not tell anyone all these thoughts, hell, no one would have known even if they saw his face as he sat in Red. These thoughts didn’t change that Keith couldn’t follow Shiro’s order without risking himself and the rest of the team. It was a simple math problem and the risk of casualties in both himself and the others would rise rapidly if he turned around and sought safety in the castle. It wasn’t worth the higher change of Keith being uncharred if he could somehow reach the castle without being hit a single time while he was facing away from the enemy ship.

“No, we’re not Galra,” Pidge whisper-hissed through the coms. It startled Keith enough that he barely missed the next direct hit but wasn’t fast enough to avoid the hit entirely. Keith collected himself before Red was hit again and therefore didn’t figure out that Pidge was in fact not talking to him before he heard the next words through the coms.

“We’re getting you all off this ship,” Pidge whispered even quieter. Keith was concerned about his friends having to herd people who didn’t trust them off an enemy ship but said nothing because of the fear shouting at him to not distract his teammates.

They would need all the concentration they had if they had hopes of any chance to pull this off. Just sneaking a possibly huge group off a ship seemed impossible but if they didn’t cooperate, it would be legitimately impossible to not be stopped before they could even get close to their own lions.

“It’s the paladins,” a voice probably either belonging to an Enkrellatant or a Leffaging informed someone on the other end of the coms. It must have been very loud for Keith being able to hear it through one of the other’s microphone.

“Yes, we will help you guys,” Hunk whispered slightly louder than Pidge had been but not by much and his voice was a thousand times warmer and more comforting than Pidge’s had been.

“Shiro,” Lance asked in a hush voice. “What are we gonna do? There’s already too many injured to carry and this is only the first three cages. There must be at least 6 more just in this hallway.”

“Almost there,” Shiro reassured both Keith and the three near the prisoners. “Don’t open any more cages.”

“What?” Pidge hissed.

“We can’t sneak that many out and we’ve already been discovered,” Shiro explained as he ran if his heavy breathing was anything to go by. Keith wished that every Enkrellatants and Leffagings could be saved but he secretly applauded the decision to have his teammates be safe above the chance to save every prisoner on the ship.

“We have to move now, Pidge,” Lance said. He was trying to hide his own emotions but Keith could hear it clear as day in the way his voice had reached a higher pitch than it usually did and his voice almost broke at the word ‘now’.

There was silence for only a short moment before the high-pitched voice of a child realized that not everyone was coming with them. “No, I need my mom and dad!” it screamed with no regards to the Galra hearing them.

“We’ll see each other again,” an androgynous voice called back quieter than the first.

“No!” The child screamed. “No! No! No!”

The screaming was muffled before long and Keith only felt a single zap of terror that they had simply left the child somewhere when he heard the heavy breathing of the child.

Several muffled voices started twisted Keith’s heart through the coms and Keith felt both sorrow and relief for the Galra’s cruelty. One thing was capturing someone but to capture children and separate them from their parents was just cruel, but it did help them to at least save all the children.

Keith hadn’t realized how out of training he was before he barely escaped another direct hit.

Keith didn’t know what was happening to his teammates while they were on the Galra ship but he couldn’t hear any painful grunts or distressed calls for help. Only their breathing and the breathing of some of the people they were helping.

“In, in, in, in,” Pidge ordered and Keith felt his shoulders fall in relief. They had risen to his ears without him noticing and they were not out of the woods yet but it was so close that he could almost taste it. Only one last, dangerous flight and then they could enter the castle and be safe until the next mission.

Keith felt himself tense up again when Shiro ordered Lance and Hunk to shoot while he and Pidge would try to keep the prisoners unscathed while they boarded the Green and Black lion.

Finally, Shiro muttered a single, “Return to the Green lion.” Keith feared for a moment that Lance and Hunk wouldn’t have heard it but he quickly realized that if he could hear Shiro through the coms even with all his blood rushing loudly through the veins right next to his ear, then Lance and Hunk would also hear Shiro just fine.

A great blast blew up a hangar door Keith hadn’t spotted while in the open space. It was unlikely that the blast left any survivors without at least serious injuries and unconsciousness and the pull of space pulled every dead body out to be preserved until found and every living soul out to be suffocated. Keith could empathize with that death even if none of them would be conscious to experience it.

The shots stopped firing after Keith. The Galra was probably just as frantic now as Keith had been before and while he watched with wonder as the Black Lion exited the ship, the Galran people probably watched on with horror and dread.

Keith almost didn’t see the Green Lion fly out as Pidge camouflaged it while exiting but he felt happier than ever before at the single glimpse of green he caught.

The Castle of Lions flew towards the lions as the lions flew away from the Galra ship and tried to dodge all the shots aimed at them as soon as the Galras had collected themselves. They all flew as fast as their lions allowed them to with Black initially at the front but the Black Lion was outpaced by the Green and Red Lion before long.

The castle let its particle barrier fall down just as Green was less than a second away from smashing into it but had full faith that that wouldn’t happen. The castle rose it as soon as Black’s tail was inside its premises but was still awarded with a hit to one of the towers letting the barrier down in the first place.

The hangar door had barely closed and the Red hadn’t even landed properly before Keith felt the shaking indicating that the castle was flying through a wormhole. 

The Green and Black Lion opened their mouths to let out both paladins and former prisoners while Keith sat and tried to swallow everything that had happened.

He had fought and like always someone on the team could have died but they haven’t and this had probably been one of the safest, or more like least dangerous, missions they had been on but he still couldn’t quite believe that no one was seriously hurt and that he himself had survived.

Keith looked at his hands that were laying comfortably on the armrests of his seat. Red had let him in. She acted as if this day was the first they had ever had with each other and probably had believed it when she had said he died but she had let him in once more. She trusted him again.

Keith stood up robotically and exited the Red Lion. He could feel all the other paladins sending him looks before they turned back to look at the prisoners that needed help one way or another. Some were physically hurt and needed everything from simple rest to a cryo pod, some were in shock about all the events that had just happened and some of the children were crying in the hopes that that would somehow bring their family members back to them.

Nothing had gone well with this mission and they would have to find every Enkrellatants and Leffagings they could and accept the fact that some of them would most likely die in the clutches of the Galra Empire. The paladins would fight to make everything outside the castle as well as possible just like they still needed to make everything as well as possible inside the castle.

Keith took another step and slipped and fell on his back gracelessly. His hair fell into a dark halo around his head and his arms fell flat and useless to the ground like limp wings. The blow came a moment after the surprise of losing his footing and it went all the way from the back of his head to his temples.

Keith closed his eyes with a wince but was caught up in his reeling thoughts and let himself feel the moment so deeply that he didn’t even notice his head or anything else aching. His eyes stayed closed but his entire face and body relaxed until he felt like he could melt into the floor.

He had fought. He had run and he had fought. He had been useful and he could hear Red purring. She was quieter than before, fainter, but she was there. They would be okay. They would reconnect.

The others around him sounded perplexed right before they became worried but Keith didn’t open his eyes. He simply let the corners of his mouth rise into a soft and content smile.

Keith was back and the Galra Empire didn’t know what hit them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm both so glad and so sad that this fic, this story, is over. Done! It ended! D: My baby saw the world on March fifth and I now has to just leave it here despite it being my 9 months old baby. I mean, I will maybe read through all of this sometime to see if I missed any spelling errors or just because I hopefully improve writing as time goes on and therefore can do some writing magic, but still!  
> This is my baby and I hope everyone will treat it well but also tell me if my baby stinks. I can take it and my baby can too since it's all kinds of fucked up with a suicide attempt, violence, and angst.
> 
> I'm not sure if I will post while writing again since it was both amazing and stressful. I know I don't owe anyone anything, but I wanted to update more often than I did. At the same time, it was great to know the reaction for every chapter and I was corrected about at least how to get DNA twice (once here and once on FF.net) which was really cool too since I was just a 19-year old girl with 0 years of medical education back then.  
> I'm so happy that people bookmarked (even if I lost at least 5 bookmarks through this story's run but I gained some more so silver lining), gave kudos and commented. It's silly to thank people but I'm doing it anyway because it really helped my motivation and not give up if I hit a rough patch in storytelling or even in real life!  
> Not that I ONLY wrote for the comments and bookmarks, because admit it, if I did that I would just have made this one degree more klance-y and then written them as together and gotten a lot more attention (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖. Not that I oppose to Klance, it would be really weird since I read it myself and I have written two works that's outright klance and one that is hinted.
> 
> But goodbye I guess. I hope everyone who reach this chapter enjoyed the ride I sent you on and I hope you'll like to take another with me sometime no matter if you comment on things you liked/didn't like, bookmark, subscribe, or do nothing except read. I loved everyone of you for reading something I made.

**Author's Note:**

> If there's anything I can do better or anything you just want to comment on, you're more than welcome to do so ^_^ I love all comments whether they are positive, negative, or neutral.


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